I'm such a kluts today

Today is the day of the dropsies. I had dropped two pizzas one before cooking and one after cooking. Not fun so that was a waste of my time trying to grab some dinner, admittedly it's well past midnight I wasn't hungry at all but wanted to eat or i'd get nagged for not eating.
I notice the more I speak to carl I start to feel hungry I that's love I don't know. It's weird how I can wait all day but minute I speka to carl for few hours I get hungry. Smiles guess he always talks about certain foods in such a way I can't help but get peckish.

Well I'm savouring the peace in the house while it lasts I have no idea when my brother and his girlfreind will be back. For once I can talk to my honey without someone moaning about noise levals or listening to us talk. Sighs softly I always count down the hours till we talk, we never shut up somehow there is always something to talk about.. How? Why? I'm turning into a creature of habit. I find it so weird not talking to my sexy one. I think he is the same it's getting spooky how we both now know when eachother is going to text or he knows it's me calling, yeh I know I call him at same time most nights. But to the point of opening the phone as he is just sending a text or sending him one as he sending me one. It's almost like we can sense eachothers thoughts. Smiles.
Just playing our song laughs.

I have sat over last few weeks and thought on many things. Today and yesterday I heard something I truly agreed with. The first being "If you love someone you set them free and they will always come back to you" That is what I did with Carl we let eachother go only to find eachother years on and realise we never stopped loving eachother. How for a long time I hoped out of the blue there would be an email or im. Eventually I stopped hoping and stopped looking I moved on. I learnt he had over the years looked for me. I changed my name alot eventully settling on the one I have used since last year. I often wondered how he was doing. I even found out somehow he managed to find me but at the time I was with someone else. I even said why on earth didn't you come and say hello. The sense feeling I got he never answered but it said it all, he wanted to let me be free and happy he knew I was happy and didn't want to intrude on that. Plus I guess the saying only when it's right will you cross paths again. How odd to just drop by somewhere say Hi and ask if it was him. It was surreal, almost like a dream. I was scared, took me alot to say Hi. I learnt he had sometime visited a place I visited but for months I was away and unable to visit. Plus at the time he was with someone else. Funny how again we could've crossed paths but didn't because it wasn't time for us to find eachother.
Eventully after a few nights of talking we sat for many hours one night, he suddenly said i've never stopped loving you. I sat shocked it knocked me sideways, turned my stomache upside down and did a flip. The same thought's i'd been having since talking to him, the ones I didn't dare utter the ones I wanted to say everytime we spoke came from him. I thought it was just me having those feeling. The same bond we had years ago for so long as there gap of four years and it is still there. I can't believe it took four years apart for us to both realise that we were right for eachother.

Another saying I agree with "Love is freindship set on fire" so true that is how me and Carl came to be through freindship, We had known eachother a few years before getting together. We saw eachother through some hard times in the past. I never beleived someone could love me as I am and accept me and my family as their. Before Carl no one made me laugh and think of the future, I lived for the day. Not for the future I stopped making plans and just saw through each new day as it came. With Carl I think of what might be he does the same. No one has made me daydream as much as he does, we banter over kids names, pet names, food likes and dislikes, beleifs, anything that comes to mind. I love how I can say something he will twist it and I get a different thought all because of way he said something. We pick on eachother down phone I give as good as I get but worst of all. I love it all the picking the name calling the affectionate way we just wind eachother up playfully. No one has ever done that and made me feel so loved and complete at the same time.

I vowed and I can't beleive I made this vow, the day we had split up I vowed i'd never love the same way again, part of my heart was hidden. I never gave my whole heart to someone after carl. Even my mum said you were never the same, you locked something away and you changed. I never did love anyone the same way yeh I had few online relationships but nothing that compared to how I was and Am with Carl. So true looking back I must've hurt some people for not giving them the same love they wanted me to give and I think it showed. If they got too close I ran. If they fell to hard I ran. I feel guilty for it but how could I give something that wasnt there to give. But with Carl I don't run. Normally by now i'd be distant, cold and either not talk. I had the attack of nerves other night I got scared and thought i'd made mistake in telling my feelings. So much so I was doubting myself as to why I did it. I thought i'd scared him off run him away. I called and he sensed something, he could pick it up asked me what was wrong. The behavior I'd used to shield myself from men was there the distant one worded answers. I didn't say but within the hour any worries, fears and doubts I had were gone. I didn't mean to do it instinct took over. But I was back to normal. He is only one able to crack past the barrier that I use to protect myself from being hurt emotionally. It's something I learnt from my father and my mother has said it is the worst part of my personality.

