Another song that feels fitting to me right now
Friday, 28 December 2007
Let's see its saterday
I've decided to try and be strong i'm trying my hardest, I've decided to call Carl again today around six pm my time which will be noon his time. My horoscope which I never read said that things will be hopefully sorted by talking to my love.. so I will try.
I can't keep up with no contact I need a definitive answer are we still together or is this his way of saying we are finished. It's been two weeks and nothing. My heart is truly broken, If I hear his voicemail I cry. That is what happened when I left a voicemail, I let him hear me at my weakest moment. To show how much I care for him regardless of what has and is happening.
Yet when someone mentions him I just feel numb, everyone wants to kick his backside, yet I i'll stand and defend him. I've begged his family (adopted) to stay freinds with him regardless of what happens. It only when i'm alone do I cry hen no one is around because it's the way I have always been.
I just don't understand did I do something wrong? Was I too clingy? Did I give him too much space or not enough? I never questioned him over his absences I just let him be. I thought I was doing everything right, I respected his space, I gave him my support. What more Could I do Most of all I gave him my heart again. I vowed I'd never give my love to him so he could do this again but I did because I always loved him and still do. I thought the feeling was mutual. So many times I gave him the chance to tell me if he didn't want this. He vowed he wouldn't hurt me again and look what he does to me. I'm walking round with tears in my eyes, I want to scream at him or hit him somehow just to show how much he has hurt me.
I just don't know anymore. He talked of marriage, of kids, of meeting with my family, hanging out with my brothers. Hell I even went to support his decision to try join the family business. I only said if when i talked of being with him because of how it ended last time. It's going the same way, my dreams falling through my hands everything I ever hoped for being washed away. I never made plans before for the future but with carl I thought finally I'd found someone that wants me and all my faults. I guess not and thart hurts so much...
I'm 24 and never been married, I have no kids, I have never had a relationship in rl. Guy don't notice me in real, or if they do they don't see past the disabilities. Or they just want a leg over. I don't want that, I want to be with someone, to maybe find the right person and maybe settle down. Maybe have kids, just to be loved for who I am.. No never happens they just ignore me, walk away or don't want to know..
All I know is I never want to be hurt like this again, if I could just go sleep and forget the last six months ever happened. If I could go back and go naa I won't speak to him.
All this has made me ill, I just want to sleep and not move i'm coughina dn sore throat. I just feel exausted. I necver thought i'd get ill so quick over stuff like this. Im usually so strong
but its drained me of everthing I have.. give me some coufgh med n good painkeller oim sorted
I can't keep up with no contact I need a definitive answer are we still together or is this his way of saying we are finished. It's been two weeks and nothing. My heart is truly broken, If I hear his voicemail I cry. That is what happened when I left a voicemail, I let him hear me at my weakest moment. To show how much I care for him regardless of what has and is happening.
Yet when someone mentions him I just feel numb, everyone wants to kick his backside, yet I i'll stand and defend him. I've begged his family (adopted) to stay freinds with him regardless of what happens. It only when i'm alone do I cry hen no one is around because it's the way I have always been.
I just don't understand did I do something wrong? Was I too clingy? Did I give him too much space or not enough? I never questioned him over his absences I just let him be. I thought I was doing everything right, I respected his space, I gave him my support. What more Could I do Most of all I gave him my heart again. I vowed I'd never give my love to him so he could do this again but I did because I always loved him and still do. I thought the feeling was mutual. So many times I gave him the chance to tell me if he didn't want this. He vowed he wouldn't hurt me again and look what he does to me. I'm walking round with tears in my eyes, I want to scream at him or hit him somehow just to show how much he has hurt me.
I just don't know anymore. He talked of marriage, of kids, of meeting with my family, hanging out with my brothers. Hell I even went to support his decision to try join the family business. I only said if when i talked of being with him because of how it ended last time. It's going the same way, my dreams falling through my hands everything I ever hoped for being washed away. I never made plans before for the future but with carl I thought finally I'd found someone that wants me and all my faults. I guess not and thart hurts so much...
I'm 24 and never been married, I have no kids, I have never had a relationship in rl. Guy don't notice me in real, or if they do they don't see past the disabilities. Or they just want a leg over. I don't want that, I want to be with someone, to maybe find the right person and maybe settle down. Maybe have kids, just to be loved for who I am.. No never happens they just ignore me, walk away or don't want to know..
All I know is I never want to be hurt like this again, if I could just go sleep and forget the last six months ever happened. If I could go back and go naa I won't speak to him.
All this has made me ill, I just want to sleep and not move i'm coughina dn sore throat. I just feel exausted. I necver thought i'd get ill so quick over stuff like this. Im usually so strong
but its drained me of everthing I have.. give me some coufgh med n good painkeller oim sorted
well pooey what a day....
I woke up happier thinking today might be a better day for me. I left carl a voicemail letting him know how much his silence affecting me its broken my heart and i couldnt stop crying when i left him a voicemail this morning.
After my short sleep I thought the day woukd be good, so went to draw my money out only to be notified im broke still.
Then went to go buy jeans with my voucher to find i couldnt find a single pair i likjed either too long or didnt have my size.
Then tonight I came out with a bad cough and sore throat. Niceeeee...
Don't really know what else to pyut, I can't really think much.. Just tired and hating this years christmas I thought was going to be my best one so far but it been sad adn lonely one...
That's all folks!!!!!!!!!!
After my short sleep I thought the day woukd be good, so went to draw my money out only to be notified im broke still.
Then went to go buy jeans with my voucher to find i couldnt find a single pair i likjed either too long or didnt have my size.
Then tonight I came out with a bad cough and sore throat. Niceeeee...
Don't really know what else to pyut, I can't really think much.. Just tired and hating this years christmas I thought was going to be my best one so far but it been sad adn lonely one...
That's all folks!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, 27 December 2007
Help me Understand lyrics by Trace adkins
This is to you Carl because I need help understanding why your being like this.......
Once in a lifetime
You'll open up your heart
Maybe once in your lifetime
You'll swear to never be apart
You think your love's on solid ground
Then out of the blue, it all comes tumblin' down
Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light 'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've go
How can love just stop
Tell Me Somebody help me understand
And my picture in your locket
What will you do with it now
All our friends and all our memories
Tell me how we sort them out
What's yours is yours
What's mine is mine
Is that all that's left
After all this time
Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light 'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've go
How can love just stop
Tell Me Somebody help me understand
Help me understand
Why I'm not part of our plan
And you don't need me anymore
Help me understand
Why I still wanna be where you are
Even though I know in my heart
You don't love me anymore
Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light 'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've go
How can love just stop
Tell Me Somebody help me understand
Once in a lifetime
You'll open up your heart
Maybe once in your lifetime
You'll swear to never be apart
You think your love's on solid ground
Then out of the blue, it all comes tumblin' down
Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light 'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've go
How can love just stop
Tell Me Somebody help me understand
And my picture in your locket
What will you do with it now
All our friends and all our memories
Tell me how we sort them out
What's yours is yours
What's mine is mine
Is that all that's left
After all this time
Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light 'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've go
How can love just stop
Tell Me Somebody help me understand
Help me understand
Why I'm not part of our plan
And you don't need me anymore
Help me understand
Why I still wanna be where you are
Even though I know in my heart
You don't love me anymore
Who's gonna hold me tonight
When I'm feeling lonely
Who's gonna show me the light 'Cause I need to know
With all the things we've go
How can love just stop
Tell Me Somebody help me understand
Tuesday, 25 December 2007
I've tried writing three blogs and deleated them all
Fourth time Lucky I guess.
Christmas has been and gone, another day of waiting for some news with none. I got a new coat, pair of gloves and two dvds. Mom and bro seemed happy with their presents. We sat around in Jays room hanging about chatting and all went to catch up on some sleep.
Boxing day which means I may try go shopping for a pair of trousers as need something to wear if I can find anything. Let's see people bashing me, rudeness wonders if people will still feel festive and have manners.
I'm still having troubles sleeping, can't stop thinking over Carl. I'm worried about him. He may be acting silly but doesn't stop me worrying. In turn because of it everyones worrying over me, I guess I've changed so much in last 2 weeks. Everyones been watching me and noticed such a huge difference in how I usually am. I don't mean to worry everyone, guess people are scared i'm going to make myself sick with lack of sleep or worry over carl.
The nightmares I have are not funny some are of me being heartbroken, others are of me being ill through not sleeping. Others are of me walking into grey mist and crying over carl not speaking to me. The worst ones are the ones in where I am crying
making my throat sore when I wake up I guess when I sleep i've been crying and talking in my seleep.. If don't think about it during the day it gets worse in my sleep. Today was a good day, I didn't think about him.
To be honest it feels like he is testing me or something, either that or my instict over he maybe suddenly changed his mind are right. If think about it I start loosing my voice where i'm fighting to keep from letting it get to me. It just saddens me that i'm being hurt like this. Hell even one of his sisters tried ringing him today to try find out whats wrong with him. So many say I don't deserve this, hey i've been through alot worse. This isn't as bad. Yeh my heart may be in the process of being broken.. I'll get over it I somehow will. I learnt my lessons and was a painful one. Don't bleive in promises. They are made to be broken.
Guess I'd better stop before I say something else worse that I will regret and kick myself for it.
That's all folks
Christmas has been and gone, another day of waiting for some news with none. I got a new coat, pair of gloves and two dvds. Mom and bro seemed happy with their presents. We sat around in Jays room hanging about chatting and all went to catch up on some sleep.
Boxing day which means I may try go shopping for a pair of trousers as need something to wear if I can find anything. Let's see people bashing me, rudeness wonders if people will still feel festive and have manners.
I'm still having troubles sleeping, can't stop thinking over Carl. I'm worried about him. He may be acting silly but doesn't stop me worrying. In turn because of it everyones worrying over me, I guess I've changed so much in last 2 weeks. Everyones been watching me and noticed such a huge difference in how I usually am. I don't mean to worry everyone, guess people are scared i'm going to make myself sick with lack of sleep or worry over carl.
The nightmares I have are not funny some are of me being heartbroken, others are of me being ill through not sleeping. Others are of me walking into grey mist and crying over carl not speaking to me. The worst ones are the ones in where I am crying
making my throat sore when I wake up I guess when I sleep i've been crying and talking in my seleep.. If don't think about it during the day it gets worse in my sleep. Today was a good day, I didn't think about him.
To be honest it feels like he is testing me or something, either that or my instict over he maybe suddenly changed his mind are right. If think about it I start loosing my voice where i'm fighting to keep from letting it get to me. It just saddens me that i'm being hurt like this. Hell even one of his sisters tried ringing him today to try find out whats wrong with him. So many say I don't deserve this, hey i've been through alot worse. This isn't as bad. Yeh my heart may be in the process of being broken.. I'll get over it I somehow will. I learnt my lessons and was a painful one. Don't bleive in promises. They are made to be broken.
Guess I'd better stop before I say something else worse that I will regret and kick myself for it.
That's all folks
Monday, 24 December 2007
Merry Christmas
Did santa fall down the chimney and fart rather loudly because I could've sworn I heard an odd noise.
His reindeer seem to be rather noisy always parping and pooping while directing eachother. I'm suprised we don't find poop on our cars in the morning.
Gawd knows he must have a lot of birds land in his sleigh wondering what they are getting for their presents. Must be a life of joy for santa, gawd and we sit up and count christmas in. Hell ya think he would say sod the milk and cookies give me a shot of tequila lime and salt. And One huge pizza or burger hehe.
I often wonder if seing all those birds make him feel a bit oh I don't know dizzy pooor guy must get tad hot under the collar creeping through houses with couples upto no good and pondering on weather to sneak a peak or leave some coal.
Ah such is the life of santa tainted with innocence and sweetness nonsense to that I say he is just like you and me.
LOL
Thats all folks!!!!!!
His reindeer seem to be rather noisy always parping and pooping while directing eachother. I'm suprised we don't find poop on our cars in the morning.
Gawd knows he must have a lot of birds land in his sleigh wondering what they are getting for their presents. Must be a life of joy for santa, gawd and we sit up and count christmas in. Hell ya think he would say sod the milk and cookies give me a shot of tequila lime and salt. And One huge pizza or burger hehe.
I often wonder if seing all those birds make him feel a bit oh I don't know dizzy pooor guy must get tad hot under the collar creeping through houses with couples upto no good and pondering on weather to sneak a peak or leave some coal.
Ah such is the life of santa tainted with innocence and sweetness nonsense to that I say he is just like you and me.
LOL
Thats all folks!!!!!!
Saturday, 22 December 2007
well its the 23rd of dec
2 more days till Christmas.
Wows and what a speedy week, I haven't even wrapped the presents up yet.
Today has been a weird one for me I woke up after 6 hours sleep last night stayed awake for a few hours and then slept some more. I was emotionally tired I cried four hours straight over Carl after hearing some news. It left me in serious doubts of even trusting him again, I've decided to give him the benefit of my doubt. Because I know he is struggling in real now and hoping it was a serious brain fart on his behalf.
Never thought in a day I could have such upheaval in my emotions which I normally keep in check and let nothing phase me. Not today thought I've cried more in one day than in past year alone scary as heck and all over Carl ugh.
I finally after constant calls and texts since he uses a website daily, I've decided to email him asking what is going on and why he won't talk to me. Many who know him and me are shocked and angered by his behavior toward me especially I'm lost and confused myself. Last time we spoke everything was fine no signs of any untoward behavior or change in his attitude.
I know if he continues his behaviour he will loose some great friendships. Most of them my close Friends too and they've known him alot longer than me. I don't want him loosing the friends he has, I love him and wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'm praying he responds back it gonna be hurtful trying to explain that even my last option gained no response. Then I'm dreading the outcome of that one if it comes to that.
That's all i guess
Wows and what a speedy week, I haven't even wrapped the presents up yet.
Today has been a weird one for me I woke up after 6 hours sleep last night stayed awake for a few hours and then slept some more. I was emotionally tired I cried four hours straight over Carl after hearing some news. It left me in serious doubts of even trusting him again, I've decided to give him the benefit of my doubt. Because I know he is struggling in real now and hoping it was a serious brain fart on his behalf.
Never thought in a day I could have such upheaval in my emotions which I normally keep in check and let nothing phase me. Not today thought I've cried more in one day than in past year alone scary as heck and all over Carl ugh.
I finally after constant calls and texts since he uses a website daily, I've decided to email him asking what is going on and why he won't talk to me. Many who know him and me are shocked and angered by his behavior toward me especially I'm lost and confused myself. Last time we spoke everything was fine no signs of any untoward behavior or change in his attitude.
I know if he continues his behaviour he will loose some great friendships. Most of them my close Friends too and they've known him alot longer than me. I don't want him loosing the friends he has, I love him and wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'm praying he responds back it gonna be hurtful trying to explain that even my last option gained no response. Then I'm dreading the outcome of that one if it comes to that.
That's all i guess
Thursday, 20 December 2007
Finally got access to this thing again
Lets see after several attempts at getting this back i finally managed to get access again..
I've moved and hah some year it's been...
Christmas is coming up so soon...
I've been thinking of the past year it's been a chaotic year, one which i wouldn't wish to do again.
Mom and john have been so on and off it's unbelievable and i can't spell tonight. They broke up tonight over religious problems not going into it but I'm suprised it taken that long for it to crop up.
I'm the same as I've always been recently had my 24th birthday and it made me think alot as well, I think it's that time of year.
I'm fighting the odds in real to try keep everything on an even keel for my mom. Being the strong one sure does suck right now. I'm grateful for my online family and freinds to make me laugh and let me vent. But the one person I really need can't be reached. Me alongside of others are shcked. no biggie I knew it would happen. he got stuff to sdo so he can deal with it.
I've moved and hah some year it's been...
Christmas is coming up so soon...
I've been thinking of the past year it's been a chaotic year, one which i wouldn't wish to do again.
Mom and john have been so on and off it's unbelievable and i can't spell tonight. They broke up tonight over religious problems not going into it but I'm suprised it taken that long for it to crop up.
I'm the same as I've always been recently had my 24th birthday and it made me think alot as well, I think it's that time of year.
I'm fighting the odds in real to try keep everything on an even keel for my mom. Being the strong one sure does suck right now. I'm grateful for my online family and freinds to make me laugh and let me vent. But the one person I really need can't be reached. Me alongside of others are shcked. no biggie I knew it would happen. he got stuff to sdo so he can deal with it.
Sunday, 11 November 2007
Today another day of packing..
Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (The garage I guess)
My old man's throwed out everything I own. (Not that I had much anyway)
He meant what he said When he wished I was dead. (I already feel dead)
So Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (the car maybe)
I knew our road was gettin' kinda rocky. (gotta love those rocky times)
He said I was gettin' way too cocky. (well with him I got to put him in his place)
He waited 'til I was gone. (so he could have the house to himself)
He packed from dusk 'til dawn. (couldn't get rid of me fast enough eh)
So Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (the beach but i might get too wet)
Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (gawd knows a cardboard box)
My old man's throwed out everything I own. (well he has kept most of it to himself gee whizz)
He meant what he said When he wished I was dead. (I told ya once I feel dead from working butt of)
So Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (stop asking I don't know)
He decided he would keep my cat. (good I hated that cat anyway)
My transportation, I wouldn't be a needin' that. (never used it as walked everywhere)
He kept my TV. (yeh lazy sod can watch sports now)
The bills he gave to me. (so he could live like a king gee thanks honey)
So Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (the football field)
Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (the marshes maybe but might be too cold)
My old man's throwed out everything I own. (hehe less for me to take with me anyway)
He meant what she said When he wished I was dead. (gee how many times did he wish I was dead)
So Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (I don't know)
Where'm I gonna live when I get home? (the zoo maybe)
Where'm I gonna live when I get home? (the pick up truck instead but he took it away)
Where'm I gonna live Where'm I gonna live
Where'm I gonna live when I get home? (i'd rather live in my home though)
My old man's throwed out everything I own. (Not that I had much anyway)
He meant what he said When he wished I was dead. (I already feel dead)
So Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (the car maybe)
I knew our road was gettin' kinda rocky. (gotta love those rocky times)
He said I was gettin' way too cocky. (well with him I got to put him in his place)
He waited 'til I was gone. (so he could have the house to himself)
He packed from dusk 'til dawn. (couldn't get rid of me fast enough eh)
So Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (the beach but i might get too wet)
Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (gawd knows a cardboard box)
My old man's throwed out everything I own. (well he has kept most of it to himself gee whizz)
He meant what he said When he wished I was dead. (I told ya once I feel dead from working butt of)
So Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (stop asking I don't know)
He decided he would keep my cat. (good I hated that cat anyway)
My transportation, I wouldn't be a needin' that. (never used it as walked everywhere)
He kept my TV. (yeh lazy sod can watch sports now)
The bills he gave to me. (so he could live like a king gee thanks honey)
So Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (the football field)
Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (the marshes maybe but might be too cold)
My old man's throwed out everything I own. (hehe less for me to take with me anyway)
He meant what she said When he wished I was dead. (gee how many times did he wish I was dead)
So Where'm I gonna live When I get home? (I don't know)
Where'm I gonna live when I get home? (the zoo maybe)
Where'm I gonna live when I get home? (the pick up truck instead but he took it away)
Where'm I gonna live Where'm I gonna live
Where'm I gonna live when I get home? (i'd rather live in my home though)
Saturday, 10 November 2007
I hate moving LOL
I have been on the go solidly past few days packing stuff and throwing stuff out..
I've had moments where i've felt like going on strike, purely from where i've ached in places I never knew I could ache. But we are getting there slowly, it's the wrapping and boxing that seems to be taking the longest. Tomorrow I throw out my old bedstand I said i'd sleep on the floor on the better mattress, its one thing less to throw when we move up north. I also root through the kitchen cupboards to see what we need and don't need. It means more boxing and more throwing out. We have a 2nd skip coming on monday i'm predicting to be honest in all we will need another skip after this one.
Yesterday after many years of promising, my mom showed me a picture of my twin sister. It is the only one she ever had of her. I didn't know what to think or feel, my mom always promised me when she felt I was ready she would show me what she looked like. It was a moment of deep thought part of me always wondered what she looked like. I was happy and sort of sad at the same time. Gee looked like Julia as a baby, was like looking at a double. I'm sad my sister never experienced the joy of life, but I know she passed so I could live we were always told I had the spirit and determination of two people not one, I guess she gave me her strength to keep fighting all these years. I'm still in deep thought about it all, I wish I could share that with Carl. I don't know if he remembers me ever saying I had a twin. It hasn't upset me seeing my twin Juila but I don't know what to think or feel about finally being showed. She looked perfect, I can still picture her black hair on her head.
In three days time it would also have been my parents 31st anniversary, and moving from this house means last remaining memory of any ties to Dad are gone. I'm feeling a little sad on that.
Someone is talking about me tonight I have hot ears, laughs oh well.
Also spoke to Carl last night for thirty minutes he sounded so happy to hear from me, he text me and perked right up when he heard my voice. He was being super mushy on phone last night and yahoo too before that. Really suprised with him lately. He had call while on phone to me and instead of turning off volume to me he left it running, sat chatting away and then eplained the convo to me once hung up. Was sat going why does he do that it's a first for me. After he said shall I tell them i'm busy at work so I can carry on talking to you, I really don't want to pick them up. He was asking me what to do, I went honey you pick them up as you'll feel guilty if you don't he said yeh that true...promised he'd text when he finished but never did. Mind you I was asleep within minutes of getting off the phone. Guess he knew I was tired
well that's all folks!!!!!!!!!!!
I've had moments where i've felt like going on strike, purely from where i've ached in places I never knew I could ache. But we are getting there slowly, it's the wrapping and boxing that seems to be taking the longest. Tomorrow I throw out my old bedstand I said i'd sleep on the floor on the better mattress, its one thing less to throw when we move up north. I also root through the kitchen cupboards to see what we need and don't need. It means more boxing and more throwing out. We have a 2nd skip coming on monday i'm predicting to be honest in all we will need another skip after this one.
Yesterday after many years of promising, my mom showed me a picture of my twin sister. It is the only one she ever had of her. I didn't know what to think or feel, my mom always promised me when she felt I was ready she would show me what she looked like. It was a moment of deep thought part of me always wondered what she looked like. I was happy and sort of sad at the same time. Gee looked like Julia as a baby, was like looking at a double. I'm sad my sister never experienced the joy of life, but I know she passed so I could live we were always told I had the spirit and determination of two people not one, I guess she gave me her strength to keep fighting all these years. I'm still in deep thought about it all, I wish I could share that with Carl. I don't know if he remembers me ever saying I had a twin. It hasn't upset me seeing my twin Juila but I don't know what to think or feel about finally being showed. She looked perfect, I can still picture her black hair on her head.
In three days time it would also have been my parents 31st anniversary, and moving from this house means last remaining memory of any ties to Dad are gone. I'm feeling a little sad on that.
Someone is talking about me tonight I have hot ears, laughs oh well.
Also spoke to Carl last night for thirty minutes he sounded so happy to hear from me, he text me and perked right up when he heard my voice. He was being super mushy on phone last night and yahoo too before that. Really suprised with him lately. He had call while on phone to me and instead of turning off volume to me he left it running, sat chatting away and then eplained the convo to me once hung up. Was sat going why does he do that it's a first for me. After he said shall I tell them i'm busy at work so I can carry on talking to you, I really don't want to pick them up. He was asking me what to do, I went honey you pick them up as you'll feel guilty if you don't he said yeh that true...promised he'd text when he finished but never did. Mind you I was asleep within minutes of getting off the phone. Guess he knew I was tired
well that's all folks!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, 1 November 2007
Today is the 1st November weird one
Today is the first of november wow this year has gone past so quick...
We got offered two places mom accepted the cottage, not 100% sure when we start the move. I'm nervous but excited.
I don't really want to write t his blog i'm tired and in a sad mood. Mom and dad anniversary coming up. I miss Carl beyond beleif, I can't even call him, he never comes online anymore sighs unhappily. I feel like i'm single even though i'm not......
Thats all folks
We got offered two places mom accepted the cottage, not 100% sure when we start the move. I'm nervous but excited.
I don't really want to write t his blog i'm tired and in a sad mood. Mom and dad anniversary coming up. I miss Carl beyond beleif, I can't even call him, he never comes online anymore sighs unhappily. I feel like i'm single even though i'm not......
Thats all folks
Tuesday, 30 October 2007
Let's see
Well after four days of house hunting I got home a day later than I should have was due home Saturday but extended by a day. So I came home Sunday instead.
Took us 7 hours almost to get back we had bad winds and torrential rain, really it's normally between four to five hour journey depending on traffic. We had twenty mile tailbacks on the motorway through from cambridgeshire right through to Stanstead in Essex. I got soaked in the process the car has a tendency to overheat in awful weather, it starts to make the heating in the car go really hot. So there is me sat in the back of the car with just my warmer and freezing my poor socks off cold and wet. Was only option and the rain all hit me. Ment we got home safe and sound so that's all that matters.
We viewed a beautiful cottage in Winterton a village about 5-6 miles from Brigg. I fell in love with it, had 2 open fires on in the lounge and one in the kitchen. Central heating, all the walls were stone work. Including the floored tiling which was quarry tiles. Soo expensive to buy but beautiful. Had 2 bedrooms one large one and one smaller one. I called dibs on the smaller one if we got it. Plus had shower room so no bath, i'll admit nice because easier to clean but i'd miss my baths. Had a little courtyard I was over the moon because would mean no gardening, just sweep and power wash.
Mom received a call yesterday telling her they will let us know today oh god i'm praying like mad we get it.
Today she also received a call about a 3 bedroomed house in scunthorpe for rent, owner said she can view tomorrow so i'm housesitting I think. I don't want to sit in a car all day again. They said if she takes deposit up with her it will be ours on the spot and we can move in as soon as monday. I was like holy crap that soon, so either way we garenteed a house.. This one the 3 bedroomed one would be more ideal as means mom and john would have a room for when get back from Jordan trips. Which is better than sleeping on the couch till we find a bigger place or booting jay or me out of a room. I hope she takes pictures. I'm still hoping on the cottage as love it so much but if no it will be the house. All I know is it's in a cul de sac so it will be quieter. But it's in scunthorpe so means it's bang smack in the middle of town, nice for shopping and what not. I'm not a town girl, i've lived in country side and open fields for so long I'm not sure I could adjust to noise. That's why I loved the cottage even though it's in a village the area up road just had open views across the fields and 3 pubs and 2 shops and a fish and chip shop. Plus it was a village lol can't you tell i don't want to live in a town.
Minute I know I will post the news either way....
That's all for now folks
Took us 7 hours almost to get back we had bad winds and torrential rain, really it's normally between four to five hour journey depending on traffic. We had twenty mile tailbacks on the motorway through from cambridgeshire right through to Stanstead in Essex. I got soaked in the process the car has a tendency to overheat in awful weather, it starts to make the heating in the car go really hot. So there is me sat in the back of the car with just my warmer and freezing my poor socks off cold and wet. Was only option and the rain all hit me. Ment we got home safe and sound so that's all that matters.
We viewed a beautiful cottage in Winterton a village about 5-6 miles from Brigg. I fell in love with it, had 2 open fires on in the lounge and one in the kitchen. Central heating, all the walls were stone work. Including the floored tiling which was quarry tiles. Soo expensive to buy but beautiful. Had 2 bedrooms one large one and one smaller one. I called dibs on the smaller one if we got it. Plus had shower room so no bath, i'll admit nice because easier to clean but i'd miss my baths. Had a little courtyard I was over the moon because would mean no gardening, just sweep and power wash.
Mom received a call yesterday telling her they will let us know today oh god i'm praying like mad we get it.
Today she also received a call about a 3 bedroomed house in scunthorpe for rent, owner said she can view tomorrow so i'm housesitting I think. I don't want to sit in a car all day again. They said if she takes deposit up with her it will be ours on the spot and we can move in as soon as monday. I was like holy crap that soon, so either way we garenteed a house.. This one the 3 bedroomed one would be more ideal as means mom and john would have a room for when get back from Jordan trips. Which is better than sleeping on the couch till we find a bigger place or booting jay or me out of a room. I hope she takes pictures. I'm still hoping on the cottage as love it so much but if no it will be the house. All I know is it's in a cul de sac so it will be quieter. But it's in scunthorpe so means it's bang smack in the middle of town, nice for shopping and what not. I'm not a town girl, i've lived in country side and open fields for so long I'm not sure I could adjust to noise. That's why I loved the cottage even though it's in a village the area up road just had open views across the fields and 3 pubs and 2 shops and a fish and chip shop. Plus it was a village lol can't you tell i don't want to live in a town.
Minute I know I will post the news either way....
That's all for now folks
Tuesday, 23 October 2007
Another day of arguments
As usuall Mom and youngest brother decided to have a go at eachother again. Per normal I had to play peacekeeper, both of them tried aiming their fustrations at me. Jay heard me walk down the stairs and walked out. Not sure how much longer I can stand this tension. No one is barely talking, Mom is sat saying I can't do this anymore. Do what exactly? She been home a week and contemplating running away. Already. That never solves anything, it will escalate untill she comes home again. I learnt I am the opposite to my sign, I always had the impression I should be argumentitive. However last night I learnt why I run from arguments. It was so true
I do not like power games, nor do I like arguments. Which is whats going on at the moment. However if backed into a corner you'll face a whole new me which is so true. I only argue when I have nowhere left to back to. So if I'm in a corner and nowhere to turn my back from arguing i'll fight.
I love my family very much, but this fighting and arguing is getting to me. It may not look like it. I may not show it, but it is there. My honey knew he asked what they were fighting about. hen I told him he said oh Lord. He knows the best thing is to keep my mind off it.
Talk about anything but what is going on or I will get angry and he knows as I've said that I do not want to go to that place. Carl knows to keep me from putting my wall up that humour helps. It truly does, But today it took a long time to get past the fact they were arguing again. I wanted Carl here by my sidem just so I could bury self into arms and forget about it. For some unknown reason, I tried eating with mom and brother. I couldn't sit in the same room all I could feel was the tension and I had to go back upstairs. Once I did I felt spaced out almost like it drained all my energy feeling the tension. You know seems like i'm giving up the fight to keep peace i'm trying and trying, then when it get directed at me I walk away... is that a good thing should I just let them get on with it. Yes I felt bad I said leave it alone, i'm not here to listen to you argue. I walked out and said I would be back in a bit.
As Carl said it's not your fight to be stressed over.. I agree but i'm stressed listening to their petty arguing. I wish they would all grow the fuck up and act like adults. That's a week solid now.
One good thing about the day spoke to Carl on yahoo for uhmns 7 hours straight. If he hadn't of kept my mind occupied, We have been making plans all day smiles happily, can't wait to see them come along one day.
And along with that I never do this I havn't done this in years i sat and talked to thin air, asking my dad to get the arguments to stop. Most would say praying but I was just talking to my dad. I have to admit I felt better after i'm now listening to Josh turner he soothing me at moment.
I do not like power games, nor do I like arguments. Which is whats going on at the moment. However if backed into a corner you'll face a whole new me which is so true. I only argue when I have nowhere left to back to. So if I'm in a corner and nowhere to turn my back from arguing i'll fight.
I love my family very much, but this fighting and arguing is getting to me. It may not look like it. I may not show it, but it is there. My honey knew he asked what they were fighting about. hen I told him he said oh Lord. He knows the best thing is to keep my mind off it.
Talk about anything but what is going on or I will get angry and he knows as I've said that I do not want to go to that place. Carl knows to keep me from putting my wall up that humour helps. It truly does, But today it took a long time to get past the fact they were arguing again. I wanted Carl here by my sidem just so I could bury self into arms and forget about it. For some unknown reason, I tried eating with mom and brother. I couldn't sit in the same room all I could feel was the tension and I had to go back upstairs. Once I did I felt spaced out almost like it drained all my energy feeling the tension. You know seems like i'm giving up the fight to keep peace i'm trying and trying, then when it get directed at me I walk away... is that a good thing should I just let them get on with it. Yes I felt bad I said leave it alone, i'm not here to listen to you argue. I walked out and said I would be back in a bit.
As Carl said it's not your fight to be stressed over.. I agree but i'm stressed listening to their petty arguing. I wish they would all grow the fuck up and act like adults. That's a week solid now.
One good thing about the day spoke to Carl on yahoo for uhmns 7 hours straight. If he hadn't of kept my mind occupied, We have been making plans all day smiles happily, can't wait to see them come along one day.
And along with that I never do this I havn't done this in years i sat and talked to thin air, asking my dad to get the arguments to stop. Most would say praying but I was just talking to my dad. I have to admit I felt better after i'm now listening to Josh turner he soothing me at moment.
Saturday, 20 October 2007
Sits singing to the music i previously posted
Today seemed to be a better day. Yesterday night or early this morning Jay was in a car accident he is fine apart from the minor whiplash. That coupled with arguing the day before just took the piss really. I can only take so much before I feel the need to just walk out for a bit, there was almost another argument between Jay and mom in the car this afternoon. I am caught in the middle of it all trying to keep the peace and calmness. It's tiring, mom said I look tired. I do i saw myself in the mirror this morning and thought you look so different from before the summer passed. Back then I looked almost carefree.
Now I look I don't know I look, that sparkle in eyes has faded it there when I think of Carl it's about only time you will now see my old self come out. Is when I speak of Carl he brings my bubbly laughing self out.
I've done a lot of growing up over the years some have even said they have often thought i'm in my 30s in VP. I asked why they thought that, usuall response is because you don't act like a 23 year old. Trying to explain my father passed when I was sixteen, I had to help mom raise my two brothers. I have in the lowest moments of my moms depression taken over running the house as well as housesitting when she travels. Many of my freinds have said you had to grow up fast, you lost the innocence most would still have. By the time I hit 18 in those 2 years I was so different. Yes I do sometimes sit and think I missed out on so much of what people my age would have experienced. Do I ever regret it? No not for one moment have I regretted my lifes path. I would not be the person I am today.
There are moments when I grow tired of being who I am, who doesnt have those moments. Yes I have doubts, I have fears.I have moments where I ask how much more can be thrown at me?
Yes more gets thrown but I continue to roll with it as best I can. Least I don't stop rolling with it. Somehow I find the mentality to keep going even when for a fleeting moment I feel like giving in. Then the courage and strength will come out making me more determined to keep going. Yes i'm exausted but who gives a shit. I don't I gotta keep going.
I worked out since may i've lost two dress sizes tried some old trousers on that fitted in May, they are like clown trousers. Even mom said I find it weird you lost a lot of weight since you left university. Yet you were on the go all the time for 9 months. Yets it's really dropped off since you left. I don't understand it myself. We said it unusual she expected me to go back to comfort eating like before University. Yet now I eat less. I think it's having to deal with alot of stuff the crises with the mortgage and the family being almost at war with mom over the business, traveling and the money Mom's put into the business.
I said today If this doesn't get sorted there will be major family split, I can't face that I think...I just...i've lost to many of my family they are all I have left. The sheer thought of mom and John being on one side and gee, jay and vicks being on the other with me in the middle. It.. it scares the living daylights out of me. It's happening already, Carl can see it so many who know me can see it. I don't want it to happen perminantly. I love my mom and will support her as best, but I love my brothers too and I can see some of their points as well as moms. It reminds me of my Dad with his sisters, never in a million years all those years ago when he passed did I ever think i'd go throught he same thing my father went through with his mom and sisters. He was the peacekeeper between Gina, babette and lesley against chrissy. Like us they detested roy (nans husband). Gina and Dad supported nan as best they could Dad kept the sisters in contact being closer to babs, Gina and Lesley.
