Well after four days of house hunting I got home a day later than I should have was due home Saturday but extended by a day. So I came home Sunday instead.
Took us 7 hours almost to get back we had bad winds and torrential rain, really it's normally between four to five hour journey depending on traffic. We had twenty mile tailbacks on the motorway through from cambridgeshire right through to Stanstead in Essex. I got soaked in the process the car has a tendency to overheat in awful weather, it starts to make the heating in the car go really hot. So there is me sat in the back of the car with just my warmer and freezing my poor socks off cold and wet. Was only option and the rain all hit me. Ment we got home safe and sound so that's all that matters.
We viewed a beautiful cottage in Winterton a village about 5-6 miles from Brigg. I fell in love with it, had 2 open fires on in the lounge and one in the kitchen. Central heating, all the walls were stone work. Including the floored tiling which was quarry tiles. Soo expensive to buy but beautiful. Had 2 bedrooms one large one and one smaller one. I called dibs on the smaller one if we got it. Plus had shower room so no bath, i'll admit nice because easier to clean but i'd miss my baths. Had a little courtyard I was over the moon because would mean no gardening, just sweep and power wash.
Mom received a call yesterday telling her they will let us know today oh god i'm praying like mad we get it.
Today she also received a call about a 3 bedroomed house in scunthorpe for rent, owner said she can view tomorrow so i'm housesitting I think. I don't want to sit in a car all day again. They said if she takes deposit up with her it will be ours on the spot and we can move in as soon as monday. I was like holy crap that soon, so either way we garenteed a house.. This one the 3 bedroomed one would be more ideal as means mom and john would have a room for when get back from Jordan trips. Which is better than sleeping on the couch till we find a bigger place or booting jay or me out of a room. I hope she takes pictures. I'm still hoping on the cottage as love it so much but if no it will be the house. All I know is it's in a cul de sac so it will be quieter. But it's in scunthorpe so means it's bang smack in the middle of town, nice for shopping and what not. I'm not a town girl, i've lived in country side and open fields for so long I'm not sure I could adjust to noise. That's why I loved the cottage even though it's in a village the area up road just had open views across the fields and 3 pubs and 2 shops and a fish and chip shop. Plus it was a village lol can't you tell i don't want to live in a town.
Minute I know I will post the news either way....
That's all for now folks
Tuesday, 30 October 2007
Tuesday, 23 October 2007
Another day of arguments
As usuall Mom and youngest brother decided to have a go at eachother again. Per normal I had to play peacekeeper, both of them tried aiming their fustrations at me. Jay heard me walk down the stairs and walked out. Not sure how much longer I can stand this tension. No one is barely talking, Mom is sat saying I can't do this anymore. Do what exactly? She been home a week and contemplating running away. Already. That never solves anything, it will escalate untill she comes home again. I learnt I am the opposite to my sign, I always had the impression I should be argumentitive. However last night I learnt why I run from arguments. It was so true
I do not like power games, nor do I like arguments. Which is whats going on at the moment. However if backed into a corner you'll face a whole new me which is so true. I only argue when I have nowhere left to back to. So if I'm in a corner and nowhere to turn my back from arguing i'll fight.
I love my family very much, but this fighting and arguing is getting to me. It may not look like it. I may not show it, but it is there. My honey knew he asked what they were fighting about. hen I told him he said oh Lord. He knows the best thing is to keep my mind off it.
Talk about anything but what is going on or I will get angry and he knows as I've said that I do not want to go to that place. Carl knows to keep me from putting my wall up that humour helps. It truly does, But today it took a long time to get past the fact they were arguing again. I wanted Carl here by my sidem just so I could bury self into arms and forget about it. For some unknown reason, I tried eating with mom and brother. I couldn't sit in the same room all I could feel was the tension and I had to go back upstairs. Once I did I felt spaced out almost like it drained all my energy feeling the tension. You know seems like i'm giving up the fight to keep peace i'm trying and trying, then when it get directed at me I walk away... is that a good thing should I just let them get on with it. Yes I felt bad I said leave it alone, i'm not here to listen to you argue. I walked out and said I would be back in a bit.
As Carl said it's not your fight to be stressed over.. I agree but i'm stressed listening to their petty arguing. I wish they would all grow the fuck up and act like adults. That's a week solid now.
One good thing about the day spoke to Carl on yahoo for uhmns 7 hours straight. If he hadn't of kept my mind occupied, We have been making plans all day smiles happily, can't wait to see them come along one day.
And along with that I never do this I havn't done this in years i sat and talked to thin air, asking my dad to get the arguments to stop. Most would say praying but I was just talking to my dad. I have to admit I felt better after i'm now listening to Josh turner he soothing me at moment.
I do not like power games, nor do I like arguments. Which is whats going on at the moment. However if backed into a corner you'll face a whole new me which is so true. I only argue when I have nowhere left to back to. So if I'm in a corner and nowhere to turn my back from arguing i'll fight.
I love my family very much, but this fighting and arguing is getting to me. It may not look like it. I may not show it, but it is there. My honey knew he asked what they were fighting about. hen I told him he said oh Lord. He knows the best thing is to keep my mind off it.
Talk about anything but what is going on or I will get angry and he knows as I've said that I do not want to go to that place. Carl knows to keep me from putting my wall up that humour helps. It truly does, But today it took a long time to get past the fact they were arguing again. I wanted Carl here by my sidem just so I could bury self into arms and forget about it. For some unknown reason, I tried eating with mom and brother. I couldn't sit in the same room all I could feel was the tension and I had to go back upstairs. Once I did I felt spaced out almost like it drained all my energy feeling the tension. You know seems like i'm giving up the fight to keep peace i'm trying and trying, then when it get directed at me I walk away... is that a good thing should I just let them get on with it. Yes I felt bad I said leave it alone, i'm not here to listen to you argue. I walked out and said I would be back in a bit.
As Carl said it's not your fight to be stressed over.. I agree but i'm stressed listening to their petty arguing. I wish they would all grow the fuck up and act like adults. That's a week solid now.
One good thing about the day spoke to Carl on yahoo for uhmns 7 hours straight. If he hadn't of kept my mind occupied, We have been making plans all day smiles happily, can't wait to see them come along one day.
