Let's see its saterday

I've decided to try and be strong i'm trying my hardest, I've decided to call Carl again today around six pm my time which will be noon his time. My horoscope which I never read said that things will be hopefully sorted by talking to my love.. so I will try.

I can't keep up with no contact I need a definitive answer are we still together or is this his way of saying we are finished. It's been two weeks and nothing. My heart is truly broken, If I hear his voicemail I cry. That is what happened when I left a voicemail, I let him hear me at my weakest moment. To show how much I care for him regardless of what has and is happening.

Yet when someone mentions him I just feel numb, everyone wants to kick his backside, yet I i'll stand and defend him. I've begged his family (adopted) to stay freinds with him regardless of what happens. It only when i'm alone do I cry hen no one is around because it's the way I have always been.

I just don't understand did I do something wrong? Was I too clingy? Did I give him too much space or not enough? I never questioned him over his absences I just let him be. I thought I was doing everything right, I respected his space, I gave him my support. What more Could I do Most of all I gave him my heart again. I vowed I'd never give my love to him so he could do this again but I did because I always loved him and still do. I thought the feeling was mutual. So many times I gave him the chance to tell me if he didn't want this. He vowed he wouldn't hurt me again and look what he does to me. I'm walking round with tears in my eyes, I want to scream at him or hit him somehow just to show how much he has hurt me.

I just don't know anymore. He talked of marriage, of kids, of meeting with my family, hanging out with my brothers. Hell I even went to support his decision to try join the family business. I only said if when i talked of being with him because of how it ended last time. It's going the same way, my dreams falling through my hands everything I ever hoped for being washed away. I never made plans before for the future but with carl I thought finally I'd found someone that wants me and all my faults. I guess not and thart hurts so much...

I'm 24 and never been married, I have no kids, I have never had a relationship in rl. Guy don't notice me in real, or if they do they don't see past the disabilities. Or they just want a leg over. I don't want that, I want to be with someone, to maybe find the right person and maybe settle down. Maybe have kids, just to be loved for who I am.. No never happens they just ignore me, walk away or don't want to know..

All I know is I never want to be hurt like this again, if I could just go sleep and forget the last six months ever happened. If I could go back and go naa I won't speak to him.
All this has made me ill, I just want to sleep and not move i'm coughina dn sore throat. I just feel exausted. I necver thought i'd get ill so quick over stuff like this. Im usually so strong
but its drained me of everthing I have.. give me some coufgh med n good painkeller oim sorted