I agree because it can make me seem cold, distant, unloving and aloof. Many who don't know me have picked up on it mentioned it to my mom or to myself once they've had a while get to know me. Many teachers have said the same thing. It was something to shield myself. It's my downfull and I can't change it at all. It gets worse when i've been hurt and I have hurt those I love using that part of my personality because I instead of displaying my emotions will hide them against a wall of coolness. But thank gawd they know where it comes from and know that with time and patience it will subside once i'm either back to normal. The person who know's it the most is my mum, the minute she see's that traite come out will sit nd talk it through with me as she knows that the best way with me. I guess because she had it with Dad, so she knows how to work round it. I love her so much for being so patient with me when tht happens. It will always be there but those I trust and love know that it doesn't last long with them.

Let's see what else is on my mind. And no my mind isn't in the gutter tonight I can assure you lol. I hate technology window's vista namely for one sucks. I finally ith lot of help nd patience from freinds managed to sort a few problems I had installing some games. But finlly they work.

I think this is the longest blog i've ever done.

That's all folks

Laughs I'm in Bah Humbug mood today

I'm in funny mood.
Namely I guess because I can't call Carl, Had to sit and listen to Mum slaggin John off.. She not happy with him, well bah humbug to it. Dun really care yeh feel sorry for her but what does she expect. The man is self orientated. He comes first above anyone else.

I'm a brat tonight but when am I not. Trying not to be too bratty admittedly that's a battle. I guess I am weird.

Aw sod it i'm going now lmao not in mood to write a blog

thats all folks

I must be drunk

Had one vodka and cola wooooooooooooo did it hit hard, blame the weight loss seems i gotten even more of a lightweight.
Let's see we keep loosing houses keep either being withdrawn from rental market or they get put through before we even get chance to look at them. I'm seriously considering just findin out how carl woul feel if lived with him for six months not sure if should ask. My problem being is would I ever come back to UK I love him so much.

I sat and ignored John today I don't give a flying rats ass, he wouldnt even look at me. Tried to be funny didn't work one bit. Looser!!!!! Can ya tell I am starting to hate the man and it only been few weeks since he moved in. He hurt Kady again basterd hurt my dog again he so dead, growls and clenches fist NO ONE Hurts my dogs. I so gonna get him back plotting revenge. BASTERD fucking BASTERD. I saw it all he kicked her hard and she yelped and went running. I scooped her up and she looked petrified. Dammit I could punch his fucking face in. Sorry.
Hmn i got a few plans up sleeve nothing bad. Just enough to twist his marbles and make him doubt himself. LMAO truly bratty I am the bratty one. Told Mom and she didn't give a damn just didn't care.

Thats all folks!!!!!!!!!

Give me strength and wisdom

I am praying I don't loose my cool, yet again Johns presence is testing my patience. The assumption is oh Lou knows so Lou will do whatever we ask. Yeh right he expects me to set his laptop up without even saying please. Does the man have no manners, as only when I gave him a look for not saying please did he remember his manners. Growls softly my patience is wearing very thin, Gee has lost his temper with him and mom several times. Namely over the lax attitude towards them contributing to house. He feels i'm now pretty much running household and has said it not fair on me. Hell I will contribute, no problem on that one but to expect me to run house and deal with everything while they swan off 2 months on trot with a month here in UK at most. I'd rather live in my own place thanks, one bedroom maybe 2 bedroom, grinz hell mybe should just emigrate and not tell anyone where i'm going. LMAO

Why do I try catnap what is the point wanted to make sure I was awake for carl by catnapping as fell asleep last night and didnt wake up till six am this morning

I am officially an insomniac

I can officially be classed as an insmoniac. I fell asleep at 8am today and woke up at 4pm, my fault for staying awake so long. Mum said I look so pale, I find if take painkillers it makes me look pale I go woozy and weird on them. Shoulder injury that plays up from time to time.