It's only tonight did I realise I now truly understand what my father went through, I can see why it made him the man I knew to be my Dad. I wish I could sit down with him and say this -
~Dad i'm going through what you went through please help..I understand now how much it hurt you... I can see why you and your sisters had a close bond..they looked upto you because you were the rock that held them together..Please help i'm going through what you went through and I want to know how you kept going when you thought you couldnt... I love you Dad.. Now I see why you were you~
I'm seeing things through my fathers eyes with each day I seem to become more like my dad.. I looked at myself today all I could see was my fathers face mirroring in the mirror with mine, I could see his eyes. My eyes look so like his now and with the weight loss I'm starting to look more like him with each month. My attitude to life seems to be very similar and the way I deal with things is becoming so similar. I don't understand why it's happening now after 7 years. Maybe the events of the last few years has forced me to look at how my Dad coped with things. Yet I thought I would be more like my mom.. she has been the main driving factor in my life yet, i'm like dad more. I wonder if Mom has noticed that. Guess I'll ask
That's all for now folks....
Now I look I don't know I look, that sparkle in eyes has faded it there when I think of Carl it's about only time you will now see my old self come out. Is when I speak of Carl he brings my bubbly laughing self out.
I've done a lot of growing up over the years some have even said they have often thought i'm in my 30s in VP. I asked why they thought that, usuall response is because you don't act like a 23 year old. Trying to explain my father passed when I was sixteen, I had to help mom raise my two brothers. I have in the lowest moments of my moms depression taken over running the house as well as housesitting when she travels. Many of my freinds have said you had to grow up fast, you lost the innocence most would still have. By the time I hit 18 in those 2 years I was so different. Yes I do sometimes sit and think I missed out on so much of what people my age would have experienced. Do I ever regret it? No not for one moment have I regretted my lifes path. I would not be the person I am today.
There are moments when I grow tired of being who I am, who doesnt have those moments. Yes I have doubts, I have fears.I have moments where I ask how much more can be thrown at me?
Yes more gets thrown but I continue to roll with it as best I can. Least I don't stop rolling with it. Somehow I find the mentality to keep going even when for a fleeting moment I feel like giving in. Then the courage and strength will come out making me more determined to keep going. Yes i'm exausted but who gives a shit. I don't I gotta keep going.
I worked out since may i've lost two dress sizes tried some old trousers on that fitted in May, they are like clown trousers. Even mom said I find it weird you lost a lot of weight since you left university. Yet you were on the go all the time for 9 months. Yets it's really dropped off since you left. I don't understand it myself. We said it unusual she expected me to go back to comfort eating like before University. Yet now I eat less. I think it's having to deal with alot of stuff the crises with the mortgage and the family being almost at war with mom over the business, traveling and the money Mom's put into the business.
I said today If this doesn't get sorted there will be major family split, I can't face that I think...I just...i've lost to many of my family they are all I have left. The sheer thought of mom and John being on one side and gee, jay and vicks being on the other with me in the middle. It.. it scares the living daylights out of me. It's happening already, Carl can see it so many who know me can see it. I don't want it to happen perminantly. I love my mom and will support her as best, but I love my brothers too and I can see some of their points as well as moms. It reminds me of my Dad with his sisters, never in a million years all those years ago when he passed did I ever think i'd go throught he same thing my father went through with his mom and sisters. He was the peacekeeper between Gina, babette and lesley against chrissy. Like us they detested roy (nans husband). Gina and Dad supported nan as best they could Dad kept the sisters in contact being closer to babs, Gina and Lesley.
It's only tonight did I realise I now truly understand what my father went through, I can see why it made him the man I knew to be my Dad. I wish I could sit down with him and say this -
~Dad i'm going through what you went through please help..I understand now how much it hurt you... I can see why you and your sisters had a close bond..they looked upto you because you were the rock that held them together..Please help i'm going through what you went through and I want to know how you kept going when you thought you couldnt... I love you Dad.. Now I see why you were you~
I'm seeing things through my fathers eyes with each day I seem to become more like my dad.. I looked at myself today all I could see was my fathers face mirroring in the mirror with mine, I could see his eyes. My eyes look so like his now and with the weight loss I'm starting to look more like him with each month. My attitude to life seems to be very similar and the way I deal with things is becoming so similar. I don't understand why it's happening now after 7 years. Maybe the events of the last few years has forced me to look at how my Dad coped with things. Yet I thought I would be more like my mom.. she has been the main driving factor in my life yet, i'm like dad more. I wonder if Mom has noticed that. Guess I'll ask
That's all for now folks....
Thursday, 18 October 2007
well today it all caught up with me
The sheer exaustion of the past month odd caught up with me i slept all day. I was fighting at noon to stay awake I had been awake 24 hours, normally I can go alot longer but I was so tired I was dropping off in the armchair. I guess it was relief that it was finally over. All I got from mom was well now you know how I feel. No offense I've house sat many a time yes it's tiring but this time round it was tiring and a tad stressful. Alot happened this time compared to others. I don't appreciate getting told now you know how I feel. You know what sucks the most. I havn't even had a thank you for my efforts, no mention of how tidy the house is. It's spotless.
I spoke to carl last night. He helped hugely he could tell I was exausted to point where I couldn't even think, he let me call alot earlier than normal. He knew all I could think about was trying to keep the peace between everyone. Said my voice said it all, he kept telling me to just go to sleep, just close your eyes and drift off. He sounded so worried i've never heard him sound worried when he spoke softly I almost burst out crying. I don't do crying.. something I do in private but with him I was on verge of just letting go he said just let it out if need to cry just cry on phone i'm gonna listen... told me somethings to say. Said if argued just yell shut the fuck up go to corners and calm down or shout at them shut the fuck up and walk out.
I said I can't do that, i'll loose my cool it will be worst thing I can do. Remember I am one who likes to keep temper in check I knew if yelled it would just come out. Got told if that what it takes just vent it at them let the fustration out. I think he just wanted to get me to let it out he trying to teach me not to keep it in to point where it exausts me trying to keep things in check.
I didn't tell him the reason I control my temper and fustrations. I'm like my dad I don't like to show my emotions when I am tired or angry. In my early teens I had a foul temper that would come out once a month. It took a long time for me to control it to point where I rarely loose my cool or show my anger. Yeh I might get pissy but I havnt shouted or screamed at anyone properly in over four years. I don't want to loose my cool. I pride the ability to keep calm towards my family when things hit the fan. Yes it's at a detriment to my emotions at the time. I guess Carl trying to teach me to let it out. He wants to make sure I don't keep using the block i use with my emotions, the one I often talk about. He knows me too well it scary.
I was trying to avoid letting him know my true feelings about the argument, everytime I tried to block him off within seconds he was past the wall, how does he do it. It's almost as if he sees me trying to put the wall up and just knocks it down like it's paper. How, he works past it so fast he makes me talk about what's really bothering me. I got so exausted on the phone trying not to think to point where he said I sounded like I was passing out from tiredness. I gave up in end, I was too tired to keep trying to put the wall up. He knew it when he knew i'd stopped trying he then talked me through some stuff. I fought so damn hard I didn't want to let him close to point where he knew exact thoughts. That scared me it scared me letting him know how i really felt, I just let it out when I did I relaxed to point of passing out. It was sheer relief, was almost as if I felt so safe. That nothing would hurt me.
I let go and that was hardest thing for me to do, I let it go I gave up the wall with him and stopped fighting and he didn't run...
He knew i'd fight to keep him away on that he knew. How?
I Love him so much for him to break the barrier that i'd been fighting for so damn long to hold up to shield him from the side no one sees. I call it the weak part of me because it the side where I am confused and it's part of me where I need someone to be there to give me strength to keep going when i'm tired. Takes some doing to get past it alot of people can't even scratch the surface.
That's all folks
I spoke to carl last night. He helped hugely he could tell I was exausted to point where I couldn't even think, he let me call alot earlier than normal. He knew all I could think about was trying to keep the peace between everyone. Said my voice said it all, he kept telling me to just go to sleep, just close your eyes and drift off. He sounded so worried i've never heard him sound worried when he spoke softly I almost burst out crying. I don't do crying.. something I do in private but with him I was on verge of just letting go he said just let it out if need to cry just cry on phone i'm gonna listen... told me somethings to say. Said if argued just yell shut the fuck up go to corners and calm down or shout at them shut the fuck up and walk out.
I said I can't do that, i'll loose my cool it will be worst thing I can do. Remember I am one who likes to keep temper in check I knew if yelled it would just come out. Got told if that what it takes just vent it at them let the fustration out. I think he just wanted to get me to let it out he trying to teach me not to keep it in to point where it exausts me trying to keep things in check.
I didn't tell him the reason I control my temper and fustrations. I'm like my dad I don't like to show my emotions when I am tired or angry. In my early teens I had a foul temper that would come out once a month. It took a long time for me to control it to point where I rarely loose my cool or show my anger. Yeh I might get pissy but I havnt shouted or screamed at anyone properly in over four years. I don't want to loose my cool. I pride the ability to keep calm towards my family when things hit the fan. Yes it's at a detriment to my emotions at the time. I guess Carl trying to teach me to let it out. He wants to make sure I don't keep using the block i use with my emotions, the one I often talk about. He knows me too well it scary.
I was trying to avoid letting him know my true feelings about the argument, everytime I tried to block him off within seconds he was past the wall, how does he do it. It's almost as if he sees me trying to put the wall up and just knocks it down like it's paper. How, he works past it so fast he makes me talk about what's really bothering me. I got so exausted on the phone trying not to think to point where he said I sounded like I was passing out from tiredness. I gave up in end, I was too tired to keep trying to put the wall up. He knew it when he knew i'd stopped trying he then talked me through some stuff. I fought so damn hard I didn't want to let him close to point where he knew exact thoughts. That scared me it scared me letting him know how i really felt, I just let it out when I did I relaxed to point of passing out. It was sheer relief, was almost as if I felt so safe. That nothing would hurt me.
I let go and that was hardest thing for me to do, I let it go I gave up the wall with him and stopped fighting and he didn't run...
He knew i'd fight to keep him away on that he knew. How?
I Love him so much for him to break the barrier that i'd been fighting for so damn long to hold up to shield him from the side no one sees. I call it the weak part of me because it the side where I am confused and it's part of me where I need someone to be there to give me strength to keep going when i'm tired. Takes some doing to get past it alot of people can't even scratch the surface.
That's all folks
Wednesday, 17 October 2007
My favourite lyrics
Last night...I told a lie.
When I told you..."I could say goodbye".
Here in the light of day...
What a crazy thing for me to say?
What I meant to say was..."I love you".
What's been killin' me is...I hurt you.
What I didn't do was...hold you when I saw the teardrops fall.
What I should've said was..."I'm sorry".
What I should've said was..."Forgive me".
What I meant to say was...what I didn't say at all.
Last night...I had a dream.
You were really walking out on me.
I woke up scared to death.
Please forget about the things I said.
What I meant to say was..."I love you".
What's been killin' me is...I hurt you.
What I didn't do was...hold you when I saw the teardrops fall.
What I should've said was..."I'm sorry".
What I should've said was..."Forgive me".
What I meant to say was...what I didn't say at all.
What I meant to say was...what I didn't say at all.
When I told you..."I could say goodbye".
Here in the light of day...
What a crazy thing for me to say?
What I meant to say was..."I love you".
What's been killin' me is...I hurt you.
What I didn't do was...hold you when I saw the teardrops fall.
What I should've said was..."I'm sorry".
What I should've said was..."Forgive me".
What I meant to say was...what I didn't say at all.
Last night...I had a dream.
You were really walking out on me.
I woke up scared to death.
Please forget about the things I said.
What I meant to say was..."I love you".
What's been killin' me is...I hurt you.
What I didn't do was...hold you when I saw the teardrops fall.
What I should've said was..."I'm sorry".
What I should've said was..."Forgive me".
What I meant to say was...what I didn't say at all.
What I meant to say was...what I didn't say at all.
Well chaos has ensued
Chaos had ensued upon mom arrival home. I spent 45mins being peacekeeper. Damn i'm getting too old for this shit. Gee and mom argued in car, jay had go at mom as john spent jays wages on his shop and didn't let jay know that was what he was doing.
I advised everyone to calm down, go to seperate rooms and we would deal with it in the morning. Worked well but everyones stewing, including me. Why do I have to be the peacekeeper.
I knew this would happen, i've known for a while there would be arguments upon moms return. The tension been lingering since she left too much happened for the boys to let it slide... She looked healthy but has lost more weight since i last saw her.
Lets out a shakey sigh trying to keep self relaxed which is hard to do when I know i'll be facing some bad moods in the morning, i'm just remaining impartial I have my own thoughts but they will not be spoken too much is going on as of this moment I am actively using my wall to keep self distant from the arguments...
I advised everyone to calm down, go to seperate rooms and we would deal with it in the morning. Worked well but everyones stewing, including me. Why do I have to be the peacekeeper.
I knew this would happen, i've known for a while there would be arguments upon moms return. The tension been lingering since she left too much happened for the boys to let it slide... She looked healthy but has lost more weight since i last saw her.
Lets out a shakey sigh trying to keep self relaxed which is hard to do when I know i'll be facing some bad moods in the morning, i'm just remaining impartial I have my own thoughts but they will not be spoken too much is going on as of this moment I am actively using my wall to keep self distant from the arguments...
Monday, 15 October 2007
lets see.....
I've had two hours sleep since yesterday, missing my man so much. We spoke for a bit early this morning, both of us tried to help eachother stay awake... he was dropping off more than I was which is unusual. Carl must've been exausted I could hear it in his voice he sounded so weary the first time we spoke. Perked up a little bit the second time we called but he was struggling to stay awake he kept dropping off. I love him sooo much smiles happily. Pity I'm not nearer him just want to be with him so much in real. He has made me the happiest one alive apart from odd moments of self doubt on my behalf where I sit and ponder quietly to self. But that is me..
I can't wait to speak to him tonight if I can hoping so i've missed his voice and our nightly chats.
I think today has been phone calls galore laughs spoke to one of my adopted vp sis and bro we had a 3 way call. That was funny hopes I can call another of my adoptive sisters today if get chance and my adoptive Ma. These phone cards starting to get expensive. Can see me needing to get more calling credit tomorrow. Good job it's pay day. Mom wants a phone card for when she gets back to call John with. Gotta love iphone cards they are brillient with their minutes and it only costs the card unless you use cellphones which i refuse to do as i'm trying to make my credit last as long as I can.
I need to run to bathroom and just chill out on bed might watch a movie as no one is online. It's that time of night for me almost 6pm when i start to feel most sleepy, I guess becauseit's pitch black outside and cold and fairly windy. Took the dogs out and froze on the spot thank gawd for my new slipper these little boot ugg things are so comfy and keep my tootsies nice and warm. Wish I had Carl to curl upto for warmth he says he is a toastie, so im the cold one he the warm one niceeeeeeeeeeeee. He can keep me warm any day of the week mhnnnnn cuddles and sleep sounds so good and more hehe.
I also spoke to mom this evening she called me to see how everyone is. They seem to be doing ok now. No arguments funny how 2 days before she is due to come home he makes the effort of spending time alone with her, when he said it was ment to be for the duration of the trip.
Oh well it is in her voice she sounded happy and that is all that matters..
Gotta take the rubbish out tonight as it's rubbish day tomorrow and I will be doing some more clothes washing too. Gotta tidy my bedroom too at somepoint it's a mess right now. I've sort of let it slide but it will get tidied before mom comes home, which is on the 17th. Also got to ring a local taxi company to see if can pick mom up from the airport and how much it will cost. i'm guessing around $170-$180 at most. But we shall see. Origionally she told me she was getting the train home but I guess and understand it's a hassle the last thing you want at the end of the day. Flying days are long I speak from experience. Everytime i've travelled I've worked out a day for flying and airport equals almost between 17-20 hours. Explains why you always so knackered when you get to detination going and coming home.
It's freezing here brrrrrrrrrrrr 45f on average but I swear it feels like it's 30f doesnt feel like fourties to me. Oh well least the heating is on and my bedroom is warm. Jay has put heating on when he has been here so I guess he is feeling the chill too. Gee and vicks moan it's too warm well we know why. Because they stay in bedroom with 2 tvs running 2 game consoles running and a laptop. And do something else so means it'l be warmer anyways. Plus it's a smaller room. Yet when I was in there it was always chilly, never hot or warm. The room i'm in now is shared but jay has slept in lounge for the last 2 and bit weeks. It's warm but even at night with heat next to my bed and curtains and window being kept shut I always wake up chilly. Even the dogs are hugging the heating rad at night mainly rux so guess he feeling it too or he curls up under the comforter with me while kady nicks my pillows or sleeps by my head.
Okay I really need to stop this blog i'm needing the bathroom,
That's all folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't wait to speak to him tonight if I can hoping so i've missed his voice and our nightly chats.
I think today has been phone calls galore laughs spoke to one of my adopted vp sis and bro we had a 3 way call. That was funny hopes I can call another of my adoptive sisters today if get chance and my adoptive Ma. These phone cards starting to get expensive. Can see me needing to get more calling credit tomorrow. Good job it's pay day. Mom wants a phone card for when she gets back to call John with. Gotta love iphone cards they are brillient with their minutes and it only costs the card unless you use cellphones which i refuse to do as i'm trying to make my credit last as long as I can.