And along with that I never do this I havn't done this in years i sat and talked to thin air, asking my dad to get the arguments to stop. Most would say praying but I was just talking to my dad. I have to admit I felt better after i'm now listening to Josh turner he soothing me at moment.
Saturday, 20 October 2007
Sits singing to the music i previously posted
Today seemed to be a better day. Yesterday night or early this morning Jay was in a car accident he is fine apart from the minor whiplash. That coupled with arguing the day before just took the piss really. I can only take so much before I feel the need to just walk out for a bit, there was almost another argument between Jay and mom in the car this afternoon. I am caught in the middle of it all trying to keep the peace and calmness. It's tiring, mom said I look tired. I do i saw myself in the mirror this morning and thought you look so different from before the summer passed. Back then I looked almost carefree.
Now I look I don't know I look, that sparkle in eyes has faded it there when I think of Carl it's about only time you will now see my old self come out. Is when I speak of Carl he brings my bubbly laughing self out.
I've done a lot of growing up over the years some have even said they have often thought i'm in my 30s in VP. I asked why they thought that, usuall response is because you don't act like a 23 year old. Trying to explain my father passed when I was sixteen, I had to help mom raise my two brothers. I have in the lowest moments of my moms depression taken over running the house as well as housesitting when she travels. Many of my freinds have said you had to grow up fast, you lost the innocence most would still have. By the time I hit 18 in those 2 years I was so different. Yes I do sometimes sit and think I missed out on so much of what people my age would have experienced. Do I ever regret it? No not for one moment have I regretted my lifes path. I would not be the person I am today.
There are moments when I grow tired of being who I am, who doesnt have those moments. Yes I have doubts, I have fears.I have moments where I ask how much more can be thrown at me?
Yes more gets thrown but I continue to roll with it as best I can. Least I don't stop rolling with it. Somehow I find the mentality to keep going even when for a fleeting moment I feel like giving in. Then the courage and strength will come out making me more determined to keep going. Yes i'm exausted but who gives a shit. I don't I gotta keep going.
I worked out since may i've lost two dress sizes tried some old trousers on that fitted in May, they are like clown trousers. Even mom said I find it weird you lost a lot of weight since you left university. Yet you were on the go all the time for 9 months. Yets it's really dropped off since you left. I don't understand it myself. We said it unusual she expected me to go back to comfort eating like before University. Yet now I eat less. I think it's having to deal with alot of stuff the crises with the mortgage and the family being almost at war with mom over the business, traveling and the money Mom's put into the business.
I said today If this doesn't get sorted there will be major family split, I can't face that I think...I just...i've lost to many of my family they are all I have left. The sheer thought of mom and John being on one side and gee, jay and vicks being on the other with me in the middle. It.. it scares the living daylights out of me. It's happening already, Carl can see it so many who know me can see it. I don't want it to happen perminantly. I love my mom and will support her as best, but I love my brothers too and I can see some of their points as well as moms. It reminds me of my Dad with his sisters, never in a million years all those years ago when he passed did I ever think i'd go throught he same thing my father went through with his mom and sisters. He was the peacekeeper between Gina, babette and lesley against chrissy. Like us they detested roy (nans husband). Gina and Dad supported nan as best they could Dad kept the sisters in contact being closer to babs, Gina and Lesley.
It's only tonight did I realise I now truly understand what my father went through, I can see why it made him the man I knew to be my Dad. I wish I could sit down with him and say this -
~Dad i'm going through what you went through please help..I understand now how much it hurt you... I can see why you and your sisters had a close bond..they looked upto you because you were the rock that held them together..Please help i'm going through what you went through and I want to know how you kept going when you thought you couldnt... I love you Dad.. Now I see why you were you~
I'm seeing things through my fathers eyes with each day I seem to become more like my dad.. I looked at myself today all I could see was my fathers face mirroring in the mirror with mine, I could see his eyes. My eyes look so like his now and with the weight loss I'm starting to look more like him with each month. My attitude to life seems to be very similar and the way I deal with things is becoming so similar. I don't understand why it's happening now after 7 years. Maybe the events of the last few years has forced me to look at how my Dad coped with things. Yet I thought I would be more like my mom.. she has been the main driving factor in my life yet, i'm like dad more. I wonder if Mom has noticed that. Guess I'll ask
That's all for now folks....
Now I look I don't know I look, that sparkle in eyes has faded it there when I think of Carl it's about only time you will now see my old self come out. Is when I speak of Carl he brings my bubbly laughing self out.
I've done a lot of growing up over the years some have even said they have often thought i'm in my 30s in VP. I asked why they thought that, usuall response is because you don't act like a 23 year old. Trying to explain my father passed when I was sixteen, I had to help mom raise my two brothers. I have in the lowest moments of my moms depression taken over running the house as well as housesitting when she travels. Many of my freinds have said you had to grow up fast, you lost the innocence most would still have. By the time I hit 18 in those 2 years I was so different. Yes I do sometimes sit and think I missed out on so much of what people my age would have experienced. Do I ever regret it? No not for one moment have I regretted my lifes path. I would not be the person I am today.
There are moments when I grow tired of being who I am, who doesnt have those moments. Yes I have doubts, I have fears.I have moments where I ask how much more can be thrown at me?
Yes more gets thrown but I continue to roll with it as best I can. Least I don't stop rolling with it. Somehow I find the mentality to keep going even when for a fleeting moment I feel like giving in. Then the courage and strength will come out making me more determined to keep going. Yes i'm exausted but who gives a shit. I don't I gotta keep going.
I worked out since may i've lost two dress sizes tried some old trousers on that fitted in May, they are like clown trousers. Even mom said I find it weird you lost a lot of weight since you left university. Yet you were on the go all the time for 9 months. Yets it's really dropped off since you left. I don't understand it myself. We said it unusual she expected me to go back to comfort eating like before University. Yet now I eat less. I think it's having to deal with alot of stuff the crises with the mortgage and the family being almost at war with mom over the business, traveling and the money Mom's put into the business.