Boxers..
Dog Tags..
Bed...
hot flushes are not fun....
looks innocent hmn...
wonders what he gonna pick up on phone when call him...

Today I decided to look into Lipreading

For those curious here is a good addy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lip_reading

I know from tests I had while in education I had a ninety five percent score of lipreading with sound. If didn't use lipreading and just sound it dropped to fourty five percent. That is a huge difference. Almost half, for me that shows how much I rely on reading non verbal communication. I never really thought aboiut it. Purely because I taught myself at such a young age. Yes most of the population do lipread to a certain extent but those who are deaf or hearing impaired rely on it hugely. Some forget the basis of needing good visual on the face, usually people forget to leave mouth and lower part of face uncovered. Even my brothers have forgotten laughs

Well that my info bit for the day.

What else my holiday that was promised out the window. The money pretty much been blown on everyone else by on me, I battled for a phone card and wasnt even right one. I got cellphone top up instead. Grumbles I felt so angry and hurt that I almost packed a bag and walked out. I almost if John had've been here there would've been a punch to his face. I don't do violence but way he has used my Mom I would've punched him so frigging hard. My brothers have even warned him never to piss me off. They have in past felt my wrath and agree for someone who is a peaceful person who rarely gets into argument, I have some unnatural strength that just you wouldn't expect of me. That's how I got my nickname "Ten Bears" If needed for heavy duty I get Oi "Ten Bears" start getting yourself angry we need a hand. Laughs there my secrets out.

That's all folks

what do I put today

I'm feeling fruity,
Wishing I could crawl into bed with a certain someone hmnnnnn.
Droolz hope he doesnt talk about his bed again, the way he just talks of his bed hmnnnn sighs i'v often half fallen asleep listening to his bed talk hehe.
Dog tags and boxers and bed laughs no fair.
Phone strike wont last long at this rate just had txt saying day is going crappy.

Hot diggety dang

I have been talking in slang all day long hmnn laughs I have been so lazy. Worked my butt off tidying and wohoooooooo Mum and brother wow ya made a huge different.
John as talking about the house I did the unforgivable sin of a deaf/hearing impaired person to do. One I pride myself in not doing but he gives me a headache. I turned my hearing aids off to avoid his voice..
I can carry a conversation without anyone knowing they are off it only used in the most extream cases and would rather avoid headache that goes with trying to listen hard to him. Graham ha said if could do that he would. I feel terrible for doing it , in eighteen years i've done that maybe 4 times in all. {Thats how long I have been hearing impaired I lost my hearing when I was five years old.}

Mum said house had like four to five bedrooms and said one would be used as a study. WOHOO my own double bedroom. Privacy at last I can't wait..
Carl gonna be going get a double bed an all that hmnn wonders if can invite him to stay but that would cost him so much just get the flight over. Would love to have someone to snuggle upto at night just for warmth and hugss an bit more hehe.

My shoulders hurt like heck, feels like I been weight lifting there only one time I get these pains and praying it not what I think it is coz if it is I got a trip to GP for anti bios.
But no more about that I happy happy happpppppppyyy.

Thats all folks

I am just digging a hole for myself............

Laughs why don't I just bury myself in the sand LMAO..
Remind me not to think of having kids. There was talk of twins running in family and I said 2 will be enough but nooo he wants a football team.. Omg I am not having 6-8 kids noooooooo way no how.

My family in rl are adament we phone cybering ewwwwwwwwwwww Nooo we just talk so much we never shut up. Got told aww ain't young love grand. I just said don't you dare Lmao I ain't young anymore he says i'm young an he is old lol Uhmn he is 27 i'm 23 laughs how can he say he is old.

I am still teething got "my baby is teething" omg i'm 23. Growls why do we have to have teeth come through at this age.

I'm drinking way to much coffee eww coffee cofee and more coffee mhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn coffee (yum)

Thats all folks

It's 7.30am Monday morning eww

Lets see I finally got some sleep yesterday fell asleep exactly 4.30am I think and slept right through untill uhmn 3pm yesterday 13 hours sleep wow I havn't slept for 13 hours in months lol. I can't sleep again.. I can't think straight.. can't eat.. drink sooooooo much coffee in past few days.