I need to run to bathroom and just chill out on bed might watch a movie as no one is online. It's that time of night for me almost 6pm when i start to feel most sleepy, I guess becauseit's pitch black outside and cold and fairly windy. Took the dogs out and froze on the spot thank gawd for my new slipper these little boot ugg things are so comfy and keep my tootsies nice and warm. Wish I had Carl to curl upto for warmth he says he is a toastie, so im the cold one he the warm one niceeeeeeeeeeeee. He can keep me warm any day of the week mhnnnnn cuddles and sleep sounds so good and more hehe.
I also spoke to mom this evening she called me to see how everyone is. They seem to be doing ok now. No arguments funny how 2 days before she is due to come home he makes the effort of spending time alone with her, when he said it was ment to be for the duration of the trip.
Oh well it is in her voice she sounded happy and that is all that matters..
Gotta take the rubbish out tonight as it's rubbish day tomorrow and I will be doing some more clothes washing too. Gotta tidy my bedroom too at somepoint it's a mess right now. I've sort of let it slide but it will get tidied before mom comes home, which is on the 17th. Also got to ring a local taxi company to see if can pick mom up from the airport and how much it will cost. i'm guessing around $170-$180 at most. But we shall see. Origionally she told me she was getting the train home but I guess and understand it's a hassle the last thing you want at the end of the day. Flying days are long I speak from experience. Everytime i've travelled I've worked out a day for flying and airport equals almost between 17-20 hours. Explains why you always so knackered when you get to detination going and coming home.
It's freezing here brrrrrrrrrrrr 45f on average but I swear it feels like it's 30f doesnt feel like fourties to me. Oh well least the heating is on and my bedroom is warm. Jay has put heating on when he has been here so I guess he is feeling the chill too. Gee and vicks moan it's too warm well we know why. Because they stay in bedroom with 2 tvs running 2 game consoles running and a laptop. And do something else so means it'l be warmer anyways. Plus it's a smaller room. Yet when I was in there it was always chilly, never hot or warm. The room i'm in now is shared but jay has slept in lounge for the last 2 and bit weeks. It's warm but even at night with heat next to my bed and curtains and window being kept shut I always wake up chilly. Even the dogs are hugging the heating rad at night mainly rux so guess he feeling it too or he curls up under the comforter with me while kady nicks my pillows or sleeps by my head.
Okay I really need to stop this blog i'm needing the bathroom,
That's all folks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, 12 October 2007
i'm bored stupid
well as you can see from my blog title i'm bored stupid. Doing bits of housework slowly soo fucking boring, Gee n vicks are hiding bedroom. Jays out. No one is online and Carl's probably asleep. Been painting a bit in psp. I'm sooooooo bored.. same routine gets to me, I even went to bed earlier last night. Got woken umpteen times by mom texting. which means I didnt have a decent sleep. I just want something to instead of sitting at pc trying to cure boredom or tidying or cooking. This just sucks. Yeh shoot me with a gun i'm so fed up with the same routine fuck it im switching phone off and going to sleep early tonight. I'm fed up with doing late nights waiting to call my honey. It tiring me out, only to have him talk to me an hour or two tops go on yahoo the next day and go brb and never come back or comes back 2-3 hours later. Grumbes fuck it all, gonna have break from pc next few days it screwing my back up and making me eat even less. I wanted to tell him something today but I don't think i'll bother....
Tired of all the drama, moms got drama with john. Ring me tomorrow is all I get. Why should I she never tells the full story. Fuck it argh just gimmi a fucking break please, I need a Break and not next year I need one NOW!!!!!!!!
Tired of all the drama, moms got drama with john. Ring me tomorrow is all I get. Why should I she never tells the full story. Fuck it argh just gimmi a fucking break please, I need a Break and not next year I need one NOW!!!!!!!!
Thursday, 11 October 2007
Finally moms coming home
she gets back on 17th this month. I'm in a weird mood almost relief, I now need a cry. I need a hug and I need sleep. Wish my man was here I could really do with some strong arms to just hold me and let me fall asleep there and then. I've missed him since yesterday, can't wait to talk to him, dang I can't stop wishing he was here. I'm not normally like this but for some unknown reason tonight I really need him and to have him hold me close. I need him to send me to sleep make me drift off he sooths me and I need that soothing voice. Either that or i'll end up crying if he tlks softly.
He gonna if we speak tonight wonder why i'm, so quiet, I won't be able to answer it a question when i'm this way I can't answer. Nothing is wrong, i'm not sad, not angry, not happy either. I can't say what it is I think it close to tiredness
It's my thinking mood one of those indiscribable moods. He'll pick it up he hasn't come across this mood yet. He has heard me pissed off, he has heard me tired, he has heard me over moon, he has heard me when the wall goes up. Hope he doesn't think it because of the talk we had yesterday morning.
That conversation has been running through my head over and over again. My brain doesn't want to register he ment every word. I beleive it as he was deadly serious that he wants us together in real life. But my brain is failing to register the seriousness of how much it means to him. It keeps playing over and over in head all the sentences and words. it's almost as if I'm shellshocked. I am so happy and thrilled because for so long I waited, but to hear him say it in concrete and with serious thoughts of the future. Before it was more we gonna do this and that. Yesterday it was something a gut instinct none of that bantering stuff we usually do. It was serious thoughts as a couple I havn't really had that before, even when we were together over four years ago it was more bantering and this and that. We were serious but not to this extent. He doesn't want to loose me......I don't want to loose him again.
I'm going to say this with all seriousness. Me and Carl are Soulmates.... I've never said that before to anyone not even my exes. He is the first one and only person I've ever had that feeling with. It getting stronger each day. I had a bad dream the other night that left me full of doubts till yesterday.
I dremt I walked away from him again. He fought in my dream to stop me from walking away from him. Kept standing in front of me and asking why I was running away from him I replied i'm not running from you when In my dream I wanted to keep walking, his reply in dream that he can't loose me again. I guess because at once point a lil bit ago I contemplated breaking up because I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want the same thing as the past to happen and I got scared that it would. I am hoping it won't this time round.
I stood my ground when my brain and was saying walk away, because you don't want a repeat of the past. I'm so glad I didn't i'd be full of regrets.
11pm and i'm still awake I've not eaten dinner either. I'm not hungry. This sucks. I wanna eat but i'm not hungry. Growls softly.
That's all folks !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He gonna if we speak tonight wonder why i'm, so quiet, I won't be able to answer it a question when i'm this way I can't answer. Nothing is wrong, i'm not sad, not angry, not happy either. I can't say what it is I think it close to tiredness
It's my thinking mood one of those indiscribable moods. He'll pick it up he hasn't come across this mood yet. He has heard me pissed off, he has heard me tired, he has heard me over moon, he has heard me when the wall goes up. Hope he doesn't think it because of the talk we had yesterday morning.
That conversation has been running through my head over and over again. My brain doesn't want to register he ment every word. I beleive it as he was deadly serious that he wants us together in real life. But my brain is failing to register the seriousness of how much it means to him. It keeps playing over and over in head all the sentences and words. it's almost as if I'm shellshocked. I am so happy and thrilled because for so long I waited, but to hear him say it in concrete and with serious thoughts of the future. Before it was more we gonna do this and that. Yesterday it was something a gut instinct none of that bantering stuff we usually do. It was serious thoughts as a couple I havn't really had that before, even when we were together over four years ago it was more bantering and this and that. We were serious but not to this extent. He doesn't want to loose me......I don't want to loose him again.
I'm going to say this with all seriousness. Me and Carl are Soulmates.... I've never said that before to anyone not even my exes. He is the first one and only person I've ever had that feeling with. It getting stronger each day. I had a bad dream the other night that left me full of doubts till yesterday.
I dremt I walked away from him again. He fought in my dream to stop me from walking away from him. Kept standing in front of me and asking why I was running away from him I replied i'm not running from you when In my dream I wanted to keep walking, his reply in dream that he can't loose me again. I guess because at once point a lil bit ago I contemplated breaking up because I didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want the same thing as the past to happen and I got scared that it would. I am hoping it won't this time round.
I stood my ground when my brain and was saying walk away, because you don't want a repeat of the past. I'm so glad I didn't i'd be full of regrets.
11pm and i'm still awake I've not eaten dinner either. I'm not hungry. This sucks. I wanna eat but i'm not hungry. Growls softly.
That's all folks !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
Today has been different
Today I woke up in one foul mood, had a stonker of a headache and was still sleepy. Then bro rang asking for the so called money I owed him which he infact owed me. Git.
I feel better in myself today, nothing happened like I expected. Didn't need to hide out like origionally thought.
Well today after my blog other night about being unsure me and Carl had a long talk, he talked through some things with me explained a few things and it made world of difference. I got no more doubts it got serious today, scared me a little at first but it helped me realise we not walking away again. It was just what I needed to get rid of those doubts I posted in my last blog, those questions and me holding self back on making plans. I decided today no more holding back on plans. He really serious about living together, thought it has been just small talk after today I learnt he means it.
I guess he somehow picked up that I wasn't so sure whether he ment it or was just banter. He said us being together means we are moving towards getting together in real life, I am having to change my way of thinking. We have to think of things as a couple, i'm having to rethink decisions I make at work with you in mind. Which is his way of saying he want's to know he will be around for a long time without worrying about me being left alone because of something bad happening at work. That got me realising he was serious. He never been that serious before something clicked into place this morning. Wohoo.
Thats all folks!!!!!!!!!!
I feel better in myself today, nothing happened like I expected. Didn't need to hide out like origionally thought.
Well today after my blog other night about being unsure me and Carl had a long talk, he talked through some things with me explained a few things and it made world of difference. I got no more doubts it got serious today, scared me a little at first but it helped me realise we not walking away again. It was just what I needed to get rid of those doubts I posted in my last blog, those questions and me holding self back on making plans. I decided today no more holding back on plans. He really serious about living together, thought it has been just small talk after today I learnt he means it.
I guess he somehow picked up that I wasn't so sure whether he ment it or was just banter. He said us being together means we are moving towards getting together in real life, I am having to change my way of thinking. We have to think of things as a couple, i'm having to rethink decisions I make at work with you in mind. Which is his way of saying he want's to know he will be around for a long time without worrying about me being left alone because of something bad happening at work. That got me realising he was serious. He never been that serious before something clicked into place this morning. Wohoo.
Thats all folks!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, 8 October 2007
Pride and Prejudice- Like the Rain
I love the song so much my boyfreind sent it to me I had to share the song
I havn't posted in forever
Well I finally found the addy for this site again today.
Let's see Mom is still in Jordan, i'm still housesitting. It's damn cold and I wish I had my man to snuggle upto for warmth, even with 2 quiltsa i'm cold at night.
I've taken up a habit of conking out at the pc, my laptop has stopped working. I fall asleep at the desk always around 6-7pm talking to my honey. Everytime I just conk out he spends at least fifteen mins trying to wake me up. I can't help it lol. He thinks it's cute. We still doing our nightly talks but the last couple of weesk i've been so tired it been an hour or two tops during night. Bless he knows when im tired he always offer to hang up so I can curl up and sleep. I refuse no matter how tired I am.
Spoke to mom today. Hmn I threatened if she keeps sending weird texts I won't be housesitting ever again, namely because i'm a tad tired of being accused of not going shopping for food or cooking or doing anything, Yeh I spend alotta time at pc but I tidy, wash up, cook, do lunches, feed dogs, let dogs out, do clothes washing, tidy kitchen, clear out rubbish. I also do a weekly shop alone with no help which can be a bugger carrying all the stuff into the house.
What do they all do maybe the odd lunch here and there and tidy their room.
It's annoying being accused of not doing what I always have done in housesitting duty. I asked how many times over the years have I housesat for you? She couldn't answer it. And I said and how many times have we had shit like this time round happen? She said never which is true. I said look i've been doing this for years. Your getting one persons perspective who only tells you his version of the story. I said he is never around when I do the bulk shop, so therefore he doesn't know what he is going on about. It could aslo be his way of getting back at me for not giving him money for weed. I only get $120 a week, which is supposed to be for four people but i've been having to feed five people. Apparently I was supposed to get $40 a week from middle brother for housekeeping. Well Gee whizz mom negleted to tell me till today three weeks in she tells me. That extra would've sure come in handy.
I explained when they borrow money for their weed, it leaves me short of upto $80 a week. I get the money back after constant asking but only $40 of it. I also explained i've been having to buy top ups for the youngest brother he has had $40 worth in less than a week. When I explained that Mom said no more lending no more top ups for them. She said why have you been buying him top ups. I said because he speaks to you more he said Mom said can you buy me a top up. Like a fool I beleived him. I been taken for a ride. Guess I have mug stamped on my head. I've decided no more Miss Nice that's it i'm done with it.
My youngest brother couldn't look me in the face or eye. He knew he had fucked up royally, I expected more from him not that kind of behavior. He know's he messed with the wrong person tonight he heard me talking to mom on phone, he has since avoided looking at me he hangs his head down. My defense wall is up. I'm now cold and distant to the three of them tonight i've barely acknowledged them. They picked the wrong day to mess with me.
Barely spoken to Carl today his computer and wireless was acting up again. He came on gave up came on again tonight for tiny bit and poofed. It's been an asshole of a day. Truly not what I needed and more stuff keeps happening. I'm not angry i'm almost deadly calm too calm for my liking even my dogs are scared of me right now. So I must be giving off some kind of vibe that giving them a warning. I feel tense it's in my shoulders and keeps making me stand tall and straight usually i'm relaxed but not tonight, every muscle in my body is on tense alert. I looked at myself in mirror just now and almost double took I look exactly like my father did when he had the mood I am in now.
I'm mulling a few things over at the moment in my mind. I'm asking is it really worth my time and effort to try and move out. Today has made me want to get my own place, i'd love to go stay with Carl but at the moment I know for a long time it won't even be possible.
There is talk of him coming over here which is a first to hang out with me and my family, in all the time in last 4 months and when we together before he never talked of coming to the UK. He now talks of spending time in the UK as well as me spending time in the US with him. He sounds like he has accepted my family big time and plans of stuff he will do with me as well as the boys. He still sees them as his brothers. I guess for both of us far more serious than I origionally thought it would've been, i'll admit when we first got together I was expecting a brief fling or fleeting reunion of old emotions that would die down in both of us as fast as they had returned. But no we seem to fall further in love each day. We both miss eachother when we can't speak both of us try to spend as much time talking to eachother as we can, we both now call eachother he will ring me now too. If he know's I drifting off at pc he will ring to try wake me and get me to go rest on bed. I guess it's the real deal.
I just wish he was here, that's the part that hurts in a way. The fact we are both so far away yet we are so close I can't explain it I never could. Quite a few people who don't know either of us will assume we live together, I wonder why. They always ask how long we've lived together. I have never givn the impression to my knowledge we live together. Neither has he.
A few people are convinced if we get together in real we will most certainly get married. Growls softly with a little grin. As I keep saying it's only been X amount of months it's hard to say what will happen if the future, I not holding to many plans yes I may dream. He talks of marriage me as wifey and all sorts. He always did talk I do a little, but the back of my mind holds the memories of how much it hurt last time round to have all my dreams come crashing down around me. I still havn't got over it, yeh i'm with him but those hurtful memories sometimes creep in and I wonder. What's to stop that from happening again?
That's why I refuse to make too many plans like before. I will banter about things but part of me still holds back for fear of being heartbroken again. I can't bare to face it again.
It's getting harder to hold back the more we talk the harder it is for me not to do that. I am trying so hard not to loose the one thing I can control. I think he let his guard down faster than I have, which suprises me. Mine is there wavering between letting go completely but my brain says if you do and you get hurt your in for a world won't be the same again. It would break my soul in two if I let the guard go completely and the worst happened. That lil don't let it go pops into my head and my heart saying just let go. Just let go he loves you and you do him. Why hold onto something from the past. I just don't know what to do. Let my guard go or keep it there.
Well that's all folks!!!!!!!!
Let's see Mom is still in Jordan, i'm still housesitting. It's damn cold and I wish I had my man to snuggle upto for warmth, even with 2 quiltsa i'm cold at night.
I've taken up a habit of conking out at the pc, my laptop has stopped working. I fall asleep at the desk always around 6-7pm talking to my honey. Everytime I just conk out he spends at least fifteen mins trying to wake me up. I can't help it lol. He thinks it's cute. We still doing our nightly talks but the last couple of weesk i've been so tired it been an hour or two tops during night. Bless he knows when im tired he always offer to hang up so I can curl up and sleep. I refuse no matter how tired I am.
Spoke to mom today. Hmn I threatened if she keeps sending weird texts I won't be housesitting ever again, namely because i'm a tad tired of being accused of not going shopping for food or cooking or doing anything, Yeh I spend alotta time at pc but I tidy, wash up, cook, do lunches, feed dogs, let dogs out, do clothes washing, tidy kitchen, clear out rubbish. I also do a weekly shop alone with no help which can be a bugger carrying all the stuff into the house.
What do they all do maybe the odd lunch here and there and tidy their room.
It's annoying being accused of not doing what I always have done in housesitting duty. I asked how many times over the years have I housesat for you? She couldn't answer it. And I said and how many times have we had shit like this time round happen? She said never which is true. I said look i've been doing this for years. Your getting one persons perspective who only tells you his version of the story. I said he is never around when I do the bulk shop, so therefore he doesn't know what he is going on about. It could aslo be his way of getting back at me for not giving him money for weed. I only get $120 a week, which is supposed to be for four people but i've been having to feed five people. Apparently I was supposed to get $40 a week from middle brother for housekeeping. Well Gee whizz mom negleted to tell me till today three weeks in she tells me. That extra would've sure come in handy.