I said today If this doesn't get sorted there will be major family split, I can't face that I think...I just...i've lost to many of my family they are all I have left. The sheer thought of mom and John being on one side and gee, jay and vicks being on the other with me in the middle. It.. it scares the living daylights out of me. It's happening already, Carl can see it so many who know me can see it. I don't want it to happen perminantly. I love my mom and will support her as best, but I love my brothers too and I can see some of their points as well as moms. It reminds me of my Dad with his sisters, never in a million years all those years ago when he passed did I ever think i'd go throught he same thing my father went through with his mom and sisters. He was the peacekeeper between Gina, babette and lesley against chrissy. Like us they detested roy (nans husband). Gina and Dad supported nan as best they could Dad kept the sisters in contact being closer to babs, Gina and Lesley.
It's only tonight did I realise I now truly understand what my father went through, I can see why it made him the man I knew to be my Dad. I wish I could sit down with him and say this -
~Dad i'm going through what you went through please help..I understand now how much it hurt you... I can see why you and your sisters had a close bond..they looked upto you because you were the rock that held them together..Please help i'm going through what you went through and I want to know how you kept going when you thought you couldnt... I love you Dad.. Now I see why you were you~
I'm seeing things through my fathers eyes with each day I seem to become more like my dad.. I looked at myself today all I could see was my fathers face mirroring in the mirror with mine, I could see his eyes. My eyes look so like his now and with the weight loss I'm starting to look more like him with each month. My attitude to life seems to be very similar and the way I deal with things is becoming so similar. I don't understand why it's happening now after 7 years. Maybe the events of the last few years has forced me to look at how my Dad coped with things. Yet I thought I would be more like my mom.. she has been the main driving factor in my life yet, i'm like dad more. I wonder if Mom has noticed that. Guess I'll ask
That's all for now folks....
Thursday, 18 October 2007
well today it all caught up with me
The sheer exaustion of the past month odd caught up with me i slept all day. I was fighting at noon to stay awake I had been awake 24 hours, normally I can go alot longer but I was so tired I was dropping off in the armchair. I guess it was relief that it was finally over. All I got from mom was well now you know how I feel. No offense I've house sat many a time yes it's tiring but this time round it was tiring and a tad stressful. Alot happened this time compared to others. I don't appreciate getting told now you know how I feel. You know what sucks the most. I havn't even had a thank you for my efforts, no mention of how tidy the house is. It's spotless.
I spoke to carl last night. He helped hugely he could tell I was exausted to point where I couldn't even think, he let me call alot earlier than normal. He knew all I could think about was trying to keep the peace between everyone. Said my voice said it all, he kept telling me to just go to sleep, just close your eyes and drift off. He sounded so worried i've never heard him sound worried when he spoke softly I almost burst out crying. I don't do crying.. something I do in private but with him I was on verge of just letting go he said just let it out if need to cry just cry on phone i'm gonna listen... told me somethings to say. Said if argued just yell shut the fuck up go to corners and calm down or shout at them shut the fuck up and walk out.
I said I can't do that, i'll loose my cool it will be worst thing I can do. Remember I am one who likes to keep temper in check I knew if yelled it would just come out. Got told if that what it takes just vent it at them let the fustration out. I think he just wanted to get me to let it out he trying to teach me not to keep it in to point where it exausts me trying to keep things in check.
I didn't tell him the reason I control my temper and fustrations. I'm like my dad I don't like to show my emotions when I am tired or angry. In my early teens I had a foul temper that would come out once a month. It took a long time for me to control it to point where I rarely loose my cool or show my anger. Yeh I might get pissy but I havnt shouted or screamed at anyone properly in over four years. I don't want to loose my cool. I pride the ability to keep calm towards my family when things hit the fan. Yes it's at a detriment to my emotions at the time. I guess Carl trying to teach me to let it out. He wants to make sure I don't keep using the block i use with my emotions, the one I often talk about. He knows me too well it scary.
I was trying to avoid letting him know my true feelings about the argument, everytime I tried to block him off within seconds he was past the wall, how does he do it. It's almost as if he sees me trying to put the wall up and just knocks it down like it's paper. How, he works past it so fast he makes me talk about what's really bothering me. I got so exausted on the phone trying not to think to point where he said I sounded like I was passing out from tiredness. I gave up in end, I was too tired to keep trying to put the wall up. He knew it when he knew i'd stopped trying he then talked me through some stuff. I fought so damn hard I didn't want to let him close to point where he knew exact thoughts. That scared me it scared me letting him know how i really felt, I just let it out when I did I relaxed to point of passing out. It was sheer relief, was almost as if I felt so safe. That nothing would hurt me.
I let go and that was hardest thing for me to do, I let it go I gave up the wall with him and stopped fighting and he didn't run...
He knew i'd fight to keep him away on that he knew. How?
I Love him so much for him to break the barrier that i'd been fighting for so damn long to hold up to shield him from the side no one sees. I call it the weak part of me because it the side where I am confused and it's part of me where I need someone to be there to give me strength to keep going when i'm tired. Takes some doing to get past it alot of people can't even scratch the surface.
That's all folks
I spoke to carl last night. He helped hugely he could tell I was exausted to point where I couldn't even think, he let me call alot earlier than normal. He knew all I could think about was trying to keep the peace between everyone. Said my voice said it all, he kept telling me to just go to sleep, just close your eyes and drift off. He sounded so worried i've never heard him sound worried when he spoke softly I almost burst out crying. I don't do crying.. something I do in private but with him I was on verge of just letting go he said just let it out if need to cry just cry on phone i'm gonna listen... told me somethings to say. Said if argued just yell shut the fuck up go to corners and calm down or shout at them shut the fuck up and walk out.
I said I can't do that, i'll loose my cool it will be worst thing I can do. Remember I am one who likes to keep temper in check I knew if yelled it would just come out. Got told if that what it takes just vent it at them let the fustration out. I think he just wanted to get me to let it out he trying to teach me not to keep it in to point where it exausts me trying to keep things in check.
