well today it all caught up with me

The sheer exaustion of the past month odd caught up with me i slept all day. I was fighting at noon to stay awake I had been awake 24 hours, normally I can go alot longer but I was so tired I was dropping off in the armchair. I guess it was relief that it was finally over. All I got from mom was well now you know how I feel. No offense I've house sat many a time yes it's tiring but this time round it was tiring and a tad stressful. Alot happened this time compared to others. I don't appreciate getting told now you know how I feel. You know what sucks the most. I havn't even had a thank you for my efforts, no mention of how tidy the house is. It's spotless.

I spoke to carl last night. He helped hugely he could tell I was exausted to point where I couldn't even think, he let me call alot earlier than normal. He knew all I could think about was trying to keep the peace between everyone. Said my voice said it all, he kept telling me to just go to sleep, just close your eyes and drift off. He sounded so worried i've never heard him sound worried when he spoke softly I almost burst out crying. I don't do crying.. something I do in private but with him I was on verge of just letting go he said just let it out if need to cry just cry on phone i'm gonna listen... told me somethings to say. Said if argued just yell shut the fuck up go to corners and calm down or shout at them shut the fuck up and walk out.
I said I can't do that, i'll loose my cool it will be worst thing I can do. Remember I am one who likes to keep temper in check I knew if yelled it would just come out. Got told if that what it takes just vent it at them let the fustration out. I think he just wanted to get me to let it out he trying to teach me not to keep it in to point where it exausts me trying to keep things in check.

I didn't tell him the reason I control my temper and fustrations. I'm like my dad I don't like to show my emotions when I am tired or angry. In my early teens I had a foul temper that would come out once a month. It took a long time for me to control it to point where I rarely loose my cool or show my anger. Yeh I might get pissy but I havnt shouted or screamed at anyone properly in over four years. I don't want to loose my cool. I pride the ability to keep calm towards my family when things hit the fan. Yes it's at a detriment to my emotions at the time. I guess Carl trying to teach me to let it out. He wants to make sure I don't keep using the block i use with my emotions, the one I often talk about. He knows me too well it scary.

I was trying to avoid letting him know my true feelings about the argument, everytime I tried to block him off within seconds he was past the wall, how does he do it. It's almost as if he sees me trying to put the wall up and just knocks it down like it's paper. How, he works past it so fast he makes me talk about what's really bothering me. I got so exausted on the phone trying not to think to point where he said I sounded like I was passing out from tiredness. I gave up in end, I was too tired to keep trying to put the wall up. He knew it when he knew i'd stopped trying he then talked me through some stuff. I fought so damn hard I didn't want to let him close to point where he knew exact thoughts. That scared me it scared me letting him know how i really felt, I just let it out when I did I relaxed to point of passing out. It was sheer relief, was almost as if I felt so safe. That nothing would hurt me.

I let go and that was hardest thing for me to do, I let it go I gave up the wall with him and stopped fighting and he didn't run...
He knew i'd fight to keep him away on that he knew. How?
I Love him so much for him to break the barrier that i'd been fighting for so damn long to hold up to shield him from the side no one sees. I call it the weak part of me because it the side where I am confused and it's part of me where I need someone to be there to give me strength to keep going when i'm tired. Takes some doing to get past it alot of people can't even scratch the surface.

That's all folks