I explained when they borrow money for their weed, it leaves me short of upto $80 a week. I get the money back after constant asking but only $40 of it. I also explained i've been having to buy top ups for the youngest brother he has had $40 worth in less than a week. When I explained that Mom said no more lending no more top ups for them. She said why have you been buying him top ups. I said because he speaks to you more he said Mom said can you buy me a top up. Like a fool I beleived him. I been taken for a ride. Guess I have mug stamped on my head. I've decided no more Miss Nice that's it i'm done with it.
My youngest brother couldn't look me in the face or eye. He knew he had fucked up royally, I expected more from him not that kind of behavior. He know's he messed with the wrong person tonight he heard me talking to mom on phone, he has since avoided looking at me he hangs his head down. My defense wall is up. I'm now cold and distant to the three of them tonight i've barely acknowledged them. They picked the wrong day to mess with me.
Barely spoken to Carl today his computer and wireless was acting up again. He came on gave up came on again tonight for tiny bit and poofed. It's been an asshole of a day. Truly not what I needed and more stuff keeps happening. I'm not angry i'm almost deadly calm too calm for my liking even my dogs are scared of me right now. So I must be giving off some kind of vibe that giving them a warning. I feel tense it's in my shoulders and keeps making me stand tall and straight usually i'm relaxed but not tonight, every muscle in my body is on tense alert. I looked at myself in mirror just now and almost double took I look exactly like my father did when he had the mood I am in now.
I'm mulling a few things over at the moment in my mind. I'm asking is it really worth my time and effort to try and move out. Today has made me want to get my own place, i'd love to go stay with Carl but at the moment I know for a long time it won't even be possible.
There is talk of him coming over here which is a first to hang out with me and my family, in all the time in last 4 months and when we together before he never talked of coming to the UK. He now talks of spending time in the UK as well as me spending time in the US with him. He sounds like he has accepted my family big time and plans of stuff he will do with me as well as the boys. He still sees them as his brothers. I guess for both of us far more serious than I origionally thought it would've been, i'll admit when we first got together I was expecting a brief fling or fleeting reunion of old emotions that would die down in both of us as fast as they had returned. But no we seem to fall further in love each day. We both miss eachother when we can't speak both of us try to spend as much time talking to eachother as we can, we both now call eachother he will ring me now too. If he know's I drifting off at pc he will ring to try wake me and get me to go rest on bed. I guess it's the real deal.
I just wish he was here, that's the part that hurts in a way. The fact we are both so far away yet we are so close I can't explain it I never could. Quite a few people who don't know either of us will assume we live together, I wonder why. They always ask how long we've lived together. I have never givn the impression to my knowledge we live together. Neither has he.
A few people are convinced if we get together in real we will most certainly get married. Growls softly with a little grin. As I keep saying it's only been X amount of months it's hard to say what will happen if the future, I not holding to many plans yes I may dream. He talks of marriage me as wifey and all sorts. He always did talk I do a little, but the back of my mind holds the memories of how much it hurt last time round to have all my dreams come crashing down around me. I still havn't got over it, yeh i'm with him but those hurtful memories sometimes creep in and I wonder. What's to stop that from happening again?
That's why I refuse to make too many plans like before. I will banter about things but part of me still holds back for fear of being heartbroken again. I can't bare to face it again.
It's getting harder to hold back the more we talk the harder it is for me not to do that. I am trying so hard not to loose the one thing I can control. I think he let his guard down faster than I have, which suprises me. Mine is there wavering between letting go completely but my brain says if you do and you get hurt your in for a world won't be the same again. It would break my soul in two if I let the guard go completely and the worst happened. That lil don't let it go pops into my head and my heart saying just let go. Just let go he loves you and you do him. Why hold onto something from the past. I just don't know what to do. Let my guard go or keep it there.
Well that's all folks!!!!!!!!
Thursday, 20 September 2007
I've been awake 31 hours.
I hurt so much.. I had an astma attack this morning. Since then shoulders and sides hurt like crazy. I havn't had one in so long I feel like I gone ten rounds with someone hitting my shoulders and top of chest. Can barely find energy to move. I just bushwacked. My brothers expected me to go walking for 2 hours all round for baccy in wind and rain alone as darkness fell, I was refusing kept pestering, when ya going to shop? I can barely move round the house let alone outside. It was an effort to even stand and cook dinner, I knew I was coming down ill and the day I thought bout how I felt rough is day it kicks off.
Carl was furious at my brothers for expecting me to out in bad weather alone, I didn't let him know how bad I was this mornign. He would kick by butt for not resting, he worries too much.
He let me bitvh about m brothers, I rarely moan bout them but today they got to me. I'm too tired of this shit they all pull when moms away. I'm exausted soo damn exausted feel like ive drained every ounce of energy just to keep oing. Realy i been housesiting for pretty much months solid, dang so many have said i do too much. I've physically run self to gorund specilly after some good friends letting me know I can't do it all myself. Guess so many kno me too well. they almos snse when i run down it scres me becuse i deny it. I can't tongitj.
where i'm that tired the ghosts are actign up big time.
I onna have to stop the blog befpre o [ass pit tryimg tp tupe im sdrooping off here.
Yhats all fols
Carl was furious at my brothers for expecting me to out in bad weather alone, I didn't let him know how bad I was this mornign. He would kick by butt for not resting, he worries too much.
He let me bitvh about m brothers, I rarely moan bout them but today they got to me. I'm too tired of this shit they all pull when moms away. I'm exausted soo damn exausted feel like ive drained every ounce of energy just to keep oing. Realy i been housesiting for pretty much months solid, dang so many have said i do too much. I've physically run self to gorund specilly after some good friends letting me know I can't do it all myself. Guess so many kno me too well. they almos snse when i run down it scres me becuse i deny it. I can't tongitj.
where i'm that tired the ghosts are actign up big time.
I onna have to stop the blog befpre o [ass pit tryimg tp tupe im sdrooping off here.
Yhats all fols
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
I been awake a long time its 7.37am ...
Well it's early in the morning, i'm freezing cold whats new? I feel so rough, rougher than a dog. Had my first astma attack after I got off the phone, it's been forever since I had one. The chillier weather seems to hit me more since the weight loss. Drives me loopy I tell you, the one thing that get's to me I can cope with cold but hate having cold hands or fingers. Which for past 2 weeks has been happening more with the colder weather. Even my usual taxi driver said it was cold, so it isn't just me feeling the change in temperature. I need to get my wool coat outta the cupboard and get some buttons sewed onto it and get it dry cleaned.
Heck I got a feeling i'm going to need a new coat. I brought it in December last year and I havn't tried it on for a few months. I think it's going to swamp me. Might see if I can invest in a more expensive coat. I usually pay about sixty dollers for a coat, which barely last a few months. Usually long enough to get me through the winter, but need one that will last a few years. My Dad was always one to buy an expensive coat that would last a few years. That could mean upto two hundred dollers. Not sure if I can do it. I really need reading glasses, but on the other hand I need a coat for winter that actually fits. If don't protect myself from the cold weather I can pretty much promise I will get a chest infection come October and November.
I'm fighting one off right now as I write this blog so it on time, lol. I know the feeling the warning signs, tight feeling, wheezing, achy shoulders, sore throat, high temperature. They are the same signs every year without fail. I've run myself to the ground, housesitting isn't helping. So many have told me I do too much, guess they are right.
I work my socks off keeping the house running and ticking over, i'm proud I can do it but at a detriment to my health. I guess that's why I'm ill at moment, run down, in dire need of a holiday been over year since I actually had a break now. I've been a housesitter for a few years since I turned seventeen. Normally we have few hiccups but I can pretty much cope with them. Only one thing thast sometimes get to me is when house is empty. But that's where chatting to Carl helps hugely and also vp chat. Give's me some company and I have a great bunch of freinds and adopted family who accept my brattyness lol.
He got me again with my blonde moments, gawd he gets me every night. Last night was only time because I made a bet. He gonna have a lifetime of fun with my blonde moments, we argued/bantered about jacket potatoes vs baked potato. I say jacket he insists it's baked. Same thing. He wouldn't let it go lmao. Neither would I for that matter. I'm stubborn and he bloody knows it he is too. snickers. He always makes me laugh and smile. Said he can see me with him in some bar out there, I gonna say something in my accent and have all the guys hitting on me and following me round. Or you will say bloody wankers and some dumb ass gonna come up with a comment and i'll punch them for it. Naaaaaaa that BS. He was serious and then said there's gonna be me punching some guy for hitting on you to prove a point laughs. I was like oh my god.
Apparently we brits over pronounciate everything, he trying to get me to work on my drawl. Hello I speak the way I was raised , it's bloody hard for me to speak texan drawl. He has me practicing, but it's hard. He says slow it down and roll letters into one without the breaks in between. I'm getting there slowly. I explained if I talked lazy I would get a smack round the earole from my dad. I blame him lmao. He said we have accents. I do not have an accent, he has an accent not me. I dooooooo not have an accent, I never have had one. Lmao. He said I do not have an accent I have a southern drawl. True but it's still an accent.
He gets confused if I talk fast which isn't often. He gets bits but misses parts so I slow down and repeat and he says it the accent makes it hard for him to understand me sometimes. I was like do what. I speak clearly and pronounce everything. soooooo to prove a point he delibrately started talking my way. I almost fell off my seat laughing it sounded funny. Said we talk delibrately like this to pronounce every vowel and syllable, true. I guess that's why people get the feeling the british can be off and snobby.
Thats all folks
Heck I got a feeling i'm going to need a new coat. I brought it in December last year and I havn't tried it on for a few months. I think it's going to swamp me. Might see if I can invest in a more expensive coat. I usually pay about sixty dollers for a coat, which barely last a few months. Usually long enough to get me through the winter, but need one that will last a few years. My Dad was always one to buy an expensive coat that would last a few years. That could mean upto two hundred dollers. Not sure if I can do it. I really need reading glasses, but on the other hand I need a coat for winter that actually fits. If don't protect myself from the cold weather I can pretty much promise I will get a chest infection come October and November.
I'm fighting one off right now as I write this blog so it on time, lol. I know the feeling the warning signs, tight feeling, wheezing, achy shoulders, sore throat, high temperature. They are the same signs every year without fail. I've run myself to the ground, housesitting isn't helping. So many have told me I do too much, guess they are right.
I work my socks off keeping the house running and ticking over, i'm proud I can do it but at a detriment to my health. I guess that's why I'm ill at moment, run down, in dire need of a holiday been over year since I actually had a break now. I've been a housesitter for a few years since I turned seventeen. Normally we have few hiccups but I can pretty much cope with them. Only one thing thast sometimes get to me is when house is empty. But that's where chatting to Carl helps hugely and also vp chat. Give's me some company and I have a great bunch of freinds and adopted family who accept my brattyness lol.
He got me again with my blonde moments, gawd he gets me every night. Last night was only time because I made a bet. He gonna have a lifetime of fun with my blonde moments, we argued/bantered about jacket potatoes vs baked potato. I say jacket he insists it's baked. Same thing. He wouldn't let it go lmao. Neither would I for that matter. I'm stubborn and he bloody knows it he is too. snickers. He always makes me laugh and smile. Said he can see me with him in some bar out there, I gonna say something in my accent and have all the guys hitting on me and following me round. Or you will say bloody wankers and some dumb ass gonna come up with a comment and i'll punch them for it. Naaaaaaa that BS. He was serious and then said there's gonna be me punching some guy for hitting on you to prove a point laughs. I was like oh my god.
Apparently we brits over pronounciate everything, he trying to get me to work on my drawl. Hello I speak the way I was raised , it's bloody hard for me to speak texan drawl. He has me practicing, but it's hard. He says slow it down and roll letters into one without the breaks in between. I'm getting there slowly. I explained if I talked lazy I would get a smack round the earole from my dad. I blame him lmao. He said we have accents. I do not have an accent, he has an accent not me. I dooooooo not have an accent, I never have had one. Lmao. He said I do not have an accent I have a southern drawl. True but it's still an accent.
He gets confused if I talk fast which isn't often. He gets bits but misses parts so I slow down and repeat and he says it the accent makes it hard for him to understand me sometimes. I was like do what. I speak clearly and pronounce everything. soooooo to prove a point he delibrately started talking my way. I almost fell off my seat laughing it sounded funny. Said we talk delibrately like this to pronounce every vowel and syllable, true. I guess that's why people get the feeling the british can be off and snobby.
Thats all folks
Monday, 17 September 2007
What a boring day...
Well I got booted out of my bedroom last night, because youngest bro had some girl round. No forwarning I was expecting her to leave maybe an hour or two later but nope, she was here all night. I had no choice but to sleep on the couch with just pillows and no comforter for warmth that sucked hugely. I could've borrowed mums bed or other brothers bedroom but I won't as that is their space not my space.
Today has been boring I had maybe 3-4 hours sleep before I woke up thinking oh I have to go to the post office to post key off to our landlord. I've a habit when things need doing the tendency to wake up early happens or I will stay awake till things are done and then head to bed for sleep.
I spoke to my man for a bit but I waited over 2 hours to call back and gave up and went to sleep in the end about six this morning i think. Got couple of texts this afternoon he wanted to pop online to chat but his internet was being mean again. Poor guy someone messes around with it and means he can't get online. Felt bit bad for him as he just got his routine back. Been looking forward to speaking to him during day as it a lil easier on me and means if I speak online I can sleep at night rather than stay up all night waiting to call.
Feel like just walking away from everything, just pack a bag and walk away from it all. I'm not depressed, sad or misreble. I just feel hemmed in and need some kind of space. Guess that the saggi in me needing to travel again. If could I'd just get on flight and see where it takes me. I'm indifferent right now I'm needing some kind of freedom, I can't explain it. I'm not hemmed by Carl I love him and can't wait to maybe start a future with him. I feel hemmed in by my family, specially my mom and john.
That's all folks,,,,
Today has been boring I had maybe 3-4 hours sleep before I woke up thinking oh I have to go to the post office to post key off to our landlord. I've a habit when things need doing the tendency to wake up early happens or I will stay awake till things are done and then head to bed for sleep.
I spoke to my man for a bit but I waited over 2 hours to call back and gave up and went to sleep in the end about six this morning i think. Got couple of texts this afternoon he wanted to pop online to chat but his internet was being mean again. Poor guy someone messes around with it and means he can't get online. Felt bit bad for him as he just got his routine back. Been looking forward to speaking to him during day as it a lil easier on me and means if I speak online I can sleep at night rather than stay up all night waiting to call.
Feel like just walking away from everything, just pack a bag and walk away from it all. I'm not depressed, sad or misreble. I just feel hemmed in and need some kind of space. Guess that the saggi in me needing to travel again. If could I'd just get on flight and see where it takes me. I'm indifferent right now I'm needing some kind of freedom, I can't explain it. I'm not hemmed by Carl I love him and can't wait to maybe start a future with him. I feel hemmed in by my family, specially my mom and john.
That's all folks,,,,
Sunday, 16 September 2007
Translations
Fag in UK english means ciggie it can also mean a Homosexual.
Spank the Monkey in the UK English means spank the backside.
Gummy to me means Gummy as in no teeth. Can also be a twist on Scummy which means disgusting.
Townie a version of those who wear tracksuits and comefrom the town and surrounding areas.
Spend a penny in UK english means go to the restoom.
AC/DC in UK either swinging or bisexual.
Oh Bloody bollocks and tits up to it all. That my form of say oh no it's all going wrong a varient of this is it's all gone pete tong.
Twat in UK a person who annoys you.
Wanker similar thing in UK.
Git I say affectionately. Sorta an offense to some but some it used affectionately
Ane - Penis or vagina depending. Varient of Punane.
Spank the Monkey in the UK English means spank the backside.
Gummy to me means Gummy as in no teeth. Can also be a twist on Scummy which means disgusting.
Townie a version of those who wear tracksuits and comefrom the town and surrounding areas.
Spend a penny in UK english means go to the restoom.
AC/DC in UK either swinging or bisexual.
Oh Bloody bollocks and tits up to it all. That my form of say oh no it's all going wrong a varient of this is it's all gone pete tong.
Twat in UK a person who annoys you.
Wanker similar thing in UK.
Git I say affectionately. Sorta an offense to some but some it used affectionately
Ane - Penis or vagina depending. Varient of Punane.
Thursday, 13 September 2007
Well today was a madhouse day...
Well mom got back she goes again on saterday. She was fretting about clothes washing, i'm going sit down ya got tomorrow to do a load anyway. Their fault for booking a flight for saterday they chose the date lmao.
I finally said screw it to the phone it still wasnt working. Even Mom said I don't understand why it's done that. So I brought two phones, one a nice looking cordless and one regular plug in. Which means if we have a powercut or the phone goes scatty on us we have a phone that can be used. Heck I might even buy my own phone so no one can use it and keep it charged in my bedroom whenever I need one it will be there.
Mom was going through some bits with me surrounding our landlord. I have some tidying to do and also we have some builder coming to do the bathroom hmn new bathroom should be interesting. Mom said it has to be in the afternoons as I sleep during mornings normally. Plus I'm less likely to react against someone turning up at the door randomly. Since been with Carl I've become super safety conscious of people at door. He worries and made me promise to keep myself safe. Namely keeping a bat by door and also some vinager and pickle juice in a suishy tub incase someone tries something dodgy. We cn use stuff like that to defend ourselves within reasonable force while they coming at you as long as it not while they running away.
He said when i'm there he given me a list of things I will have to do when we live together should someone break in. Worst part is I remember it all he went through it few times to make sure I remembered, no ones ever cared for me like that before. He gonna train me in self defense and also how to shoot a gun. I know self defense I had training but didn't let on I know as much as I do because he gets all enthusiastic and shows he loves me when he goes into guy protective mode. Smiles
I still doing research. Not gonna tell ya bout it as it soooo long winded not done some in bit so will start it up again.
