I'm such a kluts today

Today is the day of the dropsies. I had dropped two pizzas one before cooking and one after cooking. Not fun so that was a waste of my time trying to grab some dinner, admittedly it's well past midnight I wasn't hungry at all but wanted to eat or i'd get nagged for not eating.
I notice the more I speak to carl I start to feel hungry I that's love I don't know. It's weird how I can wait all day but minute I speka to carl for few hours I get hungry. Smiles guess he always talks about certain foods in such a way I can't help but get peckish.

Well I'm savouring the peace in the house while it lasts I have no idea when my brother and his girlfreind will be back. For once I can talk to my honey without someone moaning about noise levals or listening to us talk. Sighs softly I always count down the hours till we talk, we never shut up somehow there is always something to talk about.. How? Why? I'm turning into a creature of habit. I find it so weird not talking to my sexy one. I think he is the same it's getting spooky how we both now know when eachother is going to text or he knows it's me calling, yeh I know I call him at same time most nights. But to the point of opening the phone as he is just sending a text or sending him one as he sending me one. It's almost like we can sense eachothers thoughts. Smiles.
Just playing our song laughs.

I have sat over last few weeks and thought on many things. Today and yesterday I heard something I truly agreed with. The first being "If you love someone you set them free and they will always come back to you" That is what I did with Carl we let eachother go only to find eachother years on and realise we never stopped loving eachother. How for a long time I hoped out of the blue there would be an email or im. Eventually I stopped hoping and stopped looking I moved on. I learnt he had over the years looked for me. I changed my name alot eventully settling on the one I have used since last year. I often wondered how he was doing. I even found out somehow he managed to find me but at the time I was with someone else. I even said why on earth didn't you come and say hello. The sense feeling I got he never answered but it said it all, he wanted to let me be free and happy he knew I was happy and didn't want to intrude on that. Plus I guess the saying only when it's right will you cross paths again. How odd to just drop by somewhere say Hi and ask if it was him. It was surreal, almost like a dream. I was scared, took me alot to say Hi. I learnt he had sometime visited a place I visited but for months I was away and unable to visit. Plus at the time he was with someone else. Funny how again we could've crossed paths but didn't because it wasn't time for us to find eachother.
Eventully after a few nights of talking we sat for many hours one night, he suddenly said i've never stopped loving you. I sat shocked it knocked me sideways, turned my stomache upside down and did a flip. The same thought's i'd been having since talking to him, the ones I didn't dare utter the ones I wanted to say everytime we spoke came from him. I thought it was just me having those feeling. The same bond we had years ago for so long as there gap of four years and it is still there. I can't believe it took four years apart for us to both realise that we were right for eachother.

Another saying I agree with "Love is freindship set on fire" so true that is how me and Carl came to be through freindship, We had known eachother a few years before getting together. We saw eachother through some hard times in the past. I never beleived someone could love me as I am and accept me and my family as their. Before Carl no one made me laugh and think of the future, I lived for the day. Not for the future I stopped making plans and just saw through each new day as it came. With Carl I think of what might be he does the same. No one has made me daydream as much as he does, we banter over kids names, pet names, food likes and dislikes, beleifs, anything that comes to mind. I love how I can say something he will twist it and I get a different thought all because of way he said something. We pick on eachother down phone I give as good as I get but worst of all. I love it all the picking the name calling the affectionate way we just wind eachother up playfully. No one has ever done that and made me feel so loved and complete at the same time.

I vowed and I can't beleive I made this vow, the day we had split up I vowed i'd never love the same way again, part of my heart was hidden. I never gave my whole heart to someone after carl. Even my mum said you were never the same, you locked something away and you changed. I never did love anyone the same way yeh I had few online relationships but nothing that compared to how I was and Am with Carl. So true looking back I must've hurt some people for not giving them the same love they wanted me to give and I think it showed. If they got too close I ran. If they fell to hard I ran. I feel guilty for it but how could I give something that wasnt there to give. But with Carl I don't run. Normally by now i'd be distant, cold and either not talk. I had the attack of nerves other night I got scared and thought i'd made mistake in telling my feelings. So much so I was doubting myself as to why I did it. I thought i'd scared him off run him away. I called and he sensed something, he could pick it up asked me what was wrong. The behavior I'd used to shield myself from men was there the distant one worded answers. I didn't say but within the hour any worries, fears and doubts I had were gone. I didn't mean to do it instinct took over. But I was back to normal. He is only one able to crack past the barrier that I use to protect myself from being hurt emotionally. It's something I learnt from my father and my mother has said it is the worst part of my personality.

I agree because it can make me seem cold, distant, unloving and aloof. Many who don't know me have picked up on it mentioned it to my mom or to myself once they've had a while get to know me. Many teachers have said the same thing. It was something to shield myself. It's my downfull and I can't change it at all. It gets worse when i've been hurt and I have hurt those I love using that part of my personality because I instead of displaying my emotions will hide them against a wall of coolness. But thank gawd they know where it comes from and know that with time and patience it will subside once i'm either back to normal. The person who know's it the most is my mum, the minute she see's that traite come out will sit nd talk it through with me as she knows that the best way with me. I guess because she had it with Dad, so she knows how to work round it. I love her so much for being so patient with me when tht happens. It will always be there but those I trust and love know that it doesn't last long with them.

Let's see what else is on my mind. And no my mind isn't in the gutter tonight I can assure you lol. I hate technology window's vista namely for one sucks. I finally ith lot of help nd patience from freinds managed to sort a few problems I had installing some games. But finlly they work.

I think this is the longest blog i've ever done.

That's all folks