I didn't tell him the reason I control my temper and fustrations. I'm like my dad I don't like to show my emotions when I am tired or angry. In my early teens I had a foul temper that would come out once a month. It took a long time for me to control it to point where I rarely loose my cool or show my anger. Yeh I might get pissy but I havnt shouted or screamed at anyone properly in over four years. I don't want to loose my cool. I pride the ability to keep calm towards my family when things hit the fan. Yes it's at a detriment to my emotions at the time. I guess Carl trying to teach me to let it out. He wants to make sure I don't keep using the block i use with my emotions, the one I often talk about. He knows me too well it scary.
I was trying to avoid letting him know my true feelings about the argument, everytime I tried to block him off within seconds he was past the wall, how does he do it. It's almost as if he sees me trying to put the wall up and just knocks it down like it's paper. How, he works past it so fast he makes me talk about what's really bothering me. I got so exausted on the phone trying not to think to point where he said I sounded like I was passing out from tiredness. I gave up in end, I was too tired to keep trying to put the wall up. He knew it when he knew i'd stopped trying he then talked me through some stuff. I fought so damn hard I didn't want to let him close to point where he knew exact thoughts. That scared me it scared me letting him know how i really felt, I just let it out when I did I relaxed to point of passing out. It was sheer relief, was almost as if I felt so safe. That nothing would hurt me.
I let go and that was hardest thing for me to do, I let it go I gave up the wall with him and stopped fighting and he didn't run...
He knew i'd fight to keep him away on that he knew. How?
I Love him so much for him to break the barrier that i'd been fighting for so damn long to hold up to shield him from the side no one sees. I call it the weak part of me because it the side where I am confused and it's part of me where I need someone to be there to give me strength to keep going when i'm tired. Takes some doing to get past it alot of people can't even scratch the surface.
That's all folks
Wednesday, 17 October 2007
My favourite lyrics
Last night...I told a lie.
When I told you..."I could say goodbye".
Here in the light of day...
What a crazy thing for me to say?
What I meant to say was..."I love you".
What's been killin' me is...I hurt you.
What I didn't do was...hold you when I saw the teardrops fall.
What I should've said was..."I'm sorry".
What I should've said was..."Forgive me".
What I meant to say was...what I didn't say at all.
Last night...I had a dream.
You were really walking out on me.
I woke up scared to death.
Please forget about the things I said.
What I meant to say was..."I love you".
What's been killin' me is...I hurt you.
What I didn't do was...hold you when I saw the teardrops fall.
What I should've said was..."I'm sorry".
What I should've said was..."Forgive me".
What I meant to say was...what I didn't say at all.
What I meant to say was...what I didn't say at all.
When I told you..."I could say goodbye".
Here in the light of day...
What a crazy thing for me to say?
What I meant to say was..."I love you".
What's been killin' me is...I hurt you.
What I didn't do was...hold you when I saw the teardrops fall.
What I should've said was..."I'm sorry".
What I should've said was..."Forgive me".
What I meant to say was...what I didn't say at all.
Last night...I had a dream.
You were really walking out on me.
I woke up scared to death.
Please forget about the things I said.
What I meant to say was..."I love you".
What's been killin' me is...I hurt you.
What I didn't do was...hold you when I saw the teardrops fall.
What I should've said was..."I'm sorry".
What I should've said was..."Forgive me".
What I meant to say was...what I didn't say at all.
What I meant to say was...what I didn't say at all.
Well chaos has ensued
Chaos had ensued upon mom arrival home. I spent 45mins being peacekeeper. Damn i'm getting too old for this shit. Gee and mom argued in car, jay had go at mom as john spent jays wages on his shop and didn't let jay know that was what he was doing.
I advised everyone to calm down, go to seperate rooms and we would deal with it in the morning. Worked well but everyones stewing, including me. Why do I have to be the peacekeeper.
I knew this would happen, i've known for a while there would be arguments upon moms return. The tension been lingering since she left too much happened for the boys to let it slide... She looked healthy but has lost more weight since i last saw her.
Lets out a shakey sigh trying to keep self relaxed which is hard to do when I know i'll be facing some bad moods in the morning, i'm just remaining impartial I have my own thoughts but they will not be spoken too much is going on as of this moment I am actively using my wall to keep self distant from the arguments...
I advised everyone to calm down, go to seperate rooms and we would deal with it in the morning. Worked well but everyones stewing, including me. Why do I have to be the peacekeeper.
I knew this would happen, i've known for a while there would be arguments upon moms return. The tension been lingering since she left too much happened for the boys to let it slide... She looked healthy but has lost more weight since i last saw her.
Lets out a shakey sigh trying to keep self relaxed which is hard to do when I know i'll be facing some bad moods in the morning, i'm just remaining impartial I have my own thoughts but they will not be spoken too much is going on as of this moment I am actively using my wall to keep self distant from the arguments...
Monday, 15 October 2007
lets see.....
I've had two hours sleep since yesterday, missing my man so much. We spoke for a bit early this morning, both of us tried to help eachother stay awake... he was dropping off more than I was which is unusual. Carl must've been exausted I could hear it in his voice he sounded so weary the first time we spoke. Perked up a little bit the second time we called but he was struggling to stay awake he kept dropping off. I love him sooo much smiles happily. Pity I'm not nearer him just want to be with him so much in real. He has made me the happiest one alive apart from odd moments of self doubt on my behalf where I sit and ponder quietly to self. But that is me..
I can't wait to speak to him tonight if I can hoping so i've missed his voice and our nightly chats.
I think today has been phone calls galore laughs spoke to one of my adopted vp sis and bro we had a 3 way call. That was funny hopes I can call another of my adoptive sisters today if get chance and my adoptive Ma. These phone cards starting to get expensive. Can see me needing to get more calling credit tomorrow. Good job it's pay day. Mom wants a phone card for when she gets back to call John with. Gotta love iphone cards they are brillient with their minutes and it only costs the card unless you use cellphones which i refuse to do as i'm trying to make my credit last as long as I can.
I need to run to bathroom and just chill out on bed might watch a movie as no one is online. It's that time of night for me almost 6pm when i start to feel most sleepy, I guess becauseit's pitch black outside and cold and fairly windy. Took the dogs out and froze on the spot thank gawd for my new slipper these little boot ugg things are so comfy and keep my tootsies nice and warm. Wish I had Carl to curl upto for warmth he says he is a toastie, so im the cold one he the warm one niceeeeeeeeeeeee. He can keep me warm any day of the week mhnnnnn cuddles and sleep sounds so good and more hehe.
