I havn't posted in forever

Well I finally found the addy for this site again today.

Let's see Mom is still in Jordan, i'm still housesitting. It's damn cold and I wish I had my man to snuggle upto for warmth, even with 2 quiltsa i'm cold at night.

I've taken up a habit of conking out at the pc, my laptop has stopped working. I fall asleep at the desk always around 6-7pm talking to my honey. Everytime I just conk out he spends at least fifteen mins trying to wake me up. I can't help it lol. He thinks it's cute. We still doing our nightly talks but the last couple of weesk i've been so tired it been an hour or two tops during night. Bless he knows when im tired he always offer to hang up so I can curl up and sleep. I refuse no matter how tired I am.

Spoke to mom today. Hmn I threatened if she keeps sending weird texts I won't be housesitting ever again, namely because i'm a tad tired of being accused of not going shopping for food or cooking or doing anything, Yeh I spend alotta time at pc but I tidy, wash up, cook, do lunches, feed dogs, let dogs out, do clothes washing, tidy kitchen, clear out rubbish. I also do a weekly shop alone with no help which can be a bugger carrying all the stuff into the house.
What do they all do maybe the odd lunch here and there and tidy their room.

It's annoying being accused of not doing what I always have done in housesitting duty. I asked how many times over the years have I housesat for you? She couldn't answer it. And I said and how many times have we had shit like this time round happen? She said never which is true. I said look i've been doing this for years. Your getting one persons perspective who only tells you his version of the story. I said he is never around when I do the bulk shop, so therefore he doesn't know what he is going on about. It could aslo be his way of getting back at me for not giving him money for weed. I only get $120 a week, which is supposed to be for four people but i've been having to feed five people. Apparently I was supposed to get $40 a week from middle brother for housekeeping. Well Gee whizz mom negleted to tell me till today three weeks in she tells me. That extra would've sure come in handy.

I explained when they borrow money for their weed, it leaves me short of upto $80 a week. I get the money back after constant asking but only $40 of it. I also explained i've been having to buy top ups for the youngest brother he has had $40 worth in less than a week. When I explained that Mom said no more lending no more top ups for them. She said why have you been buying him top ups. I said because he speaks to you more he said Mom said can you buy me a top up. Like a fool I beleived him. I been taken for a ride. Guess I have mug stamped on my head. I've decided no more Miss Nice that's it i'm done with it.

My youngest brother couldn't look me in the face or eye. He knew he had fucked up royally, I expected more from him not that kind of behavior. He know's he messed with the wrong person tonight he heard me talking to mom on phone, he has since avoided looking at me he hangs his head down. My defense wall is up. I'm now cold and distant to the three of them tonight i've barely acknowledged them. They picked the wrong day to mess with me.

Barely spoken to Carl today his computer and wireless was acting up again. He came on gave up came on again tonight for tiny bit and poofed. It's been an asshole of a day. Truly not what I needed and more stuff keeps happening. I'm not angry i'm almost deadly calm too calm for my liking even my dogs are scared of me right now. So I must be giving off some kind of vibe that giving them a warning. I feel tense it's in my shoulders and keeps making me stand tall and straight usually i'm relaxed but not tonight, every muscle in my body is on tense alert. I looked at myself in mirror just now and almost double took I look exactly like my father did when he had the mood I am in now.

I'm mulling a few things over at the moment in my mind. I'm asking is it really worth my time and effort to try and move out. Today has made me want to get my own place, i'd love to go stay with Carl but at the moment I know for a long time it won't even be possible.

There is talk of him coming over here which is a first to hang out with me and my family, in all the time in last 4 months and when we together before he never talked of coming to the UK. He now talks of spending time in the UK as well as me spending time in the US with him. He sounds like he has accepted my family big time and plans of stuff he will do with me as well as the boys. He still sees them as his brothers. I guess for both of us far more serious than I origionally thought it would've been, i'll admit when we first got together I was expecting a brief fling or fleeting reunion of old emotions that would die down in both of us as fast as they had returned. But no we seem to fall further in love each day. We both miss eachother when we can't speak both of us try to spend as much time talking to eachother as we can, we both now call eachother he will ring me now too. If he know's I drifting off at pc he will ring to try wake me and get me to go rest on bed. I guess it's the real deal.

I just wish he was here, that's the part that hurts in a way. The fact we are both so far away yet we are so close I can't explain it I never could. Quite a few people who don't know either of us will assume we live together, I wonder why. They always ask how long we've lived together. I have never givn the impression to my knowledge we live together. Neither has he.
A few people are convinced if we get together in real we will most certainly get married. Growls softly with a little grin. As I keep saying it's only been X amount of months it's hard to say what will happen if the future, I not holding to many plans yes I may dream. He talks of marriage me as wifey and all sorts. He always did talk I do a little, but the back of my mind holds the memories of how much it hurt last time round to have all my dreams come crashing down around me. I still havn't got over it, yeh i'm with him but those hurtful memories sometimes creep in and I wonder. What's to stop that from happening again?

That's why I refuse to make too many plans like before. I will banter about things but part of me still holds back for fear of being heartbroken again. I can't bare to face it again.
It's getting harder to hold back the more we talk the harder it is for me not to do that. I am trying so hard not to loose the one thing I can control. I think he let his guard down faster than I have, which suprises me. Mine is there wavering between letting go completely but my brain says if you do and you get hurt your in for a world won't be the same again. It would break my soul in two if I let the guard go completely and the worst happened. That lil don't let it go pops into my head and my heart saying just let go. Just let go he loves you and you do him. Why hold onto something from the past. I just don't know what to do. Let my guard go or keep it there.

Well that's all folks!!!!!!!!