Let's see what else oo gonna see of mum and john will buy me a run around car. Need to get driving specially if mom going to be travelling I cant keep relying on public transport, it be worse when move up north specially in winter they get really bad weather which worries me. I really want a SUV or some kind of truck hehe i'm trying to learn the american way. Specially if I might move out there. Don't want to have to relearn too much. But I doubt they would let me get a truck I know what I would love. But they're too expensive. I asked if could have some lessons in the jeep and mom flat out said no which I expected. Carl asked pretty much same thing to me can ya see if you can learn in a the jeep. I pretty much said I doubt it. Guess he wants me to learn on powerful things.
Man my boyfriend puts ideas in my head he trying to get me americanised and i'm in the UK, guess he trying to get me prepared. So I gotta learn to drive a big SUV and shoot a gun which i'm looking into. Even my mom was open to that idea I was really really suprised, guess she knows I have a sensible head on my shoulders. And I've discussed it in length with Mom she admitted my father had a gun license too. I thought as much. Said pretty much it my choice nd knows i've discussed it with carl in depth and with her. I asked how john would feel about it she said he be fine he has a gun license too. So I guess that in the pipeline soon, might just buy a license.
Gawd I am so tired. Really should be in bed but I want to call carl.
I finally said screw it to the phone it still wasnt working. Even Mom said I don't understand why it's done that. So I brought two phones, one a nice looking cordless and one regular plug in. Which means if we have a powercut or the phone goes scatty on us we have a phone that can be used. Heck I might even buy my own phone so no one can use it and keep it charged in my bedroom whenever I need one it will be there.
Mom was going through some bits with me surrounding our landlord. I have some tidying to do and also we have some builder coming to do the bathroom hmn new bathroom should be interesting. Mom said it has to be in the afternoons as I sleep during mornings normally. Plus I'm less likely to react against someone turning up at the door randomly. Since been with Carl I've become super safety conscious of people at door. He worries and made me promise to keep myself safe. Namely keeping a bat by door and also some vinager and pickle juice in a suishy tub incase someone tries something dodgy. We cn use stuff like that to defend ourselves within reasonable force while they coming at you as long as it not while they running away.
He said when i'm there he given me a list of things I will have to do when we live together should someone break in. Worst part is I remember it all he went through it few times to make sure I remembered, no ones ever cared for me like that before. He gonna train me in self defense and also how to shoot a gun. I know self defense I had training but didn't let on I know as much as I do because he gets all enthusiastic and shows he loves me when he goes into guy protective mode. Smiles
I still doing research. Not gonna tell ya bout it as it soooo long winded not done some in bit so will start it up again.
Let's see what else oo gonna see of mum and john will buy me a run around car. Need to get driving specially if mom going to be travelling I cant keep relying on public transport, it be worse when move up north specially in winter they get really bad weather which worries me. I really want a SUV or some kind of truck hehe i'm trying to learn the american way. Specially if I might move out there. Don't want to have to relearn too much. But I doubt they would let me get a truck I know what I would love. But they're too expensive. I asked if could have some lessons in the jeep and mom flat out said no which I expected. Carl asked pretty much same thing to me can ya see if you can learn in a the jeep. I pretty much said I doubt it. Guess he wants me to learn on powerful things.
Man my boyfriend puts ideas in my head he trying to get me americanised and i'm in the UK, guess he trying to get me prepared. So I gotta learn to drive a big SUV and shoot a gun which i'm looking into. Even my mom was open to that idea I was really really suprised, guess she knows I have a sensible head on my shoulders. And I've discussed it in length with Mom she admitted my father had a gun license too. I thought as much. Said pretty much it my choice nd knows i've discussed it with carl in depth and with her. I asked how john would feel about it she said he be fine he has a gun license too. So I guess that in the pipeline soon, might just buy a license.
Gawd I am so tired. Really should be in bed but I want to call carl.
Wednesday, 12 September 2007
Can ya tell I might as well be stoned but i'm not
Why do birds sit on electric wires?... maybe they like the electric buzz to the down below parts..
Why do dogs always pick up sticks?... maybe to feel like the hunter around women...
Why do men smack butts?.. because they cant resist touching us women...
Why do we smoke?.. because we have nothing better to do thn enjoy a ciggie....
Why do dogs soak us with wet ears after drinking.. because they just have to share their enjoyment of a drink..
Why do we have to follow a dare through?.. for the sheer thrill of being caught out maybe...
Why do we sit and cross our legs?.. to cover up the fact we might be feeling fruity lmao...
What does it mean when we make eyes at you?.. your either butt ugly or smoking hot or we pity your attemps at wooing us..
Why do dogs always pick up sticks?... maybe to feel like the hunter around women...
Why do men smack butts?.. because they cant resist touching us women...
Why do we smoke?.. because we have nothing better to do thn enjoy a ciggie....
Why do dogs soak us with wet ears after drinking.. because they just have to share their enjoyment of a drink..
Why do we have to follow a dare through?.. for the sheer thrill of being caught out maybe...
Why do we sit and cross our legs?.. to cover up the fact we might be feeling fruity lmao...
What does it mean when we make eyes at you?.. your either butt ugly or smoking hot or we pity your attemps at wooing us..
It seems cold to me
I looked at temperature guage and it reckons it is 67f here. Feels colder than that though.
I finally got some sleep I give up with anything electrical, it is all going scatty round me. Namely the home phone and the laptop. I must be giving of some weird vibes or something.
I sat and talked about few bits with carl last night on the phone, felt good to ask. Bit of mushy stuff but heck we open enough to talk about anything that comes to mind. We tlked of what happened before. Both agreed on the saying if you love somebody you set them free and they will come back to you. I was almost crying yup the one who rarely cries was almost choked up and crying.
He was right he asked if we would have truly appreciated eachother had we still been together? I couldn't answer that one. The part that got me choked up and almost crying.. He said there wasn't a day when I didn't tink of you. Whenever a thought of you popped into my head, whenever I heard a voice that reminded me of you, whenever something reminded me of you. I wanted to ring you up and say I love you, miss you and i'm sorry. Goes bright red and teary eyed. Romantic eh the secret me is a bit of a romantic no ones ever said something with such sincerity. Snuffles guess it true love been in denial, still in denial that it's real. I keep expecting to wake up and find it's all been a dream. I phoned mum up and had a chat to her was almost crying when i repeated that. Why one sentence can produce such strong emotions of happiness. I've not had that in a long long longggggg time. I will never understand the human reaction to such things. I think too much can't ya tell, I am always thinking.
I told him on phone of my defense mechanism again I wanted to make sure he understood why I might do such a thing. I wanted to make sure he knows it not ment when I do it. He said I do the exact same thing. If get spooked, scared, angry, nervous I distance myself. I do exactly that soo he does same thing. That how he knew how to work through it the other week. I felt better that he understand that one. If there one thing anyone need to know it the one thing in a relationship you need to know how to work past my wall of silence and quietness or it wont come down for a while. If someone can't get past that it goes up harder and is impossible to break down if I don't want to let someone in they won't get past it except mum and carl and few I trust closely.
Apparently I got told i'm a firecracker. Guess because I was a little pissed off about real bro an his gf expecting me to do everything. I sorta showed I was angry in chat about it, so someone said wow your a little firecracker and thought you were very sedate. I said I am till i'm annoyed it the truth I won't deny when I get annoyed it shows. I calm down super quick though unless really angry and only Carl can calm me down quick if i'm like that which suprised me because usually i have to calm myself down by pacing.
Thats all folks gonna do a funny blog in a second
I finally got some sleep I give up with anything electrical, it is all going scatty round me. Namely the home phone and the laptop. I must be giving of some weird vibes or something.
I sat and talked about few bits with carl last night on the phone, felt good to ask. Bit of mushy stuff but heck we open enough to talk about anything that comes to mind. We tlked of what happened before. Both agreed on the saying if you love somebody you set them free and they will come back to you. I was almost crying yup the one who rarely cries was almost choked up and crying.
He was right he asked if we would have truly appreciated eachother had we still been together? I couldn't answer that one. The part that got me choked up and almost crying.. He said there wasn't a day when I didn't tink of you. Whenever a thought of you popped into my head, whenever I heard a voice that reminded me of you, whenever something reminded me of you. I wanted to ring you up and say I love you, miss you and i'm sorry. Goes bright red and teary eyed. Romantic eh the secret me is a bit of a romantic no ones ever said something with such sincerity. Snuffles guess it true love been in denial, still in denial that it's real. I keep expecting to wake up and find it's all been a dream. I phoned mum up and had a chat to her was almost crying when i repeated that. Why one sentence can produce such strong emotions of happiness. I've not had that in a long long longggggg time. I will never understand the human reaction to such things. I think too much can't ya tell, I am always thinking.
I told him on phone of my defense mechanism again I wanted to make sure he understood why I might do such a thing. I wanted to make sure he knows it not ment when I do it. He said I do the exact same thing. If get spooked, scared, angry, nervous I distance myself. I do exactly that soo he does same thing. That how he knew how to work through it the other week. I felt better that he understand that one. If there one thing anyone need to know it the one thing in a relationship you need to know how to work past my wall of silence and quietness or it wont come down for a while. If someone can't get past that it goes up harder and is impossible to break down if I don't want to let someone in they won't get past it except mum and carl and few I trust closely.
Apparently I got told i'm a firecracker. Guess because I was a little pissed off about real bro an his gf expecting me to do everything. I sorta showed I was angry in chat about it, so someone said wow your a little firecracker and thought you were very sedate. I said I am till i'm annoyed it the truth I won't deny when I get annoyed it shows. I calm down super quick though unless really angry and only Carl can calm me down quick if i'm like that which suprised me because usually i have to calm myself down by pacing.
Thats all folks gonna do a funny blog in a second
Friday, 7 September 2007
Humnnnn hat do I say today.................
well after two hours sleep i got woken up by my mum ringing i just ignored the phone.. as i don't listen hen i wake up cant remember conversations.
I decided to do a bit of tidying and went for a walk for a bit down to local postie. There are some amazing views I need to go out and buy a film and take some pictures before we move. I know I hate this area but the views are of open fields it's glorious just walking and seeing nothing but fields is lovely. Along with a soft gentle breeze that just smells Divine always makes me think of years gone by as a kid playing on hay hales and rolling them to best spot in field to enjoy a giggle and a laugh with my brothers and friends.
In a way I'm going to miss the daily walk to post office just gets me some time alone if brother n his girlfriend are lounging around. Good exercise too. I saw alot of children coming out of school pottering along being brats and enjoying the time outside. Brought back some fond memories of my childhood I can't help but smile and remember when I used to run out of school to find my mom in the playground. I used to love it when my Dad came to pick me up as he worked alot. Today would've been his birthday smiles softly. The day now seems like another day to me it used to upset me up until a few years ago. I now just smile and nod my head to his picture. May say happy birthday dad. Yes 7 and bit years on I will say happy birthday to my dad. My way of remembering him.
Mum had to go to hospital to have some mouth stones removed. She is OK just a bit sore, nothing major but she kept me informed. She comes home tomorrow and goes back up Sunday i think she comes home Thursday but her text messege was a little muddled. She is also going to Jordan this month for three to four weeks, I'm not looking forward to that. But I have to get used to it... no choice in the matter... I'm starting to feel used. Mainly because it is forced upon me to look after the house, the dogs, everything. Without so much as a thank you. Hell what would happen if I moved out, I'd still be expected to house sit. I love my mom I truly do but there is having a life and abandoning your responsibilities. It feels like she is running away.
I miss the chats, the girly time we have so few of those now. Only time we get girly chats is at stupid O'clock in morning hen Johns in bed and i'm waiting to call Carl back.
I namely miss my Dad, in my head I often wish he didn't pass away. In ways and I don't admit it but I am jealous of those with two parents. It still sometimes hurts when fathers day comes round.
I wish I could talk to him about Carl. I always thought my dad would be around for any future boyfreinds way back then. Checking them out doing the fatherly thing, yanno all that kind of stuff. I wish I could have one day again ith my pa, get him to talk to carl, check him out he was a good reader of people. Just to meet the man who has made me so happy.
Would have loved to have known what my Dad would've thought of Carl. My mom is happy, she always did like Carl. John hmn he happy for me I think but it not the same. It's not my Dad....
I decided to do a bit of tidying and went for a walk for a bit down to local postie. There are some amazing views I need to go out and buy a film and take some pictures before we move. I know I hate this area but the views are of open fields it's glorious just walking and seeing nothing but fields is lovely. Along with a soft gentle breeze that just smells Divine always makes me think of years gone by as a kid playing on hay hales and rolling them to best spot in field to enjoy a giggle and a laugh with my brothers and friends.
In a way I'm going to miss the daily walk to post office just gets me some time alone if brother n his girlfriend are lounging around. Good exercise too. I saw alot of children coming out of school pottering along being brats and enjoying the time outside. Brought back some fond memories of my childhood I can't help but smile and remember when I used to run out of school to find my mom in the playground. I used to love it when my Dad came to pick me up as he worked alot. Today would've been his birthday smiles softly. The day now seems like another day to me it used to upset me up until a few years ago. I now just smile and nod my head to his picture. May say happy birthday dad. Yes 7 and bit years on I will say happy birthday to my dad. My way of remembering him.
Mum had to go to hospital to have some mouth stones removed. She is OK just a bit sore, nothing major but she kept me informed. She comes home tomorrow and goes back up Sunday i think she comes home Thursday but her text messege was a little muddled. She is also going to Jordan this month for three to four weeks, I'm not looking forward to that. But I have to get used to it... no choice in the matter... I'm starting to feel used. Mainly because it is forced upon me to look after the house, the dogs, everything. Without so much as a thank you. Hell what would happen if I moved out, I'd still be expected to house sit. I love my mom I truly do but there is having a life and abandoning your responsibilities. It feels like she is running away.
I miss the chats, the girly time we have so few of those now. Only time we get girly chats is at stupid O'clock in morning hen Johns in bed and i'm waiting to call Carl back.
I namely miss my Dad, in my head I often wish he didn't pass away. In ways and I don't admit it but I am jealous of those with two parents. It still sometimes hurts when fathers day comes round.
I wish I could talk to him about Carl. I always thought my dad would be around for any future boyfreinds way back then. Checking them out doing the fatherly thing, yanno all that kind of stuff. I wish I could have one day again ith my pa, get him to talk to carl, check him out he was a good reader of people. Just to meet the man who has made me so happy.
Would have loved to have known what my Dad would've thought of Carl. My mom is happy, she always did like Carl. John hmn he happy for me I think but it not the same. It's not my Dad....
Monday, 3 September 2007
Someone knock me out please I can't sleep....
Well it's twelve thirty pm and i've been awake almost twenty four hours. I can't sleep I was in so much pain yesterday and today with my wisdom tooth yet again.. dammit can someone just punch me in the face here and now. I'm sick of it all the aches constant earaches and headaches. Driving me nuts... I can't keep up with it anymore this teething business sucks ass big time.
If I knew that it gonna be damned painful id've told them to take all my teeth out lmao.
Mum's gone back up north again, left today. The car broke down twenty minutes away from house. Yet it was MOTd just the other week. nother sign it not right to move up north I guess something else always comes when we considering moving. The signs all say we should stay here where we are. I for one am tired of shit like this happening, it's getting so damn old. Give me a bloody break... Sorry i'm a grouchy one. I'm tired, in pain and stewing on something I found out yesterday.
How do I approach someone I considered to be an adoptive sister only to find that she has lied. Everything is based on one Lie. I never say this but she is as good as dead to me right now. I can't forgive her and I for one won't ever place or give her an ounce of respect or trust ever again. It's a awful thing to lie bout. I am truly disgusted right now and that rarely happens.
Sighs i'm so damn tired I can't even think tired of all the bullshit that goes with life... feel like i'm living hell right now.
The only good part of day is talking to Carl he has made me laugh and smile along with cheering my mom up. It was much needed.. got me giggling,laughing, grinning and smiling I could forever listen to him. I love him truly do.. smiles
Thats all for now folks
If I knew that it gonna be damned painful id've told them to take all my teeth out lmao.
Mum's gone back up north again, left today. The car broke down twenty minutes away from house. Yet it was MOTd just the other week. nother sign it not right to move up north I guess something else always comes when we considering moving. The signs all say we should stay here where we are. I for one am tired of shit like this happening, it's getting so damn old. Give me a bloody break... Sorry i'm a grouchy one. I'm tired, in pain and stewing on something I found out yesterday.
How do I approach someone I considered to be an adoptive sister only to find that she has lied. Everything is based on one Lie. I never say this but she is as good as dead to me right now. I can't forgive her and I for one won't ever place or give her an ounce of respect or trust ever again. It's a awful thing to lie bout. I am truly disgusted right now and that rarely happens.
Sighs i'm so damn tired I can't even think tired of all the bullshit that goes with life... feel like i'm living hell right now.
The only good part of day is talking to Carl he has made me laugh and smile along with cheering my mom up. It was much needed.. got me giggling,laughing, grinning and smiling I could forever listen to him. I love him truly do.. smiles
Thats all for now folks
Sunday, 2 September 2007
Lets see
Heya'll well today is a funny day. Mum got back from up north so we been yakking for bit and we going out for a girly meal tonight. Something I miss doing big time. She has something to tell me nd she is hiding it because I can sense it, bet that why she wants a meal out to have a chat grinz.
Humnn COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEE is my mood today hehe. Well last 2 nights i've been sleeping like log, guess I needed it big time even Carl has said when I sleep like that he knows I needed the rest. He also knows how to make me sleepy too not fair. As usual he said I knew you were gonna sleep hmnn.
