Sits singing to the music i previously posted

Today seemed to be a better day. Yesterday night or early this morning Jay was in a car accident he is fine apart from the minor whiplash. That coupled with arguing the day before just took the piss really. I can only take so much before I feel the need to just walk out for a bit, there was almost another argument between Jay and mom in the car this afternoon. I am caught in the middle of it all trying to keep the peace and calmness. It's tiring, mom said I look tired. I do i saw myself in the mirror this morning and thought you look so different from before the summer passed. Back then I looked almost carefree.

Now I look I don't know I look, that sparkle in eyes has faded it there when I think of Carl it's about only time you will now see my old self come out. Is when I speak of Carl he brings my bubbly laughing self out.

I've done a lot of growing up over the years some have even said they have often thought i'm in my 30s in VP. I asked why they thought that, usuall response is because you don't act like a 23 year old. Trying to explain my father passed when I was sixteen, I had to help mom raise my two brothers. I have in the lowest moments of my moms depression taken over running the house as well as housesitting when she travels. Many of my freinds have said you had to grow up fast, you lost the innocence most would still have. By the time I hit 18 in those 2 years I was so different. Yes I do sometimes sit and think I missed out on so much of what people my age would have experienced. Do I ever regret it? No not for one moment have I regretted my lifes path. I would not be the person I am today.

There are moments when I grow tired of being who I am, who doesnt have those moments. Yes I have doubts, I have fears.I have moments where I ask how much more can be thrown at me?
Yes more gets thrown but I continue to roll with it as best I can. Least I don't stop rolling with it. Somehow I find the mentality to keep going even when for a fleeting moment I feel like giving in. Then the courage and strength will come out making me more determined to keep going. Yes i'm exausted but who gives a shit. I don't I gotta keep going.

I worked out since may i've lost two dress sizes tried some old trousers on that fitted in May, they are like clown trousers. Even mom said I find it weird you lost a lot of weight since you left university. Yet you were on the go all the time for 9 months. Yets it's really dropped off since you left. I don't understand it myself. We said it unusual she expected me to go back to comfort eating like before University. Yet now I eat less. I think it's having to deal with alot of stuff the crises with the mortgage and the family being almost at war with mom over the business, traveling and the money Mom's put into the business.

I said today If this doesn't get sorted there will be major family split, I can't face that I think...I just...i've lost to many of my family they are all I have left. The sheer thought of mom and John being on one side and gee, jay and vicks being on the other with me in the middle. It.. it scares the living daylights out of me. It's happening already, Carl can see it so many who know me can see it. I don't want it to happen perminantly. I love my mom and will support her as best, but I love my brothers too and I can see some of their points as well as moms. It reminds me of my Dad with his sisters, never in a million years all those years ago when he passed did I ever think i'd go throught he same thing my father went through with his mom and sisters. He was the peacekeeper between Gina, babette and lesley against chrissy. Like us they detested roy (nans husband). Gina and Dad supported nan as best they could Dad kept the sisters in contact being closer to babs, Gina and Lesley.

It's only tonight did I realise I now truly understand what my father went through, I can see why it made him the man I knew to be my Dad. I wish I could sit down with him and say this -

~Dad i'm going through what you went through please help..I understand now how much it hurt you... I can see why you and your sisters had a close bond..they looked upto you because you were the rock that held them together..Please help i'm going through what you went through and I want to know how you kept going when you thought you couldnt... I love you Dad.. Now I see why you were you~

I'm seeing things through my fathers eyes with each day I seem to become more like my dad.. I looked at myself today all I could see was my fathers face mirroring in the mirror with mine, I could see his eyes. My eyes look so like his now and with the weight loss I'm starting to look more like him with each month. My attitude to life seems to be very similar and the way I deal with things is becoming so similar. I don't understand why it's happening now after 7 years. Maybe the events of the last few years has forced me to look at how my Dad coped with things. Yet I thought I would be more like my mom.. she has been the main driving factor in my life yet, i'm like dad more. I wonder if Mom has noticed that. Guess I'll ask

That's all for now folks....