I also spoke to mom this evening she called me to see how everyone is. They seem to be doing ok now. No arguments funny how 2 days before she is due to come home he makes the effort of spending time alone with her, when he said it was ment to be for the duration of the trip.
Oh well it is in her voice she sounded happy and that is all that matters..
Gotta take the rubbish out tonight as it's rubbish day tomorrow and I will be doing some more clothes washing too. Gotta tidy my bedroom too at somepoint it's a mess right now. I've sort of let it slide but it will get tidied before mom comes home, which is on the 17th. Also got to ring a local taxi company to see if can pick mom up from the airport and how much it will cost. i'm guessing around $170-$180 at most. But we shall see. Origionally she told me she was getting the train home but I guess and understand it's a hassle the last thing you want at the end of the day. Flying days are long I speak from experience. Everytime i've travelled I've worked out a day for flying and airport equals almost between 17-20 hours. Explains why you always so knackered when you get to detination going and coming home.
It's freezing here brrrrrrrrrrrr 45f on average but I swear it feels like it's 30f doesnt feel like fourties to me. Oh well least the heating is on and my bedroom is warm. Jay has put heating on when he has been here so I guess he is feeling the chill too. Gee and vicks moan it's too warm well we know why. Because they stay in bedroom with 2 tvs running 2 game consoles running and a laptop. And do something else so means it'l be warmer anyways. Plus it's a smaller room. Yet when I was in there it was always chilly, never hot or warm. The room i'm in now is shared but jay has slept in lounge for the last 2 and bit weeks. It's warm but even at night with heat next to my bed and curtains and window being kept shut I always wake up chilly. Even the dogs are hugging the heating rad at night mainly rux so guess he feeling it too or he curls up under the comforter with me while kady nicks my pillows or sleeps by my head.
Okay I really need to stop this blog i'm needing the bathroom,
That's all folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't wait to speak to him tonight if I can hoping so i've missed his voice and our nightly chats.
I think today has been phone calls galore laughs spoke to one of my adopted vp sis and bro we had a 3 way call. That was funny hopes I can call another of my adoptive sisters today if get chance and my adoptive Ma. These phone cards starting to get expensive. Can see me needing to get more calling credit tomorrow. Good job it's pay day. Mom wants a phone card for when she gets back to call John with. Gotta love iphone cards they are brillient with their minutes and it only costs the card unless you use cellphones which i refuse to do as i'm trying to make my credit last as long as I can.
I need to run to bathroom and just chill out on bed might watch a movie as no one is online. It's that time of night for me almost 6pm when i start to feel most sleepy, I guess becauseit's pitch black outside and cold and fairly windy. Took the dogs out and froze on the spot thank gawd for my new slipper these little boot ugg things are so comfy and keep my tootsies nice and warm. Wish I had Carl to curl upto for warmth he says he is a toastie, so im the cold one he the warm one niceeeeeeeeeeeee. He can keep me warm any day of the week mhnnnnn cuddles and sleep sounds so good and more hehe.
I also spoke to mom this evening she called me to see how everyone is. They seem to be doing ok now. No arguments funny how 2 days before she is due to come home he makes the effort of spending time alone with her, when he said it was ment to be for the duration of the trip.
Oh well it is in her voice she sounded happy and that is all that matters..
Gotta take the rubbish out tonight as it's rubbish day tomorrow and I will be doing some more clothes washing too. Gotta tidy my bedroom too at somepoint it's a mess right now. I've sort of let it slide but it will get tidied before mom comes home, which is on the 17th. Also got to ring a local taxi company to see if can pick mom up from the airport and how much it will cost. i'm guessing around $170-$180 at most. But we shall see. Origionally she told me she was getting the train home but I guess and understand it's a hassle the last thing you want at the end of the day. Flying days are long I speak from experience. Everytime i've travelled I've worked out a day for flying and airport equals almost between 17-20 hours. Explains why you always so knackered when you get to detination going and coming home.
It's freezing here brrrrrrrrrrrr 45f on average but I swear it feels like it's 30f doesnt feel like fourties to me. Oh well least the heating is on and my bedroom is warm. Jay has put heating on when he has been here so I guess he is feeling the chill too. Gee and vicks moan it's too warm well we know why. Because they stay in bedroom with 2 tvs running 2 game consoles running and a laptop. And do something else so means it'l be warmer anyways. Plus it's a smaller room. Yet when I was in there it was always chilly, never hot or warm. The room i'm in now is shared but jay has slept in lounge for the last 2 and bit weeks. It's warm but even at night with heat next to my bed and curtains and window being kept shut I always wake up chilly. Even the dogs are hugging the heating rad at night mainly rux so guess he feeling it too or he curls up under the comforter with me while kady nicks my pillows or sleeps by my head.
Okay I really need to stop this blog i'm needing the bathroom,
That's all folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, 12 October 2007
i'm bored stupid
well as you can see from my blog title i'm bored stupid. Doing bits of housework slowly soo fucking boring, Gee n vicks are hiding bedroom. Jays out. No one is online and Carl's probably asleep. Been painting a bit in psp. I'm sooooooo bored.. same routine gets to me, I even went to bed earlier last night. Got woken umpteen times by mom texting. which means I didnt have a decent sleep. I just want something to instead of sitting at pc trying to cure boredom or tidying or cooking. This just sucks. Yeh shoot me with a gun i'm so fed up with the same routine fuck it im switching phone off and going to sleep early tonight. I'm fed up with doing late nights waiting to call my honey. It tiring me out, only to have him talk to me an hour or two tops go on yahoo the next day and go brb and never come back or comes back 2-3 hours later. Grumbes fuck it all, gonna have break from pc next few days it screwing my back up and making me eat even less. I wanted to tell him something today but I don't think i'll bother....
Tired of all the drama, moms got drama with john. Ring me tomorrow is all I get. Why should I she never tells the full story. Fuck it argh just gimmi a fucking break please, I need a Break and not next year I need one NOW!!!!!!!!
