what a day

It's been one of those days coupled with yesterday. I fainted twice while in town yesterday which is a first for me, never had it happen before. I remember seeing everything in my vision go grey like i was viewing things threw a metallic lense then it slowly went black and poof I was gone on the floor and wondering what the hell happened when I woke up. Lauren (bros gf looked worried sick) Mum was in a store when she came out bro let her know what happened. Then happened a bit later thought I was all recovered but nope went and had same thing twice. Talk about being weird. I asked mom for something sugary to drink but she wanted to get back to the flat. So there is me jelly legged as hell wanting something sweet being told I got to wait till get back to flat because she didnt want to buy lauren and jay something to drink or eat. All I know is most of day after that I felt odd even late into last night I was having weird moments where felt a lil dizzy.

So today went to Dr to be checked out as everyone was telling me to do it. It was a one off so didnt want to fuss but its put everyone at ease. My BP was a lil high but nothing major, he put it down to stress and not eating properly. Have had few odd moments today but nothing enough to concern me. I think it mixture of stress and tiredness over past few weeks dumping carl, then was ill and the nervous breakdown with mom. Just been so much in short space of time it wore me out.

If anything I am getting desperate for a holiday specially since it the new year. I spoke to mom again about it. There is no chance of me having one had hoped she might have tucked something away for me on the sly and didnt want bro to know. But nope. Gotta love hoping as said before in a blog before she said all the money was blown on brothers for their can i borrow. Still kind of upset because I was promised a flight to see any one. Was supposed to be for carl but wanted to go see my ma dobie if couldnt do that. I very rarely ask for things but id love that it was promised for my birthday ha yeh right. I feel so selfish for wanting an actual holiday for myself
my brothers have had own holiday, as has my mom yet me I cant have one. Why..? I was promised money which I never got yet my brothers did. I was promised a holiday which my brothers each had yet I cant. I kind of feel wronged about it.

Finally over carl. I havnt really thought about him. Not had any dreams not missing him or pining over him. Guess that a good thing. Either that or ive used my wall thing without meaning to makes me sound like i never loved him, I did and kind of still do. Just not in the same way. Plus if ever came back to ask again for another chance I wouldnt do it.

Thats all for now folks!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cant think of anythng to write

ah this sucks, ive got nothing to write about. Help brain is empty..

Wondering where all the guys went to hmnn, being single again is interesting. I'm finally over carl. woke up this morning not pining for him, didnt even miss him or want to call him and ask to give it another try.

I don't give a shit about him, I don't care how he might be feeling, I've stopped wondering whats going through his mind over the breakup. He hasn't even said Hi or bugger all since my birthday. It's obvious he doesn't give a toss. There someone out there maybe who knows, I really don't care anymore. Maybe the fortune teller was right about me. Pity if she fortold it right. Then i'm pretty much destined to never marry or have kids. Sucks I know and was hoping to prove her wrong but I guess she was right and is going to be right at this rate seems highly likely.

Ah well shit i'm going to be one of the drifters in life travelling wherever and never settling down. Stupid ass starsign why can't i prove it wrong. oh well.

Blah my brains empty lets see

Lets see if can do a funny one for change...

7 chavs are sitting on the wall..
Each one staring blankly at the car..
nodding heads like nodding dogs in back of car.
Sat swigging beer and burping like pigs..
Eying up anything that crosses their path.
Thinking they look cool..
one shouts oi gis a snog..
The girls just laugh and walk on by..
they resume the head nodding hoping for another girl..
When will they learn..

Lets see

Gawd Gotta love new years 2008 what a fucking joke...

Yesterday the shit hit the fan..once again I had to remain strong and hold down my ground.
So fucking tired of hoping with each new year that it will get better.

Mum lost it yesterday, she sat saying everything her fault, she twisted one little thing me and jay had said and made it into something massive. Fuck knows anymore. She hates the flat. she thinks she lost everything. She walking round with hndreds of pounds in her purse and saying she hasnt got money..
The lies crop up me and Jay no longer know what to believe..she looked so eaten with guilt yesterday.

