Another song that feels fitting to me right now
Friday, 28 December 2007
Let's see its saterday
I've decided to try and be strong i'm trying my hardest, I've decided to call Carl again today around six pm my time which will be noon his time. My horoscope which I never read said that things will be hopefully sorted by talking to my love.. so I will try.
I can't keep up with no contact I need a definitive answer are we still together or is this his way of saying we are finished. It's been two weeks and nothing. My heart is truly broken, If I hear his voicemail I cry. That is what happened when I left a voicemail, I let him hear me at my weakest moment. To show how much I care for him regardless of what has and is happening.
Yet when someone mentions him I just feel numb, everyone wants to kick his backside, yet I i'll stand and defend him. I've begged his family (adopted) to stay freinds with him regardless of what happens. It only when i'm alone do I cry hen no one is around because it's the way I have always been.
I just don't understand did I do something wrong? Was I too clingy? Did I give him too much space or not enough? I never questioned him over his absences I just let him be. I thought I was doing everything right, I respected his space, I gave him my support. What more Could I do Most of all I gave him my heart again. I vowed I'd never give my love to him so he could do this again but I did because I always loved him and still do. I thought the feeling was mutual. So many times I gave him the chance to tell me if he didn't want this. He vowed he wouldn't hurt me again and look what he does to me. I'm walking round with tears in my eyes, I want to scream at him or hit him somehow just to show how much he has hurt me.
I just don't know anymore. He talked of marriage, of kids, of meeting with my family, hanging out with my brothers. Hell I even went to support his decision to try join the family business. I only said if when i talked of being with him because of how it ended last time. It's going the same way, my dreams falling through my hands everything I ever hoped for being washed away. I never made plans before for the future but with carl I thought finally I'd found someone that wants me and all my faults. I guess not and thart hurts so much...
I'm 24 and never been married, I have no kids, I have never had a relationship in rl. Guy don't notice me in real, or if they do they don't see past the disabilities. Or they just want a leg over. I don't want that, I want to be with someone, to maybe find the right person and maybe settle down. Maybe have kids, just to be loved for who I am.. No never happens they just ignore me, walk away or don't want to know..
All I know is I never want to be hurt like this again, if I could just go sleep and forget the last six months ever happened. If I could go back and go naa I won't speak to him.
All this has made me ill, I just want to sleep and not move i'm coughina dn sore throat. I just feel exausted. I necver thought i'd get ill so quick over stuff like this. Im usually so strong
but its drained me of everthing I have.. give me some coufgh med n good painkeller oim sorted
I can't keep up with no contact I need a definitive answer are we still together or is this his way of saying we are finished. It's been two weeks and nothing. My heart is truly broken, If I hear his voicemail I cry. That is what happened when I left a voicemail, I let him hear me at my weakest moment. To show how much I care for him regardless of what has and is happening.
Yet when someone mentions him I just feel numb, everyone wants to kick his backside, yet I i'll stand and defend him. I've begged his family (adopted) to stay freinds with him regardless of what happens. It only when i'm alone do I cry hen no one is around because it's the way I have always been.
I just don't understand did I do something wrong? Was I too clingy? Did I give him too much space or not enough? I never questioned him over his absences I just let him be. I thought I was doing everything right, I respected his space, I gave him my support. What more Could I do Most of all I gave him my heart again. I vowed I'd never give my love to him so he could do this again but I did because I always loved him and still do. I thought the feeling was mutual. So many times I gave him the chance to tell me if he didn't want this. He vowed he wouldn't hurt me again and look what he does to me. I'm walking round with tears in my eyes, I want to scream at him or hit him somehow just to show how much he has hurt me.
I just don't know anymore. He talked of marriage, of kids, of meeting with my family, hanging out with my brothers. Hell I even went to support his decision to try join the family business. I only said if when i talked of being with him because of how it ended last time. It's going the same way, my dreams falling through my hands everything I ever hoped for being washed away. I never made plans before for the future but with carl I thought finally I'd found someone that wants me and all my faults. I guess not and thart hurts so much...