Tired of all the drama, moms got drama with john. Ring me tomorrow is all I get. Why should I she never tells the full story. Fuck it argh just gimmi a fucking break please, I need a Break and not next year I need one NOW!!!!!!!!
Thursday, 11 October 2007
Finally moms coming home
she gets back on 17th this month. I'm in a weird mood almost relief, I now need a cry. I need a hug and I need sleep. Wish my man was here I could really do with some strong arms to just hold me and let me fall asleep there and then. I've missed him since yesterday, can't wait to talk to him, dang I can't stop wishing he was here. I'm not normally like this but for some unknown reason tonight I really need him and to have him hold me close. I need him to send me to sleep make me drift off he sooths me and I need that soothing voice. Either that or i'll end up crying if he tlks softly.
He gonna if we speak tonight wonder why i'm, so quiet, I won't be able to answer it a question when i'm this way I can't answer. Nothing is wrong, i'm not sad, not angry, not happy either. I can't say what it is I think it close to tiredness
It's my thinking mood one of those indiscribable moods. He'll pick it up he hasn't come across this mood yet. He has heard me pissed off, he has heard me tired, he has heard me over moon, he has heard me when the wall goes up. Hope he doesn't think it because of the talk we had yesterday morning.
That conversation has been running through my head over and over again. My brain doesn't want to register he ment every word. I beleive it as he was deadly serious that he wants us together in real life. But my brain is failing to register the seriousness of how much it means to him. It keeps playing over and over in head all the sentences and words. it's almost as if I'm shellshocked. I am so happy and thrilled because for so long I waited, but to hear him say it in concrete and with serious thoughts of the future. Before it was more we gonna do this and that. Yesterday it was something a gut instinct none of that bantering stuff we usually do. It was serious thoughts as a couple I havn't really had that before, even when we were together over four years ago it was more bantering and this and that. We were serious but not to this extent. He doesn't want to loose me......I don't want to loose him again.
I'm going to say this with all seriousness. Me and Carl are Soulmates.... I've never said that before to anyone not even my exes. He is the first one and only person I've ever had that feeling with. It getting stronger each day. I had a bad dream the other night that left me full of doubts till yesterday.
I dremt I walked away from him again. He fought in my dream to stop me from walking away from him. Kept standing in front of me and asking why I was running away from him I replied i'm not running from you when In my dream I wanted to keep walking, his reply in dream that he can't loose me again. I guess because at once point a lil bit ago I contemplated breaking up because I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want the same thing as the past to happen and I got scared that it would. I am hoping it won't this time round.
I stood my ground when my brain and was saying walk away, because you don't want a repeat of the past. I'm so glad I didn't i'd be full of regrets.
11pm and i'm still awake I've not eaten dinner either. I'm not hungry. This sucks. I wanna eat but i'm not hungry. Growls softly.
That's all folks !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He gonna if we speak tonight wonder why i'm, so quiet, I won't be able to answer it a question when i'm this way I can't answer. Nothing is wrong, i'm not sad, not angry, not happy either. I can't say what it is I think it close to tiredness
It's my thinking mood one of those indiscribable moods. He'll pick it up he hasn't come across this mood yet. He has heard me pissed off, he has heard me tired, he has heard me over moon, he has heard me when the wall goes up. Hope he doesn't think it because of the talk we had yesterday morning.
That conversation has been running through my head over and over again. My brain doesn't want to register he ment every word. I beleive it as he was deadly serious that he wants us together in real life. But my brain is failing to register the seriousness of how much it means to him. It keeps playing over and over in head all the sentences and words. it's almost as if I'm shellshocked. I am so happy and thrilled because for so long I waited, but to hear him say it in concrete and with serious thoughts of the future. Before it was more we gonna do this and that. Yesterday it was something a gut instinct none of that bantering stuff we usually do. It was serious thoughts as a couple I havn't really had that before, even when we were together over four years ago it was more bantering and this and that. We were serious but not to this extent. He doesn't want to loose me......I don't want to loose him again.
I'm going to say this with all seriousness. Me and Carl are Soulmates.... I've never said that before to anyone not even my exes. He is the first one and only person I've ever had that feeling with. It getting stronger each day. I had a bad dream the other night that left me full of doubts till yesterday.
I dremt I walked away from him again. He fought in my dream to stop me from walking away from him. Kept standing in front of me and asking why I was running away from him I replied i'm not running from you when In my dream I wanted to keep walking, his reply in dream that he can't loose me again. I guess because at once point a lil bit ago I contemplated breaking up because I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want the same thing as the past to happen and I got scared that it would. I am hoping it won't this time round.
I stood my ground when my brain and was saying walk away, because you don't want a repeat of the past. I'm so glad I didn't i'd be full of regrets.
11pm and i'm still awake I've not eaten dinner either. I'm not hungry. This sucks. I wanna eat but i'm not hungry. Growls softly.
That's all folks !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
Today has been different
Today I woke up in one foul mood, had a stonker of a headache and was still sleepy. Then bro rang asking for the so called money I owed him which he infact owed me. Git.
I feel better in myself today, nothing happened like I expected. Didn't need to hide out like origionally thought.
Well today after my blog other night about being unsure me and Carl had a long talk, he talked through some things with me explained a few things and it made world of difference. I got no more doubts it got serious today, scared me a little at first but it helped me realise we not walking away again. It was just what I needed to get rid of those doubts I posted in my last blog, those questions and me holding self back on making plans. I decided today no more holding back on plans. He really serious about living together, thought it has been just small talk after today I learnt he means it.
I guess he somehow picked up that I wasn't so sure whether he ment it or was just banter. He said us being together means we are moving towards getting together in real life, I am having to change my way of thinking. We have to think of things as a couple, i'm having to rethink decisions I make at work with you in mind. Which is his way of saying he want's to know he will be around for a long time without worrying about me being left alone because of something bad happening at work. That got me realising he was serious. He never been that serious before something clicked into place this morning. Wohoo.
Thats all folks!!!!!!!!!!