Me and Jay sat and talked to her it got to point where she went ~I want to be dead~ with that I could've one nuts. The cowards way out. She thinks the cowards way out gonna solve her issues with john. No fucking way. No one takes the cowards way out around me. I told her if I ever find you have tried to do that again I will personally kill you because I seen her do it so many fucking times before. I don't want my mom to kill herself. I worked in mental health and said to bro
if she continues like this there only one option left... i'm physically shaking even contemplating the last resort which is ring a mental health cpn and ask for intervention. It breaks my heart to see her so low.. it hurts to watch my mom fall to pieces. God I love her so sooooo much. We have no one to help us it's just me and jay. We alone and trying to keep the peices held together. I'm, feeling like i'm glue that holds shit together when everyone runs a million miles in opposite direction. Worst part I no longer have my ex-boyfriend to call to just listen and talk things through with, he gone through same stuff with his mom.

I'm barely over the bronchiatus and now dealing with absalute chaos. I had to calm Jay down and talk to mom and keep them both on an even keel. Jay was hurt by things mum said so sat and talked to him got him talking and laughing. Then we got mom talking and laughing in the end a bit.

Just bushwacked now slept like a log it exausted me keepin everything inside and had to fight not to loose my temper get angry or upset. Mom's better today but still keeping a close eye on her anyway. Aw man how much more crap can keep happenin lmao. Keep throwing it my way go on I can take it...LOL

That's all folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seems im writing almost everyday

I am in an artistic reflective mode...

I decided yesterday after a rather mean and dark blog on myspace I no longer want to be that dark and angry..I was lashing out at myself and I should not have done that.
The only thing it accomplished was to get rid of the mood that had been stewing for months. And yesterday it finally came out. I have to admit I even scared myself after reading it because it was so unlike me, I was hurting, I was angry with myself for letting Carl go. I was fuelled with regrets and thought myself weak for not really saying how I felt. There are moments in my life when I have taken so much that part of me hates myself for it and will lash out at those closest to me. I avoided company for a while because of it. I don't like people seeing me so hurt and bitter or angry. Yes for such a jovial person I can be full of anger and regrets. The darker side of me comes out. The one who is mean and nasty and almost spiteful because I can hit the truth right on the head. I will pick someones weakest point and hurt them with it. Doesnt happen often but i did yesterday.

I feel so much better no its been and gone..i guess with the bronciatus I am always tired.
Sleep has been so important to me heck i tried to go out for bit by time i got back I was ready to curl up and sleep it tired me out so fast. Usually I can keep going for a long time. But its small steps at a time soon i'll be back to my healthy self. Even my mom said this is rare you were tired by time you got back could see it in your face. Gee I think that was her way of saying I looked like shit lol. So glad no one can see me and myself at my worst I swear I look like a haunted person lmao.

Still researching on a course i'd like to do this year. I want to really get a qualification but not 100% sure in what though. I've got a while before I need to decide I looked at local college and was disappointed in the choice they had. There is another one but its almost an hour commute, i've done that once at uni and I tell ya it bloody tiring waiting on trains and stuff. Didnt really want to do that long a commute everyday but will look into it some more as they have a better choice.
I guess that's it for the day folks!!!!!!!!!

It does not suit my way of thinking

Aircraft Marshalling 12 Sqn way

This video made me laugh this morning i thought i'd share I love it and it makes me truly proud to be a brit.. My utmost respect goes out to anyone in the forces for the great work they do and their dedication to keep their chin up when the chips are down.. you gotta love being a brit co we can always laugh when we feel like shit wtg to the RAF for this one (ps my father was in the RAF and i think he wouldve loved this one)

I thought i'd put some poetry for the day

This heart of mine seems so strong,
Yet so breakable at the same time,
Loving and loosing is something I will never be able to erase,
I fall slowly through soft air,
Waiting to hit the ground to feel some kind of pain,
Yet when I do it hurts more than I thought it could,
I dust my wounds off and face the new day and ignore the pain,
Until I rest or think,
The walls I use can't always hide the truth,
The truth faces me every new day,
Telling me I have to look and heal myself,
But I don't want to go back to the hurt,
And let the pain hurt me,
I don't want the tears to fall,
I want to smile and forget,
I want to be the girl I once was,
With innocence before my heart learned what it was,
To give your heart to another,
Hoping that it is worth giving it to the one you love,