I'm 24 and never been married, I have no kids, I have never had a relationship in rl. Guy don't notice me in real, or if they do they don't see past the disabilities. Or they just want a leg over. I don't want that, I want to be with someone, to maybe find the right person and maybe settle down. Maybe have kids, just to be loved for who I am.. No never happens they just ignore me, walk away or don't want to know..
All I know is I never want to be hurt like this again, if I could just go sleep and forget the last six months ever happened. If I could go back and go naa I won't speak to him.
All this has made me ill, I just want to sleep and not move i'm coughina dn sore throat. I just feel exausted. I necver thought i'd get ill so quick over stuff like this. Im usually so strong
but its drained me of everthing I have.. give me some coufgh med n good painkeller oim sorted
well pooey what a day....
I woke up happier thinking today might be a better day for me. I left carl a voicemail letting him know how much his silence affecting me its broken my heart and i couldnt stop crying when i left him a voicemail this morning.
After my short sleep I thought the day woukd be good, so went to draw my money out only to be notified im broke still.
Then went to go buy jeans with my voucher to find i couldnt find a single pair i likjed either too long or didnt have my size.
Then tonight I came out with a bad cough and sore throat. Niceeeee...
Don't really know what else to pyut, I can't really think much.. Just tired and hating this years christmas I thought was going to be my best one so far but it been sad adn lonely one...
That's all folks!!!!!!!!!!
After my short sleep I thought the day woukd be good, so went to draw my money out only to be notified im broke still.
Then went to go buy jeans with my voucher to find i couldnt find a single pair i likjed either too long or didnt have my size.
Then tonight I came out with a bad cough and sore throat. Niceeeee...
Don't really know what else to pyut, I can't really think much.. Just tired and hating this years christmas I thought was going to be my best one so far but it been sad adn lonely one...
That's all folks!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, 27 December 2007
Help me Understand lyrics by Trace adkins
This is to you Carl because I need help understanding why your being like this.......
Once in a lifetime
You'll open up your heart
Maybe once in your lifetime
You'll swear to never be apart
You think your love's on solid ground
Then out of the blue, it all comes tumblin' down
Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light 'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've go
How can love just stop
Tell Me Somebody help me understand
And my picture in your locket
What will you do with it now
All our friends and all our memories
Tell me how we sort them out
What's yours is yours
What's mine is mine
Is that all that's left
After all this time
Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light 'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've go
How can love just stop
Tell Me Somebody help me understand
Help me understand
Why I'm not part of our plan
And you don't need me anymore
Help me understand
Why I still wanna be where you are
Even though I know in my heart
You don't love me anymore
Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light 'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've go
How can love just stop
Tell Me Somebody help me understand
Once in a lifetime
You'll open up your heart
Maybe once in your lifetime
You'll swear to never be apart
You think your love's on solid ground
Then out of the blue, it all comes tumblin' down
Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light 'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've go
How can love just stop
Tell Me Somebody help me understand
And my picture in your locket
What will you do with it now
All our friends and all our memories
Tell me how we sort them out
What's yours is yours
What's mine is mine
Is that all that's left
After all this time
Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light 'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've go
How can love just stop
Tell Me Somebody help me understand
Help me understand
Why I'm not part of our plan
And you don't need me anymore
Help me understand
Why I still wanna be where you are
Even though I know in my heart
You don't love me anymore
Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light 'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've go
How can love just stop
Tell Me Somebody help me understand
Tuesday, 25 December 2007
I've tried writing three blogs and deleated them all
Fourth time Lucky I guess.
Christmas has been and gone, another day of waiting for some news with none. I got a new coat, pair of gloves and two dvds. Mom and bro seemed happy with their presents. We sat around in Jays room hanging about chatting and all went to catch up on some sleep.
Boxing day which means I may try go shopping for a pair of trousers as need something to wear if I can find anything. Let's see people bashing me, rudeness wonders if people will still feel festive and have manners.
I'm still having troubles sleeping, can't stop thinking over Carl. I'm worried about him. He may be acting silly but doesn't stop me worrying. In turn because of it everyones worrying over me, I guess I've changed so much in last 2 weeks. Everyones been watching me and noticed such a huge difference in how I usually am. I don't mean to worry everyone, guess people are scared i'm going to make myself sick with lack of sleep or worry over carl.