I feel better in myself today, nothing happened like I expected. Didn't need to hide out like origionally thought.
Well today after my blog other night about being unsure me and Carl had a long talk, he talked through some things with me explained a few things and it made world of difference. I got no more doubts it got serious today, scared me a little at first but it helped me realise we not walking away again. It was just what I needed to get rid of those doubts I posted in my last blog, those questions and me holding self back on making plans. I decided today no more holding back on plans. He really serious about living together, thought it has been just small talk after today I learnt he means it.
I guess he somehow picked up that I wasn't so sure whether he ment it or was just banter. He said us being together means we are moving towards getting together in real life, I am having to change my way of thinking. We have to think of things as a couple, i'm having to rethink decisions I make at work with you in mind. Which is his way of saying he want's to know he will be around for a long time without worrying about me being left alone because of something bad happening at work. That got me realising he was serious. He never been that serious before something clicked into place this morning. Wohoo.
Thats all folks!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, 8 October 2007
Pride and Prejudice- Like the Rain
I love the song so much my boyfreind sent it to me I had to share the song
I havn't posted in forever
Well I finally found the addy for this site again today.
Let's see Mom is still in Jordan, i'm still housesitting. It's damn cold and I wish I had my man to snuggle upto for warmth, even with 2 quiltsa i'm cold at night.
I've taken up a habit of conking out at the pc, my laptop has stopped working. I fall asleep at the desk always around 6-7pm talking to my honey. Everytime I just conk out he spends at least fifteen mins trying to wake me up. I can't help it lol. He thinks it's cute. We still doing our nightly talks but the last couple of weesk i've been so tired it been an hour or two tops during night. Bless he knows when im tired he always offer to hang up so I can curl up and sleep. I refuse no matter how tired I am.
Spoke to mom today. Hmn I threatened if she keeps sending weird texts I won't be housesitting ever again, namely because i'm a tad tired of being accused of not going shopping for food or cooking or doing anything, Yeh I spend alotta time at pc but I tidy, wash up, cook, do lunches, feed dogs, let dogs out, do clothes washing, tidy kitchen, clear out rubbish. I also do a weekly shop alone with no help which can be a bugger carrying all the stuff into the house.
What do they all do maybe the odd lunch here and there and tidy their room.
It's annoying being accused of not doing what I always have done in housesitting duty. I asked how many times over the years have I housesat for you? She couldn't answer it. And I said and how many times have we had shit like this time round happen? She said never which is true. I said look i've been doing this for years. Your getting one persons perspective who only tells you his version of the story. I said he is never around when I do the bulk shop, so therefore he doesn't know what he is going on about. It could aslo be his way of getting back at me for not giving him money for weed. I only get $120 a week, which is supposed to be for four people but i've been having to feed five people. Apparently I was supposed to get $40 a week from middle brother for housekeeping. Well Gee whizz mom negleted to tell me till today three weeks in she tells me. That extra would've sure come in handy.
I explained when they borrow money for their weed, it leaves me short of upto $80 a week. I get the money back after constant asking but only $40 of it. I also explained i've been having to buy top ups for the youngest brother he has had $40 worth in less than a week. When I explained that Mom said no more lending no more top ups for them. She said why have you been buying him top ups. I said because he speaks to you more he said Mom said can you buy me a top up. Like a fool I beleived him. I been taken for a ride. Guess I have mug stamped on my head. I've decided no more Miss Nice that's it i'm done with it.
My youngest brother couldn't look me in the face or eye. He knew he had fucked up royally, I expected more from him not that kind of behavior. He know's he messed with the wrong person tonight he heard me talking to mom on phone, he has since avoided looking at me he hangs his head down. My defense wall is up. I'm now cold and distant to the three of them tonight i've barely acknowledged them. They picked the wrong day to mess with me.
Barely spoken to Carl today his computer and wireless was acting up again. He came on gave up came on again tonight for tiny bit and poofed. It's been an asshole of a day. Truly not what I needed and more stuff keeps happening. I'm not angry i'm almost deadly calm too calm for my liking even my dogs are scared of me right now. So I must be giving off some kind of vibe that giving them a warning. I feel tense it's in my shoulders and keeps making me stand tall and straight usually i'm relaxed but not tonight, every muscle in my body is on tense alert. I looked at myself in mirror just now and almost double took I look exactly like my father did when he had the mood I am in now.
I'm mulling a few things over at the moment in my mind. I'm asking is it really worth my time and effort to try and move out. Today has made me want to get my own place, i'd love to go stay with Carl but at the moment I know for a long time it won't even be possible.
There is talk of him coming over here which is a first to hang out with me and my family, in all the time in last 4 months and when we together before he never talked of coming to the UK. He now talks of spending time in the UK as well as me spending time in the US with him. He sounds like he has accepted my family big time and plans of stuff he will do with me as well as the boys. He still sees them as his brothers. I guess for both of us far more serious than I origionally thought it would've been, i'll admit when we first got together I was expecting a brief fling or fleeting reunion of old emotions that would die down in both of us as fast as they had returned. But no we seem to fall further in love each day. We both miss eachother when we can't speak both of us try to spend as much time talking to eachother as we can, we both now call eachother he will ring me now too. If he know's I drifting off at pc he will ring to try wake me and get me to go rest on bed. I guess it's the real deal.
I just wish he was here, that's the part that hurts in a way. The fact we are both so far away yet we are so close I can't explain it I never could. Quite a few people who don't know either of us will assume we live together, I wonder why. They always ask how long we've lived together. I have never givn the impression to my knowledge we live together. Neither has he.
A few people are convinced if we get together in real we will most certainly get married. Growls softly with a little grin. As I keep saying it's only been X amount of months it's hard to say what will happen if the future, I not holding to many plans yes I may dream. He talks of marriage me as wifey and all sorts. He always did talk I do a little, but the back of my mind holds the memories of how much it hurt last time round to have all my dreams come crashing down around me. I still havn't got over it, yeh i'm with him but those hurtful memories sometimes creep in and I wonder. What's to stop that from happening again?
That's why I refuse to make too many plans like before. I will banter about things but part of me still holds back for fear of being heartbroken again. I can't bare to face it again.