I did an IQ test yesterday when had a quick break I got 117 (supposedly excellant score according to the results) Made me feel good as always thought mine would be below average. I guess I put myself down my family say I'm clever, I don't feel clever as I feel i'm your average normal everday person. =0)

Was tidying and talking to mom most of yesterday she goes up north today for 3-4 days to house hunt and what not. Means I got house to self as such, on the exception of brother and his girlfriend being here. Yawns I'm suffering from lack of caffine sighs need coffeeeeeeeeeeeee. Had a break from internet yesterday and last night my eyes needed it they been a lil dry and sore so knew I needed a break using internet. Spoke to Carl again last night uhmnnn 4 hours worth of call.. sheesh again!!!!!!!! He sounds so happy to hear me we never want to hang up.

Laughs I think I broke the house phone she said it conked out yesterday and she had to buy new home phone. I got the blame 0_0 why me my brothers have used them alot more than me and it decided to go up shoot after I'd used it. Mind you I seem to send electrical things scatty.. Yeh laugh all you want but it's true. Computers have always crashed round me, mobiles act up, anything remotedly sensitive goes kaput with me near it. I have left offices in confusion when sit near a pc and it goes scatty.. why me. They never believe me when me and mum say it's my fault. Never understood why it happens it not my hearing aids I have had it happen without them in which is in rare cases where I either need a break from them or just feel like not wearing them lol.

Sings away to ~I saw Mama fore she was Mama, in a string bikini tijuana, smoking marijana.~

I think Johns trying to bribe me he gave me $40 hmnnnnnnn I refused but he insisted on me taking it , I even tried to hand it to mom when he was out of the room. Feels like bribery yeh he was sincere and was a nice gesture but I don't like being given stuff for no reason. Might either buy a coupla more phone cards or ciggies I'm torn between the two. If get ciggies I can't ring Carl, if get cards I can't smoke menthols urghhh such a hard choice. I got tobacco but no papers lol an there is no way I'm chewing it yuk. Laughs fuck it I'm getting 2-4 phone cards I can go without a smoke done it before can do it again.

That's all folks!!!!!!!

Grinz

Lets see I have been awake 24 hours in all. sighs hmnn I can't sleep got Carl on the brain sighs and swoons. Omg his accent it's the same as it always was just his laugh hmnn it definately gotten dirtier hehe. Sigh damn I'm a sucker for his accent I always was shesh he sounds so good. I think in all I spoke to him 6 hours gawd six hours went fast..

We talked of everything cars, laws, guns, high school, work, movies, what we were upto and dogs. I was so scared before I called him, 4 years is a long time to hear a voice that you used to fall asleep listening to. But there something there I could listen to him talking forever. =0)
Ever since got off phone I've been jelly legged almost passed out and threw up that's never happened before. My mum and john came down and heard him talking so both said quick hello.

Gonna see if can find a camera so can update pictures of me as i've lost weight since the other ones i've taken gonna straighten my hair put some nice clothes and maybe some make up I rarely wear make up on princible it for special occassions or if feeling good lol. I'm so hungry I always get hungry after 24 hours of no sleep again it my fault but I wanted to talk as much as could. I rinsed 10 dollers worth of credit on a two three hour calls. So next card i'll have to make last.

I'm mentally exausted but wide awake at same time adrenalin rush I have no doubt I won't sleep unless I collapse on sofa or pass out at lapt..

That's all folks!!!!!!!!!

Uhmnn

Hehe today I was a total pig I had half a pizza, I guess 9 months of only eating 1 meal a day finally got better of me I just went I fancy a big dinner lol, my mums face lit up so much heyy my gp said when body was ready I would cut back on my food and it happened after 6 n bit years of comfort eating.

Uhmn grinz like a loon my boyfreind finally came online wohoooooooooooooooooooooo....
Hehe we were talking about cars and uhmn cars and uhmnnn driving lol....
I am finally hyperactive after a week of 15 mins of convo a day if lucky I got a longer one today wohooooooooooooooooooo.
So glad I had all that coffeeeeeeee.
Now gotta stay awake till 2.30am -3am as he sai that was best time to call wohooooooooooo.........
My mum brought a phone card, I am sooo scared and excited it's been so long years since I heard his voice I wonder how and if he sounds the same. I am sucker for that southern american accent, he said he remembers my accent how funny I sound.