The nightmares I have are not funny some are of me being heartbroken, others are of me being ill through not sleeping. Others are of me walking into grey mist and crying over carl not speaking to me. The worst ones are the ones in where I am crying
making my throat sore when I wake up I guess when I sleep i've been crying and talking in my seleep.. If don't think about it during the day it gets worse in my sleep. Today was a good day, I didn't think about him.
To be honest it feels like he is testing me or something, either that or my instict over he maybe suddenly changed his mind are right. If think about it I start loosing my voice where i'm fighting to keep from letting it get to me. It just saddens me that i'm being hurt like this. Hell even one of his sisters tried ringing him today to try find out whats wrong with him. So many say I don't deserve this, hey i've been through alot worse. This isn't as bad. Yeh my heart may be in the process of being broken.. I'll get over it I somehow will. I learnt my lessons and was a painful one. Don't bleive in promises. They are made to be broken.
Guess I'd better stop before I say something else worse that I will regret and kick myself for it.
That's all folks
Christmas has been and gone, another day of waiting for some news with none. I got a new coat, pair of gloves and two dvds. Mom and bro seemed happy with their presents. We sat around in Jays room hanging about chatting and all went to catch up on some sleep.
Boxing day which means I may try go shopping for a pair of trousers as need something to wear if I can find anything. Let's see people bashing me, rudeness wonders if people will still feel festive and have manners.
I'm still having troubles sleeping, can't stop thinking over Carl. I'm worried about him. He may be acting silly but doesn't stop me worrying. In turn because of it everyones worrying over me, I guess I've changed so much in last 2 weeks. Everyones been watching me and noticed such a huge difference in how I usually am. I don't mean to worry everyone, guess people are scared i'm going to make myself sick with lack of sleep or worry over carl.
The nightmares I have are not funny some are of me being heartbroken, others are of me being ill through not sleeping. Others are of me walking into grey mist and crying over carl not speaking to me. The worst ones are the ones in where I am crying
making my throat sore when I wake up I guess when I sleep i've been crying and talking in my seleep.. If don't think about it during the day it gets worse in my sleep. Today was a good day, I didn't think about him.
To be honest it feels like he is testing me or something, either that or my instict over he maybe suddenly changed his mind are right. If think about it I start loosing my voice where i'm fighting to keep from letting it get to me. It just saddens me that i'm being hurt like this. Hell even one of his sisters tried ringing him today to try find out whats wrong with him. So many say I don't deserve this, hey i've been through alot worse. This isn't as bad. Yeh my heart may be in the process of being broken.. I'll get over it I somehow will. I learnt my lessons and was a painful one. Don't bleive in promises. They are made to be broken.
Guess I'd better stop before I say something else worse that I will regret and kick myself for it.
That's all folks
Monday, 24 December 2007
Merry Christmas
Did santa fall down the chimney and fart rather loudly because I could've sworn I heard an odd noise.
His reindeer seem to be rather noisy always parping and pooping while directing eachother. I'm suprised we don't find poop on our cars in the morning.
Gawd knows he must have a lot of birds land in his sleigh wondering what they are getting for their presents. Must be a life of joy for santa, gawd and we sit up and count christmas in. Hell ya think he would say sod the milk and cookies give me a shot of tequila lime and salt. And One huge pizza or burger hehe.
I often wonder if seing all those birds make him feel a bit oh I don't know dizzy pooor guy must get tad hot under the collar creeping through houses with couples upto no good and pondering on weather to sneak a peak or leave some coal.
Ah such is the life of santa tainted with innocence and sweetness nonsense to that I say he is just like you and me.
LOL
Thats all folks!!!!!!
His reindeer seem to be rather noisy always parping and pooping while directing eachother. I'm suprised we don't find poop on our cars in the morning.
Gawd knows he must have a lot of birds land in his sleigh wondering what they are getting for their presents. Must be a life of joy for santa, gawd and we sit up and count christmas in. Hell ya think he would say sod the milk and cookies give me a shot of tequila lime and salt. And One huge pizza or burger hehe.
I often wonder if seing all those birds make him feel a bit oh I don't know dizzy pooor guy must get tad hot under the collar creeping through houses with couples upto no good and pondering on weather to sneak a peak or leave some coal.