It's getting harder to hold back the more we talk the harder it is for me not to do that. I am trying so hard not to loose the one thing I can control. I think he let his guard down faster than I have, which suprises me. Mine is there wavering between letting go completely but my brain says if you do and you get hurt your in for a world won't be the same again. It would break my soul in two if I let the guard go completely and the worst happened. That lil don't let it go pops into my head and my heart saying just let go. Just let go he loves you and you do him. Why hold onto something from the past. I just don't know what to do. Let my guard go or keep it there.
Well that's all folks!!!!!!!!
Let's see Mom is still in Jordan, i'm still housesitting. It's damn cold and I wish I had my man to snuggle upto for warmth, even with 2 quiltsa i'm cold at night.
I've taken up a habit of conking out at the pc, my laptop has stopped working. I fall asleep at the desk always around 6-7pm talking to my honey. Everytime I just conk out he spends at least fifteen mins trying to wake me up. I can't help it lol. He thinks it's cute. We still doing our nightly talks but the last couple of weesk i've been so tired it been an hour or two tops during night. Bless he knows when im tired he always offer to hang up so I can curl up and sleep. I refuse no matter how tired I am.
Spoke to mom today. Hmn I threatened if she keeps sending weird texts I won't be housesitting ever again, namely because i'm a tad tired of being accused of not going shopping for food or cooking or doing anything, Yeh I spend alotta time at pc but I tidy, wash up, cook, do lunches, feed dogs, let dogs out, do clothes washing, tidy kitchen, clear out rubbish. I also do a weekly shop alone with no help which can be a bugger carrying all the stuff into the house.
What do they all do maybe the odd lunch here and there and tidy their room.
It's annoying being accused of not doing what I always have done in housesitting duty. I asked how many times over the years have I housesat for you? She couldn't answer it. And I said and how many times have we had shit like this time round happen? She said never which is true. I said look i've been doing this for years. Your getting one persons perspective who only tells you his version of the story. I said he is never around when I do the bulk shop, so therefore he doesn't know what he is going on about. It could aslo be his way of getting back at me for not giving him money for weed. I only get $120 a week, which is supposed to be for four people but i've been having to feed five people. Apparently I was supposed to get $40 a week from middle brother for housekeeping. Well Gee whizz mom negleted to tell me till today three weeks in she tells me. That extra would've sure come in handy.
I explained when they borrow money for their weed, it leaves me short of upto $80 a week. I get the money back after constant asking but only $40 of it. I also explained i've been having to buy top ups for the youngest brother he has had $40 worth in less than a week. When I explained that Mom said no more lending no more top ups for them. She said why have you been buying him top ups. I said because he speaks to you more he said Mom said can you buy me a top up. Like a fool I beleived him. I been taken for a ride. Guess I have mug stamped on my head. I've decided no more Miss Nice that's it i'm done with it.
My youngest brother couldn't look me in the face or eye. He knew he had fucked up royally, I expected more from him not that kind of behavior. He know's he messed with the wrong person tonight he heard me talking to mom on phone, he has since avoided looking at me he hangs his head down. My defense wall is up. I'm now cold and distant to the three of them tonight i've barely acknowledged them. They picked the wrong day to mess with me.
Barely spoken to Carl today his computer and wireless was acting up again. He came on gave up came on again tonight for tiny bit and poofed. It's been an asshole of a day. Truly not what I needed and more stuff keeps happening. I'm not angry i'm almost deadly calm too calm for my liking even my dogs are scared of me right now. So I must be giving off some kind of vibe that giving them a warning. I feel tense it's in my shoulders and keeps making me stand tall and straight usually i'm relaxed but not tonight, every muscle in my body is on tense alert. I looked at myself in mirror just now and almost double took I look exactly like my father did when he had the mood I am in now.
I'm mulling a few things over at the moment in my mind. I'm asking is it really worth my time and effort to try and move out. Today has made me want to get my own place, i'd love to go stay with Carl but at the moment I know for a long time it won't even be possible.
There is talk of him coming over here which is a first to hang out with me and my family, in all the time in last 4 months and when we together before he never talked of coming to the UK. He now talks of spending time in the UK as well as me spending time in the US with him. He sounds like he has accepted my family big time and plans of stuff he will do with me as well as the boys. He still sees them as his brothers. I guess for both of us far more serious than I origionally thought it would've been, i'll admit when we first got together I was expecting a brief fling or fleeting reunion of old emotions that would die down in both of us as fast as they had returned. But no we seem to fall further in love each day. We both miss eachother when we can't speak both of us try to spend as much time talking to eachother as we can, we both now call eachother he will ring me now too. If he know's I drifting off at pc he will ring to try wake me and get me to go rest on bed. I guess it's the real deal.
I just wish he was here, that's the part that hurts in a way. The fact we are both so far away yet we are so close I can't explain it I never could. Quite a few people who don't know either of us will assume we live together, I wonder why. They always ask how long we've lived together. I have never givn the impression to my knowledge we live together. Neither has he.
A few people are convinced if we get together in real we will most certainly get married. Growls softly with a little grin. As I keep saying it's only been X amount of months it's hard to say what will happen if the future, I not holding to many plans yes I may dream. He talks of marriage me as wifey and all sorts. He always did talk I do a little, but the back of my mind holds the memories of how much it hurt last time round to have all my dreams come crashing down around me. I still havn't got over it, yeh i'm with him but those hurtful memories sometimes creep in and I wonder. What's to stop that from happening again?
That's why I refuse to make too many plans like before. I will banter about things but part of me still holds back for fear of being heartbroken again. I can't bare to face it again.
It's getting harder to hold back the more we talk the harder it is for me not to do that. I am trying so hard not to loose the one thing I can control. I think he let his guard down faster than I have, which suprises me. Mine is there wavering between letting go completely but my brain says if you do and you get hurt your in for a world won't be the same again. It would break my soul in two if I let the guard go completely and the worst happened. That lil don't let it go pops into my head and my heart saying just let go. Just let go he loves you and you do him. Why hold onto something from the past. I just don't know what to do. Let my guard go or keep it there.
Well that's all folks!!!!!!!!
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