Gee and Torie going camping at her brothers house. Not sure you call a tent in a garden camping but ne'er mind lol. Done that alot over years here in our garden put a tent up and sat with brothers talking while camping it cool. I miss it alot they've grown out of it but thinking of it brings back fond memories of fun times. Gee is staying behind here in the county I live in so i'm loosing my lil brother sighs. We have bonded so well in last few months it sucks. But i'm sure with the laptops and phones we will talk alot more maybe at least I hope we do.
Mhnnnnnnnnnn Cofffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..........................
Hats................
Dog tags....................
More coffeeeeeeee......................
Not being bad lol just daydreaming lmao
Thats all for now folks
Humnn COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEE is my mood today hehe. Well last 2 nights i've been sleeping like log, guess I needed it big time even Carl has said when I sleep like that he knows I needed the rest. He also knows how to make me sleepy too not fair. As usual he said I knew you were gonna sleep hmnn.
Gee and Torie going camping at her brothers house. Not sure you call a tent in a garden camping but ne'er mind lol. Done that alot over years here in our garden put a tent up and sat with brothers talking while camping it cool. I miss it alot they've grown out of it but thinking of it brings back fond memories of fun times. Gee is staying behind here in the county I live in so i'm loosing my lil brother sighs. We have bonded so well in last few months it sucks. But i'm sure with the laptops and phones we will talk alot more maybe at least I hope we do.
Mhnnnnnnnnnn Cofffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..........................
Hats................
Dog tags....................
More coffeeeeeeee......................
Not being bad lol just daydreaming lmao
Thats all for now folks
Saturday, 1 September 2007
Heh I'm the evil one
I'm living upto my new name. Wolfy went and died and out came Evil. Em. Laughs my poor family don't know wht to do with me. I getting brattier by the hour, woooooooohoooooooooooo.
Sighs I miss Carl. I slept so heavy last night after being awake thirty four hours, he relaxed me to point where I was falling asleep on phone. He knows how to mke me sleeepy and it not fair.
Tonight I watched snakes on a plane an omg it got my heart racing, jumpy and scared I normlly fine with snakes but it got to me, Im fine now lmao. Not sure why I was scared, lol lack of sleep maybe gawd knows.
Haha someone plotting to get me lmao should bne funny to see snickers POKES TONGUE OUT.
I'm ungettable snickers.
Stomps boot and gives meanest evil look/.............. Dare You to Try..................
Sighs I miss Carl. I slept so heavy last night after being awake thirty four hours, he relaxed me to point where I was falling asleep on phone. He knows how to mke me sleeepy and it not fair.
Tonight I watched snakes on a plane an omg it got my heart racing, jumpy and scared I normlly fine with snakes but it got to me, Im fine now lmao. Not sure why I was scared, lol lack of sleep maybe gawd knows.
Haha someone plotting to get me lmao should bne funny to see snickers POKES TONGUE OUT.
I'm ungettable snickers.
Stomps boot and gives meanest evil look/.............. Dare You to Try..................
Monday, 27 August 2007
I'm such a kluts today
Today is the day of the dropsies. I had dropped two pizzas one before cooking and one after cooking. Not fun so that was a waste of my time trying to grab some dinner, admittedly it's well past midnight I wasn't hungry at all but wanted to eat or i'd get nagged for not eating.
I notice the more I speak to carl I start to feel hungry I that's love I don't know. It's weird how I can wait all day but minute I speka to carl for few hours I get hungry. Smiles guess he always talks about certain foods in such a way I can't help but get peckish.
Well I'm savouring the peace in the house while it lasts I have no idea when my brother and his girlfreind will be back. For once I can talk to my honey without someone moaning about noise levals or listening to us talk. Sighs softly I always count down the hours till we talk, we never shut up somehow there is always something to talk about.. How? Why? I'm turning into a creature of habit. I find it so weird not talking to my sexy one. I think he is the same it's getting spooky how we both now know when eachother is going to text or he knows it's me calling, yeh I know I call him at same time most nights. But to the point of opening the phone as he is just sending a text or sending him one as he sending me one. It's almost like we can sense eachothers thoughts. Smiles.
Just playing our song laughs.
I have sat over last few weeks and thought on many things. Today and yesterday I heard something I truly agreed with. The first being "If you love someone you set them free and they will always come back to you" That is what I did with Carl we let eachother go only to find eachother years on and realise we never stopped loving eachother. How for a long time I hoped out of the blue there would be an email or im. Eventually I stopped hoping and stopped looking I moved on. I learnt he had over the years looked for me. I changed my name alot eventully settling on the one I have used since last year. I often wondered how he was doing. I even found out somehow he managed to find me but at the time I was with someone else. I even said why on earth didn't you come and say hello. The sense feeling I got he never answered but it said it all, he wanted to let me be free and happy he knew I was happy and didn't want to intrude on that. Plus I guess the saying only when it's right will you cross paths again. How odd to just drop by somewhere say Hi and ask if it was him. It was surreal, almost like a dream. I was scared, took me alot to say Hi. I learnt he had sometime visited a place I visited but for months I was away and unable to visit. Plus at the time he was with someone else. Funny how again we could've crossed paths but didn't because it wasn't time for us to find eachother.
Eventully after a few nights of talking we sat for many hours one night, he suddenly said i've never stopped loving you. I sat shocked it knocked me sideways, turned my stomache upside down and did a flip. The same thought's i'd been having since talking to him, the ones I didn't dare utter the ones I wanted to say everytime we spoke came from him. I thought it was just me having those feeling. The same bond we had years ago for so long as there gap of four years and it is still there. I can't believe it took four years apart for us to both realise that we were right for eachother.
Another saying I agree with "Love is freindship set on fire" so true that is how me and Carl came to be through freindship, We had known eachother a few years before getting together. We saw eachother through some hard times in the past. I never beleived someone could love me as I am and accept me and my family as their. Before Carl no one made me laugh and think of the future, I lived for the day. Not for the future I stopped making plans and just saw through each new day as it came. With Carl I think of what might be he does the same. No one has made me daydream as much as he does, we banter over kids names, pet names, food likes and dislikes, beleifs, anything that comes to mind. I love how I can say something he will twist it and I get a different thought all because of way he said something. We pick on eachother down phone I give as good as I get but worst of all. I love it all the picking the name calling the affectionate way we just wind eachother up playfully. No one has ever done that and made me feel so loved and complete at the same time.
I vowed and I can't beleive I made this vow, the day we had split up I vowed i'd never love the same way again, part of my heart was hidden. I never gave my whole heart to someone after carl. Even my mum said you were never the same, you locked something away and you changed. I never did love anyone the same way yeh I had few online relationships but nothing that compared to how I was and Am with Carl. So true looking back I must've hurt some people for not giving them the same love they wanted me to give and I think it showed. If they got too close I ran. If they fell to hard I ran. I feel guilty for it but how could I give something that wasnt there to give. But with Carl I don't run. Normally by now i'd be distant, cold and either not talk. I had the attack of nerves other night I got scared and thought i'd made mistake in telling my feelings. So much so I was doubting myself as to why I did it. I thought i'd scared him off run him away. I called and he sensed something, he could pick it up asked me what was wrong. The behavior I'd used to shield myself from men was there the distant one worded answers. I didn't say but within the hour any worries, fears and doubts I had were gone. I didn't mean to do it instinct took over. But I was back to normal. He is only one able to crack past the barrier that I use to protect myself from being hurt emotionally. It's something I learnt from my father and my mother has said it is the worst part of my personality.
I agree because it can make me seem cold, distant, unloving and aloof. Many who don't know me have picked up on it mentioned it to my mom or to myself once they've had a while get to know me. Many teachers have said the same thing. It was something to shield myself. It's my downfull and I can't change it at all. It gets worse when i've been hurt and I have hurt those I love using that part of my personality because I instead of displaying my emotions will hide them against a wall of coolness. But thank gawd they know where it comes from and know that with time and patience it will subside once i'm either back to normal. The person who know's it the most is my mum, the minute she see's that traite come out will sit nd talk it through with me as she knows that the best way with me. I guess because she had it with Dad, so she knows how to work round it. I love her so much for being so patient with me when tht happens. It will always be there but those I trust and love know that it doesn't last long with them.
Let's see what else is on my mind. And no my mind isn't in the gutter tonight I can assure you lol. I hate technology window's vista namely for one sucks. I finally ith lot of help nd patience from freinds managed to sort a few problems I had installing some games. But finlly they work.
I think this is the longest blog i've ever done.
That's all folks
I notice the more I speak to carl I start to feel hungry I that's love I don't know. It's weird how I can wait all day but minute I speka to carl for few hours I get hungry. Smiles guess he always talks about certain foods in such a way I can't help but get peckish.
Well I'm savouring the peace in the house while it lasts I have no idea when my brother and his girlfreind will be back. For once I can talk to my honey without someone moaning about noise levals or listening to us talk. Sighs softly I always count down the hours till we talk, we never shut up somehow there is always something to talk about.. How? Why? I'm turning into a creature of habit. I find it so weird not talking to my sexy one. I think he is the same it's getting spooky how we both now know when eachother is going to text or he knows it's me calling, yeh I know I call him at same time most nights. But to the point of opening the phone as he is just sending a text or sending him one as he sending me one. It's almost like we can sense eachothers thoughts. Smiles.
Just playing our song laughs.
I have sat over last few weeks and thought on many things. Today and yesterday I heard something I truly agreed with. The first being "If you love someone you set them free and they will always come back to you" That is what I did with Carl we let eachother go only to find eachother years on and realise we never stopped loving eachother. How for a long time I hoped out of the blue there would be an email or im. Eventually I stopped hoping and stopped looking I moved on. I learnt he had over the years looked for me. I changed my name alot eventully settling on the one I have used since last year. I often wondered how he was doing. I even found out somehow he managed to find me but at the time I was with someone else. I even said why on earth didn't you come and say hello. The sense feeling I got he never answered but it said it all, he wanted to let me be free and happy he knew I was happy and didn't want to intrude on that. Plus I guess the saying only when it's right will you cross paths again. How odd to just drop by somewhere say Hi and ask if it was him. It was surreal, almost like a dream. I was scared, took me alot to say Hi. I learnt he had sometime visited a place I visited but for months I was away and unable to visit. Plus at the time he was with someone else. Funny how again we could've crossed paths but didn't because it wasn't time for us to find eachother.
Eventully after a few nights of talking we sat for many hours one night, he suddenly said i've never stopped loving you. I sat shocked it knocked me sideways, turned my stomache upside down and did a flip. The same thought's i'd been having since talking to him, the ones I didn't dare utter the ones I wanted to say everytime we spoke came from him. I thought it was just me having those feeling. The same bond we had years ago for so long as there gap of four years and it is still there. I can't believe it took four years apart for us to both realise that we were right for eachother.
Another saying I agree with "Love is freindship set on fire" so true that is how me and Carl came to be through freindship, We had known eachother a few years before getting together. We saw eachother through some hard times in the past. I never beleived someone could love me as I am and accept me and my family as their. Before Carl no one made me laugh and think of the future, I lived for the day. Not for the future I stopped making plans and just saw through each new day as it came. With Carl I think of what might be he does the same. No one has made me daydream as much as he does, we banter over kids names, pet names, food likes and dislikes, beleifs, anything that comes to mind. I love how I can say something he will twist it and I get a different thought all because of way he said something. We pick on eachother down phone I give as good as I get but worst of all. I love it all the picking the name calling the affectionate way we just wind eachother up playfully. No one has ever done that and made me feel so loved and complete at the same time.
I vowed and I can't beleive I made this vow, the day we had split up I vowed i'd never love the same way again, part of my heart was hidden. I never gave my whole heart to someone after carl. Even my mum said you were never the same, you locked something away and you changed. I never did love anyone the same way yeh I had few online relationships but nothing that compared to how I was and Am with Carl. So true looking back I must've hurt some people for not giving them the same love they wanted me to give and I think it showed. If they got too close I ran. If they fell to hard I ran. I feel guilty for it but how could I give something that wasnt there to give. But with Carl I don't run. Normally by now i'd be distant, cold and either not talk. I had the attack of nerves other night I got scared and thought i'd made mistake in telling my feelings. So much so I was doubting myself as to why I did it. I thought i'd scared him off run him away. I called and he sensed something, he could pick it up asked me what was wrong. The behavior I'd used to shield myself from men was there the distant one worded answers. I didn't say but within the hour any worries, fears and doubts I had were gone. I didn't mean to do it instinct took over. But I was back to normal. He is only one able to crack past the barrier that I use to protect myself from being hurt emotionally. It's something I learnt from my father and my mother has said it is the worst part of my personality.
I agree because it can make me seem cold, distant, unloving and aloof. Many who don't know me have picked up on it mentioned it to my mom or to myself once they've had a while get to know me. Many teachers have said the same thing. It was something to shield myself. It's my downfull and I can't change it at all. It gets worse when i've been hurt and I have hurt those I love using that part of my personality because I instead of displaying my emotions will hide them against a wall of coolness. But thank gawd they know where it comes from and know that with time and patience it will subside once i'm either back to normal. The person who know's it the most is my mum, the minute she see's that traite come out will sit nd talk it through with me as she knows that the best way with me. I guess because she had it with Dad, so she knows how to work round it. I love her so much for being so patient with me when tht happens. It will always be there but those I trust and love know that it doesn't last long with them.
Let's see what else is on my mind. And no my mind isn't in the gutter tonight I can assure you lol. I hate technology window's vista namely for one sucks. I finally ith lot of help nd patience from freinds managed to sort a few problems I had installing some games. But finlly they work.
I think this is the longest blog i've ever done.
That's all folks
Thursday, 23 August 2007
Laughs I'm in Bah Humbug mood today
I'm in funny mood.
Namely I guess because I can't call Carl, Had to sit and listen to Mum slaggin John off.. She not happy with him, well bah humbug to it. Dun really care yeh feel sorry for her but what does she expect. The man is self orientated. He comes first above anyone else.
I'm a brat tonight but when am I not. Trying not to be too bratty admittedly that's a battle. I guess I am weird.
Aw sod it i'm going now lmao not in mood to write a blog
thats all folks
Namely I guess because I can't call Carl, Had to sit and listen to Mum slaggin John off.. She not happy with him, well bah humbug to it. Dun really care yeh feel sorry for her but what does she expect. The man is self orientated. He comes first above anyone else.
I'm a brat tonight but when am I not. Trying not to be too bratty admittedly that's a battle. I guess I am weird.
Aw sod it i'm going now lmao not in mood to write a blog
thats all folks
Tuesday, 21 August 2007
I must be drunk
Had one vodka and cola wooooooooooooo did it hit hard, blame the weight loss seems i gotten even more of a lightweight.
Let's see we keep loosing houses keep either being withdrawn from rental market or they get put through before we even get chance to look at them. I'm seriously considering just findin out how carl woul feel if lived with him for six months not sure if should ask. My problem being is would I ever come back to UK I love him so much.
I sat and ignored John today I don't give a flying rats ass, he wouldnt even look at me. Tried to be funny didn't work one bit. Looser!!!!! Can ya tell I am starting to hate the man and it only been few weeks since he moved in. He hurt Kady again basterd hurt my dog again he so dead, growls and clenches fist NO ONE Hurts my dogs. I so gonna get him back plotting revenge. BASTERD fucking BASTERD. I saw it all he kicked her hard and she yelped and went running. I scooped her up and she looked petrified. Dammit I could punch his fucking face in. Sorry.
Hmn i got a few plans up sleeve nothing bad. Just enough to twist his marbles and make him doubt himself. LMAO truly bratty I am the bratty one. Told Mom and she didn't give a damn just didn't care.
Thats all folks!!!!!!!!!
Let's see we keep loosing houses keep either being withdrawn from rental market or they get put through before we even get chance to look at them. I'm seriously considering just findin out how carl woul feel if lived with him for six months not sure if should ask. My problem being is would I ever come back to UK I love him so much.
I sat and ignored John today I don't give a flying rats ass, he wouldnt even look at me. Tried to be funny didn't work one bit. Looser!!!!! Can ya tell I am starting to hate the man and it only been few weeks since he moved in. He hurt Kady again basterd hurt my dog again he so dead, growls and clenches fist NO ONE Hurts my dogs. I so gonna get him back plotting revenge. BASTERD fucking BASTERD. I saw it all he kicked her hard and she yelped and went running. I scooped her up and she looked petrified. Dammit I could punch his fucking face in. Sorry.
Hmn i got a few plans up sleeve nothing bad. Just enough to twist his marbles and make him doubt himself. LMAO truly bratty I am the bratty one. Told Mom and she didn't give a damn just didn't care.
Thats all folks!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, 15 August 2007
Give me strength and wisdom
I am praying I don't loose my cool, yet again Johns presence is testing my patience. The assumption is oh Lou knows so Lou will do whatever we ask. Yeh right he expects me to set his laptop up without even saying please. Does the man have no manners, as only when I gave him a look for not saying please did he remember his manners. Growls softly my patience is wearing very thin, Gee has lost his temper with him and mom several times. Namely over the lax attitude towards them contributing to house. He feels i'm now pretty much running household and has said it not fair on me. Hell I will contribute, no problem on that one but to expect me to run house and deal with everything while they swan off 2 months on trot with a month here in UK at most. I'd rather live in my own place thanks, one bedroom maybe 2 bedroom, grinz hell mybe should just emigrate and not tell anyone where i'm going. LMAO
Why do I try catnap what is the point wanted to make sure I was awake for carl by catnapping as fell asleep last night and didnt wake up till six am this morning
Why do I try catnap what is the point wanted to make sure I was awake for carl by catnapping as fell asleep last night and didnt wake up till six am this morning
Monday, 13 August 2007
I am officially an insomniac
I can officially be classed as an insmoniac. I fell asleep at 8am today and woke up at 4pm, my fault for staying awake so long. Mum said I look so pale, I find if take painkillers it makes me look pale I go woozy and weird on them. Shoulder injury that plays up from time to time.