Sighs hope I don't get too nervous I go very shy and quiet when nervous.. What do I say omg what do I say dear god give me the strength so say something coherent lol. I don't want to sound like a blathering idiot from planet mars..
I remember the 7-8 hour convos we used to have on the phones i built up such bills just to listen to him talk, mum understand that now because of John and her ex as well..
Tries to count on one hand how many years it been since I heard his voice uhmnn 4 years I think.

I had funny thing happen the otherday and only just remembered tonight. Had some call from local call centre asking to try pay some of my finances into one lump sum. Well the dude obviously liked sound of me and tried to keep phone flirting on phone lmao. I was laughing as found it funny, my mum heard him as use loudspeaker and went someone liked sound of you. I went omg Mummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. He was just chatting but ya know when someone trying to flirt with you.
Wonders why it only happens when I'm in Love No one bats an eyelid towards me when single weird one.. Maybe because my confidence is higher and i'm jovial and laugh and smile alot gawd knows.

That's all folks!!!!!!!!!!!

Hehe me being funny

Dogs are horny..............
Must be something in the air..............
Hmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Thinks of trench coat, stockings and Carl at work ~WEG~
Men supposedly think about nooky every 30 seconds not so sure............
Argh I'm becoming a perv...............
Blames carl for corrupting me he is a PROvert LMAO.........................
Wishing I had a bottle of wine maybe bacardi will do...................
Feels like getting super drunk mhnnnnnnnnnnnnn BACARDI N COLA is soooooooooooooooooooo gooooooooooooooooood...................
Now just need certain someones backside here to carry me to bed ~G~..........
Wonders what what happen if turned up at his work and had my wicked way with him..................
Never used to be this Bad hhmnnnnnnnn I'm a bad one now hehe no more Miss Innocent I'm truly a perv.................
I've joined the ranks of the horny women yayyyyy................
LMAO

UHMNNNNNNNN

Feeling like a prised prune as usuall my brain dribbled out the side of my head and decided to go walking, I had nothing but air between my earoles lol.

I was sat at my kitchen table thinking of Carl and all of a sudden a funky smell wafted to my nostrals and made me physically sick. It smell like old trainers old mouldy sweaty trainers yukkk.

Laughs I've converted to black coffee today, yummy although my mother is adament coffee keeps me awake uhmn some days i have four cups at most. Most times it's one a day although its gradually increasing heck soon im going to be on 10 a day.

What else i'm missing my partner, his wireless still acting up I spoke to him for a lil bit but he was getting angry with his net lol. I truly dont blame if I know i'd go nuts if was me. Sighs love is a pain in the butt lol.

Yummmmmm can't wait for dinner Morroccan chicken with peppers and onions and uhmnn tomatoes and spices with bread and mashed potatoes. =0D
Seems like im only one who is going to be eating, everyone else has stuffed their faces silly with junk food apart from me and Mom.

That's all folks unless think of more later!!!!!!

30 hours sure flew past

I worked out somehow in my fuzzy mind not sure how I was awake 30 hours. And the gods honest truth wondered where 30 hours had gone. I know i dozed for about 5 mins and mum came down so sat up talking to her for a bit. Then sat watvching tv and pottered on net most of those 30 hours.Omg thats soo bad. I would be classed as having an addiction heck I already addicted to ciggies whats another one hehe..........

I finally slept 8 hours solid. I was super hungry too lol I could've devoured a huge burger rare for me so ate a bigger dinner tonight. I guess i burnt so much energy I just had to eat....Maybe was having marathon jioggy wiggy in my sleep LMAO I wish

Hmn dog hoging pillow...........................
Dog is farting again..............
Sat here sipping cold coffee YUKKKKKKKKKKK.........................
Drooling at robson green what a dish............................
Feels like going dancing does a jigggggggg......................
Im horny as usual LMAO................................
Pokes everyone reading this blog.......................
Being a brat as usual....................

Thats all folks hehe!!!!!!!!!!!!