Ah such is the life of santa tainted with innocence and sweetness nonsense to that I say he is just like you and me.
LOL
Thats all folks!!!!!!
Saturday, 22 December 2007
well its the 23rd of dec
2 more days till Christmas.
Wows and what a speedy week, I haven't even wrapped the presents up yet.
Today has been a weird one for me I woke up after 6 hours sleep last night stayed awake for a few hours and then slept some more. I was emotionally tired I cried four hours straight over Carl after hearing some news. It left me in serious doubts of even trusting him again, I've decided to give him the benefit of my doubt. Because I know he is struggling in real now and hoping it was a serious brain fart on his behalf.
Never thought in a day I could have such upheaval in my emotions which I normally keep in check and let nothing phase me. Not today thought I've cried more in one day than in past year alone scary as heck and all over Carl ugh.
I finally after constant calls and texts since he uses a website daily, I've decided to email him asking what is going on and why he won't talk to me. Many who know him and me are shocked and angered by his behavior toward me especially I'm lost and confused myself. Last time we spoke everything was fine no signs of any untoward behavior or change in his attitude.
I know if he continues his behaviour he will loose some great friendships. Most of them my close Friends too and they've known him alot longer than me. I don't want him loosing the friends he has, I love him and wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'm praying he responds back it gonna be hurtful trying to explain that even my last option gained no response. Then I'm dreading the outcome of that one if it comes to that.
That's all i guess
Wows and what a speedy week, I haven't even wrapped the presents up yet.
Today has been a weird one for me I woke up after 6 hours sleep last night stayed awake for a few hours and then slept some more. I was emotionally tired I cried four hours straight over Carl after hearing some news. It left me in serious doubts of even trusting him again, I've decided to give him the benefit of my doubt. Because I know he is struggling in real now and hoping it was a serious brain fart on his behalf.
Never thought in a day I could have such upheaval in my emotions which I normally keep in check and let nothing phase me. Not today thought I've cried more in one day than in past year alone scary as heck and all over Carl ugh.
I finally after constant calls and texts since he uses a website daily, I've decided to email him asking what is going on and why he won't talk to me. Many who know him and me are shocked and angered by his behavior toward me especially I'm lost and confused myself. Last time we spoke everything was fine no signs of any untoward behavior or change in his attitude.
I know if he continues his behaviour he will loose some great friendships. Most of them my close Friends too and they've known him alot longer than me. I don't want him loosing the friends he has, I love him and wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'm praying he responds back it gonna be hurtful trying to explain that even my last option gained no response. Then I'm dreading the outcome of that one if it comes to that.
That's all i guess
Thursday, 20 December 2007
Finally got access to this thing again
Lets see after several attempts at getting this back i finally managed to get access again..
I've moved and hah some year it's been...
Christmas is coming up so soon...
I've been thinking of the past year it's been a chaotic year, one which i wouldn't wish to do again.
Mom and john have been so on and off it's unbelievable and i can't spell tonight. They broke up tonight over religious problems not going into it but I'm suprised it taken that long for it to crop up.
I'm the same as I've always been recently had my 24th birthday and it made me think alot as well, I think it's that time of year.
I'm fighting the odds in real to try keep everything on an even keel for my mom. Being the strong one sure does suck right now. I'm grateful for my online family and freinds to make me laugh and let me vent. But the one person I really need can't be reached. Me alongside of others are shcked. no biggie I knew it would happen. he got stuff to sdo so he can deal with it.
I've moved and hah some year it's been...
Christmas is coming up so soon...
I've been thinking of the past year it's been a chaotic year, one which i wouldn't wish to do again.
Mom and john have been so on and off it's unbelievable and i can't spell tonight. They broke up tonight over religious problems not going into it but I'm suprised it taken that long for it to crop up.
I'm the same as I've always been recently had my 24th birthday and it made me think alot as well, I think it's that time of year.
I'm fighting the odds in real to try keep everything on an even keel for my mom. Being the strong one sure does suck right now. I'm grateful for my online family and freinds to make me laugh and let me vent. But the one person I really need can't be reached. Me alongside of others are shcked. no biggie I knew it would happen. he got stuff to sdo so he can deal with it.
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