Boxers..
Dog Tags..
Bed...
hot flushes are not fun....
looks innocent hmn...
wonders what he gonna pick up on phone when call him...
Boxers..
Dog Tags..
Bed...
hot flushes are not fun....
looks innocent hmn...
wonders what he gonna pick up on phone when call him...
Saturday, 11 August 2007
Today I decided to look into Lipreading
For those curious here is a good addy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lip_reading
I know from tests I had while in education I had a ninety five percent score of lipreading with sound. If didn't use lipreading and just sound it dropped to fourty five percent. That is a huge difference. Almost half, for me that shows how much I rely on reading non verbal communication. I never really thought aboiut it. Purely because I taught myself at such a young age. Yes most of the population do lipread to a certain extent but those who are deaf or hearing impaired rely on it hugely. Some forget the basis of needing good visual on the face, usually people forget to leave mouth and lower part of face uncovered. Even my brothers have forgotten laughs
Well that my info bit for the day.
What else my holiday that was promised out the window. The money pretty much been blown on everyone else by on me, I battled for a phone card and wasnt even right one. I got cellphone top up instead. Grumbles I felt so angry and hurt that I almost packed a bag and walked out. I almost if John had've been here there would've been a punch to his face. I don't do violence but way he has used my Mom I would've punched him so frigging hard. My brothers have even warned him never to piss me off. They have in past felt my wrath and agree for someone who is a peaceful person who rarely gets into argument, I have some unnatural strength that just you wouldn't expect of me. That's how I got my nickname "Ten Bears" If needed for heavy duty I get Oi "Ten Bears" start getting yourself angry we need a hand. Laughs there my secrets out.
That's all folks
I know from tests I had while in education I had a ninety five percent score of lipreading with sound. If didn't use lipreading and just sound it dropped to fourty five percent. That is a huge difference. Almost half, for me that shows how much I rely on reading non verbal communication. I never really thought aboiut it. Purely because I taught myself at such a young age. Yes most of the population do lipread to a certain extent but those who are deaf or hearing impaired rely on it hugely. Some forget the basis of needing good visual on the face, usually people forget to leave mouth and lower part of face uncovered. Even my brothers have forgotten laughs
Well that my info bit for the day.
What else my holiday that was promised out the window. The money pretty much been blown on everyone else by on me, I battled for a phone card and wasnt even right one. I got cellphone top up instead. Grumbles I felt so angry and hurt that I almost packed a bag and walked out. I almost if John had've been here there would've been a punch to his face. I don't do violence but way he has used my Mom I would've punched him so frigging hard. My brothers have even warned him never to piss me off. They have in past felt my wrath and agree for someone who is a peaceful person who rarely gets into argument, I have some unnatural strength that just you wouldn't expect of me. That's how I got my nickname "Ten Bears" If needed for heavy duty I get Oi "Ten Bears" start getting yourself angry we need a hand. Laughs there my secrets out.
That's all folks
Friday, 10 August 2007
what do I put today
I'm feeling fruity,
Wishing I could crawl into bed with a certain someone hmnnnnn.
Droolz hope he doesnt talk about his bed again, the way he just talks of his bed hmnnnn sighs i'v often half fallen asleep listening to his bed talk hehe.
Dog tags and boxers and bed laughs no fair.
Phone strike wont last long at this rate just had txt saying day is going crappy.
Wishing I could crawl into bed with a certain someone hmnnnnn.
Droolz hope he doesnt talk about his bed again, the way he just talks of his bed hmnnnn sighs i'v often half fallen asleep listening to his bed talk hehe.
Dog tags and boxers and bed laughs no fair.
Phone strike wont last long at this rate just had txt saying day is going crappy.
Thursday, 9 August 2007
Hot diggety dang
I have been talking in slang all day long hmnn laughs I have been so lazy. Worked my butt off tidying and wohoooooooo Mum and brother wow ya made a huge different.
John as talking about the house I did the unforgivable sin of a deaf/hearing impaired person to do. One I pride myself in not doing but he gives me a headache. I turned my hearing aids off to avoid his voice..
I can carry a conversation without anyone knowing they are off it only used in the most extream cases and would rather avoid headache that goes with trying to listen hard to him. Graham ha said if could do that he would. I feel terrible for doing it , in eighteen years i've done that maybe 4 times in all. {Thats how long I have been hearing impaired I lost my hearing when I was five years old.}
Mum said house had like four to five bedrooms and said one would be used as a study. WOHOO my own double bedroom. Privacy at last I can't wait..
Carl gonna be going get a double bed an all that hmnn wonders if can invite him to stay but that would cost him so much just get the flight over. Would love to have someone to snuggle upto at night just for warmth and hugss an bit more hehe.
My shoulders hurt like heck, feels like I been weight lifting there only one time I get these pains and praying it not what I think it is coz if it is I got a trip to GP for anti bios.
But no more about that I happy happy happpppppppyyy.
Thats all folks
John as talking about the house I did the unforgivable sin of a deaf/hearing impaired person to do. One I pride myself in not doing but he gives me a headache. I turned my hearing aids off to avoid his voice..
I can carry a conversation without anyone knowing they are off it only used in the most extream cases and would rather avoid headache that goes with trying to listen hard to him. Graham ha said if could do that he would. I feel terrible for doing it , in eighteen years i've done that maybe 4 times in all. {Thats how long I have been hearing impaired I lost my hearing when I was five years old.}
Mum said house had like four to five bedrooms and said one would be used as a study. WOHOO my own double bedroom. Privacy at last I can't wait..
Carl gonna be going get a double bed an all that hmnn wonders if can invite him to stay but that would cost him so much just get the flight over. Would love to have someone to snuggle upto at night just for warmth and hugss an bit more hehe.
My shoulders hurt like heck, feels like I been weight lifting there only one time I get these pains and praying it not what I think it is coz if it is I got a trip to GP for anti bios.
But no more about that I happy happy happpppppppyyy.
Thats all folks
Monday, 6 August 2007
I am just digging a hole for myself............
Laughs why don't I just bury myself in the sand LMAO..
Remind me not to think of having kids. There was talk of twins running in family and I said 2 will be enough but nooo he wants a football team.. Omg I am not having 6-8 kids noooooooo way no how.
My family in rl are adament we phone cybering ewwwwwwwwwwww Nooo we just talk so much we never shut up. Got told aww ain't young love grand. I just said don't you dare Lmao I ain't young anymore he says i'm young an he is old lol Uhmn he is 27 i'm 23 laughs how can he say he is old.
I am still teething got "my baby is teething" omg i'm 23. Growls why do we have to have teeth come through at this age.
I'm drinking way to much coffee eww coffee cofee and more coffee mhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn coffee (yum)
Thats all folks
Remind me not to think of having kids. There was talk of twins running in family and I said 2 will be enough but nooo he wants a football team.. Omg I am not having 6-8 kids noooooooo way no how.
My family in rl are adament we phone cybering ewwwwwwwwwwww Nooo we just talk so much we never shut up. Got told aww ain't young love grand. I just said don't you dare Lmao I ain't young anymore he says i'm young an he is old lol Uhmn he is 27 i'm 23 laughs how can he say he is old.
I am still teething got "my baby is teething" omg i'm 23. Growls why do we have to have teeth come through at this age.
I'm drinking way to much coffee eww coffee cofee and more coffee mhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn coffee (yum)
Thats all folks
Sunday, 5 August 2007
It's 7.30am Monday morning eww
Lets see I finally got some sleep yesterday fell asleep exactly 4.30am I think and slept right through untill uhmn 3pm yesterday 13 hours sleep wow I havn't slept for 13 hours in months lol. I can't sleep again.. I can't think straight.. can't eat.. drink sooooooo much coffee in past few days.
I did an IQ test yesterday when had a quick break I got 117 (supposedly excellant score according to the results) Made me feel good as always thought mine would be below average. I guess I put myself down my family say I'm clever, I don't feel clever as I feel i'm your average normal everday person. =0)
Was tidying and talking to mom most of yesterday she goes up north today for 3-4 days to house hunt and what not. Means I got house to self as such, on the exception of brother and his girlfriend being here. Yawns I'm suffering from lack of caffine sighs need coffeeeeeeeeeeeee. Had a break from internet yesterday and last night my eyes needed it they been a lil dry and sore so knew I needed a break using internet. Spoke to Carl again last night uhmnnn 4 hours worth of call.. sheesh again!!!!!!!! He sounds so happy to hear me we never want to hang up.
Laughs I think I broke the house phone she said it conked out yesterday and she had to buy new home phone. I got the blame 0_0 why me my brothers have used them alot more than me and it decided to go up shoot after I'd used it. Mind you I seem to send electrical things scatty.. Yeh laugh all you want but it's true. Computers have always crashed round me, mobiles act up, anything remotedly sensitive goes kaput with me near it. I have left offices in confusion when sit near a pc and it goes scatty.. why me. They never believe me when me and mum say it's my fault. Never understood why it happens it not my hearing aids I have had it happen without them in which is in rare cases where I either need a break from them or just feel like not wearing them lol.
Sings away to ~I saw Mama fore she was Mama, in a string bikini tijuana, smoking marijana.~
I think Johns trying to bribe me he gave me $40 hmnnnnnnn I refused but he insisted on me taking it , I even tried to hand it to mom when he was out of the room. Feels like bribery yeh he was sincere and was a nice gesture but I don't like being given stuff for no reason. Might either buy a coupla more phone cards or ciggies I'm torn between the two. If get ciggies I can't ring Carl, if get cards I can't smoke menthols urghhh such a hard choice. I got tobacco but no papers lol an there is no way I'm chewing it yuk. Laughs fuck it I'm getting 2-4 phone cards I can go without a smoke done it before can do it again.
That's all folks!!!!!!!
I did an IQ test yesterday when had a quick break I got 117 (supposedly excellant score according to the results) Made me feel good as always thought mine would be below average. I guess I put myself down my family say I'm clever, I don't feel clever as I feel i'm your average normal everday person. =0)
Was tidying and talking to mom most of yesterday she goes up north today for 3-4 days to house hunt and what not. Means I got house to self as such, on the exception of brother and his girlfriend being here. Yawns I'm suffering from lack of caffine sighs need coffeeeeeeeeeeeee. Had a break from internet yesterday and last night my eyes needed it they been a lil dry and sore so knew I needed a break using internet. Spoke to Carl again last night uhmnnn 4 hours worth of call.. sheesh again!!!!!!!! He sounds so happy to hear me we never want to hang up.
Laughs I think I broke the house phone she said it conked out yesterday and she had to buy new home phone. I got the blame 0_0 why me my brothers have used them alot more than me and it decided to go up shoot after I'd used it. Mind you I seem to send electrical things scatty.. Yeh laugh all you want but it's true. Computers have always crashed round me, mobiles act up, anything remotedly sensitive goes kaput with me near it. I have left offices in confusion when sit near a pc and it goes scatty.. why me. They never believe me when me and mum say it's my fault. Never understood why it happens it not my hearing aids I have had it happen without them in which is in rare cases where I either need a break from them or just feel like not wearing them lol.
Sings away to ~I saw Mama fore she was Mama, in a string bikini tijuana, smoking marijana.~
I think Johns trying to bribe me he gave me $40 hmnnnnnnn I refused but he insisted on me taking it , I even tried to hand it to mom when he was out of the room. Feels like bribery yeh he was sincere and was a nice gesture but I don't like being given stuff for no reason. Might either buy a coupla more phone cards or ciggies I'm torn between the two. If get ciggies I can't ring Carl, if get cards I can't smoke menthols urghhh such a hard choice. I got tobacco but no papers lol an there is no way I'm chewing it yuk. Laughs fuck it I'm getting 2-4 phone cards I can go without a smoke done it before can do it again.
That's all folks!!!!!!!
Saturday, 4 August 2007
Grinz
Lets see I have been awake 24 hours in all. sighs hmnn I can't sleep got Carl on the brain sighs and swoons. Omg his accent it's the same as it always was just his laugh hmnn it definately gotten dirtier hehe. Sigh damn I'm a sucker for his accent I always was shesh he sounds so good. I think in all I spoke to him 6 hours gawd six hours went fast..
We talked of everything cars, laws, guns, high school, work, movies, what we were upto and dogs. I was so scared before I called him, 4 years is a long time to hear a voice that you used to fall asleep listening to. But there something there I could listen to him talking forever. =0)
Ever since got off phone I've been jelly legged almost passed out and threw up that's never happened before. My mum and john came down and heard him talking so both said quick hello.
Gonna see if can find a camera so can update pictures of me as i've lost weight since the other ones i've taken gonna straighten my hair put some nice clothes and maybe some make up I rarely wear make up on princible it for special occassions or if feeling good lol. I'm so hungry I always get hungry after 24 hours of no sleep again it my fault but I wanted to talk as much as could. I rinsed 10 dollers worth of credit on a two three hour calls. So next card i'll have to make last.
I'm mentally exausted but wide awake at same time adrenalin rush I have no doubt I won't sleep unless I collapse on sofa or pass out at lapt..
That's all folks!!!!!!!!!
We talked of everything cars, laws, guns, high school, work, movies, what we were upto and dogs. I was so scared before I called him, 4 years is a long time to hear a voice that you used to fall asleep listening to. But there something there I could listen to him talking forever. =0)
Ever since got off phone I've been jelly legged almost passed out and threw up that's never happened before. My mum and john came down and heard him talking so both said quick hello.
Gonna see if can find a camera so can update pictures of me as i've lost weight since the other ones i've taken gonna straighten my hair put some nice clothes and maybe some make up I rarely wear make up on princible it for special occassions or if feeling good lol. I'm so hungry I always get hungry after 24 hours of no sleep again it my fault but I wanted to talk as much as could. I rinsed 10 dollers worth of credit on a two three hour calls. So next card i'll have to make last.
I'm mentally exausted but wide awake at same time adrenalin rush I have no doubt I won't sleep unless I collapse on sofa or pass out at lapt..
That's all folks!!!!!!!!!
Friday, 3 August 2007
Uhmnn
Hehe today I was a total pig I had half a pizza, I guess 9 months of only eating 1 meal a day finally got better of me I just went I fancy a big dinner lol, my mums face lit up so much heyy my gp said when body was ready I would cut back on my food and it happened after 6 n bit years of comfort eating.
Uhmn grinz like a loon my boyfreind finally came online wohoooooooooooooooooooooo....
Hehe we were talking about cars and uhmn cars and uhmnnn driving lol....
I am finally hyperactive after a week of 15 mins of convo a day if lucky I got a longer one today wohooooooooooooooooooo.
So glad I had all that coffeeeeeeee.
Now gotta stay awake till 2.30am -3am as he sai that was best time to call wohooooooooooo.........
My mum brought a phone card, I am sooo scared and excited it's been so long years since I heard his voice I wonder how and if he sounds the same. I am sucker for that southern american accent, he said he remembers my accent how funny I sound.
Sighs hope I don't get too nervous I go very shy and quiet when nervous.. What do I say omg what do I say dear god give me the strength so say something coherent lol. I don't want to sound like a blathering idiot from planet mars..
I remember the 7-8 hour convos we used to have on the phones i built up such bills just to listen to him talk, mum understand that now because of John and her ex as well..
Tries to count on one hand how many years it been since I heard his voice uhmnn 4 years I think.
I had funny thing happen the otherday and only just remembered tonight. Had some call from local call centre asking to try pay some of my finances into one lump sum. Well the dude obviously liked sound of me and tried to keep phone flirting on phone lmao. I was laughing as found it funny, my mum heard him as use loudspeaker and went someone liked sound of you. I went omg Mummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. He was just chatting but ya know when someone trying to flirt with you.
Wonders why it only happens when I'm in Love No one bats an eyelid towards me when single weird one.. Maybe because my confidence is higher and i'm jovial and laugh and smile alot gawd knows.
That's all folks!!!!!!!!!!!
Uhmn grinz like a loon my boyfreind finally came online wohoooooooooooooooooooooo....
Hehe we were talking about cars and uhmn cars and uhmnnn driving lol....
I am finally hyperactive after a week of 15 mins of convo a day if lucky I got a longer one today wohooooooooooooooooooo.
So glad I had all that coffeeeeeeee.
Now gotta stay awake till 2.30am -3am as he sai that was best time to call wohooooooooooo.........
My mum brought a phone card, I am sooo scared and excited it's been so long years since I heard his voice I wonder how and if he sounds the same. I am sucker for that southern american accent, he said he remembers my accent how funny I sound.
Sighs hope I don't get too nervous I go very shy and quiet when nervous.. What do I say omg what do I say dear god give me the strength so say something coherent lol. I don't want to sound like a blathering idiot from planet mars..
I remember the 7-8 hour convos we used to have on the phones i built up such bills just to listen to him talk, mum understand that now because of John and her ex as well..
Tries to count on one hand how many years it been since I heard his voice uhmnn 4 years I think.
I had funny thing happen the otherday and only just remembered tonight. Had some call from local call centre asking to try pay some of my finances into one lump sum. Well the dude obviously liked sound of me and tried to keep phone flirting on phone lmao. I was laughing as found it funny, my mum heard him as use loudspeaker and went someone liked sound of you. I went omg Mummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. He was just chatting but ya know when someone trying to flirt with you.
Wonders why it only happens when I'm in Love No one bats an eyelid towards me when single weird one.. Maybe because my confidence is higher and i'm jovial and laugh and smile alot gawd knows.
That's all folks!!!!!!!!!!!
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